Why'd You Have To Be So Beautiful
by NoCapeNoCrown
Summary: Alex is in love with Olivia, so she has avoided being around her since coming back from the Congo. What happens when Alex runs in to Olivia after purposefully avoiding her for so long? Will Alex finally admit to Olivia she is in love with her? Alex/Olivia
1. Chapter 1

A few weeks ago I started writing a completely different story. I got stuck and started writing this one and the idea just flowed. I guess I'm meant to write Alex/Olivia stories for a while. Hope you enjoy. –M

The first chapter is in Alex's POV.

**Why'd You Have To Be So Beautiful**

**Ch. 1**

I think about her often.

We live in the same city, but our lives have gone separate ways.

Actually I choose a different path, a path that didn't lead to her.

My time in the Congo allowed me to separate myself physically from her and some days I thought I had even separated my feelings from her.

Some days though, she was right there beside me, right there clouding my headspace, consuming me during the quiet moments.

I would get lost in thinking about if she was safe, if she was getting enough sleep, even if she had someone to go home to.

I would think about how beautiful she was.

How beautiful inside and out.

My attraction to her is indefinable to me.

I had never been with a woman. I never been in love with a woman.

And 10 years later, I can honestly say I am in love with her.

I had to admit to myself I was in love with her.

I Alex Cabot am in love with the forbidden fruit, Olivia Benson.

Foolish.

It's completely and utterly foolish.

She had no feelings for me other than friendship, she has never thought of me otherwise.

That's why, though we are in the same city I had to choose a different path.

I thought when I came back to New York from the Congo I could keep pretending, but seeing her again, seeing how she only became more compassionate, more beautiful… sexier, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be around her.

I quit SVU.

I did follow my passion. I did change the direction of my career because I truly knew I could be of better service to women who needed a voice.

But I stopped lying to myself when I came back to New York. I knew my deciding factor to make a permanent change was her.

I needed to separate myself from her.

So I did.

I've kept busy mostly with work.

I've even gone out on a few dates that have only ended with lackluster appeal.

I had turned my crush, more admittedly my fantasy in to a way to torture myself.

But I did what I had to do in order to not shout from the rooftops and to her that I love her.

I love her.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao

"Alex?"

I turned at the sound of my name to see a handsome face.

"Michael… hi!" I said giving my old friend a hug and a quick kiss to the cheek.

"I was just admiring your paintings," I said with a smile. "Everything is truly incredible!"

"Thank you," he said graciously. "I think I'm still in shock this many people would come to see my work."

"Michael don't be silly you are an incredible artist and you deserve all of your success!"

"Well thank you again," he said with a genuine smile. "How about I get you a glass of wine?'

"No, no I am perfectly capable of getting my own, you have too many admirers to tend to."

"It was great to see you Alex and thank you for coming."

"I wouldn't have missed it. Congrats!"

Michael gave me another quick hug. "Now go get that glass of wine, enjoy."

I smiled again as my friend was pulled away by another of his admirers.

I made my way to the bar set up in the corner of the room.

"Cab?" I asked leaning in, as the room bustled around me.

"Yes ma'am," the server said quickly pouring me a glass of Cabernet and handing it to me.

"Thank you," I said before turning back to the crowded room.

I took my first sip of wine then raised my eyes to scan the room.

I was so proud of my friend and his success and that the gallery was bustling with his friends and supporters.

"Alexandra Cabot!"

"Lucy!"

"It's so good to see you Alex!"

"You too! It's been forever!"

"It has been forever."

Lucy was a fellow attorney who I had done non-profit work with early in my career.

"I didn't know you were a fan of Michael's work?"

"Yes, I am. A friend… she introduced me to Michael and his work years ago."

"Isn't he great. I was thrilled that…"

I could hear Lucy talking but suddenly my ears caught the sound of laughter.

I had taken another sip of my wine, but my lips frozen against the rim of my glass.

My eyes went straight to her.

Straight to the sight of her head thrown back, her Colgate smile blaring and the sound of her unmistakable laughter.

"Alex? Alex!""

"Oh! I'm sorry."

I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"Where did you go just then?"

I looked at my friend quickly.

"I just, I'm sorry. I just saw someone… it caught me off guard."

"Oh no, its not an ex is it? That is the worst trying to avoid someone in a room like this." Lucy said assuming.

"I know it is the worst." I said agreeing, not sure what I would have said anyway.

Jesus.

"Lucy, I actually think I am going to do the avoidance thing..." I said trying to give a cheeky smile.

Lucy laughed and shook her head. "Good luck, but if I were you I would totally walk by him and let him get a glance of you in that red dress. You look really hot Cabot!"

I smiled, I tried to seem humored by the compliment.

But our conversation was lost.

She was here.

"It was good to see you Lucy."

"You too. I'll swing by your office sometime, we'll grab lunch."

"Sounds great."

I turned from Lucy… I looked at her again.

Just to torture myself, I starred at her.

She stood tall in four-inch heels and a black (was she wearing a leather dress), hit every curve on her perfect body.

Jesus.

Why should I be shocked to see her here? Michael was her friend too. It was she who had introduced me to Michael years ago.

Why wouldn't she be here tonight to support her friend?

Shit.

I took a gulp of courage from my glass of wine and sat it down, ready to slither my way through the crowd in the opposite direction, on a different path from where she stood.

I finally made my way to the door, making my escape in to the cool night air that I so desperately wanted to take a breath of...

A deep breath in and out to calm myself.

And to take a moment to pat myself on the back for such a chicken shit move of avoiding her like I was some silly little high school girl.

"Alex! Hey there…"

There was no doubt who was calling my name.

No doubt who could take my breath away so suddenly.

I closed my eyes, clinching my lids shut for a split second before I turned to her.

"Olivia," I said trying to sound surprised to see her.

A smile was on her face.

"I saw you leaving and I was hoping to catch you. I wanted to say hello." Olivia said leaning in to me, giving me a firm hug.

She smelled of vanilla.

She felt so good.

"It's so good to see you Alex, I've missed you."

Why was she so beautiful?

"I've missed you too."

"You look great! How is everything?"

"Everything is good. You know the usual, working."

"Of course… I wasn't sure if you were in New York?"

"Yeah I've been here, a couple of trips to Africa, but I've been here."

Avoiding you.

"I guess I haven't been any better at reaching out."

"You work just as hard if not harder." I excused.

Olivia nodded.

"Well I'll let you go, but we should catch up!"

"Yeah we should," I agreed.

I agreed. Why did I agree?

"I know it's short notice, but brunch on Sunday?"

"That sounds great." I said with a smile.

Brunch sounds great if I get to wake up next to you before hand.

"Then Brunch it is… I'll come up with a plan and text you."

"Sounds good."

"It really was great to see you tonight Alex." Olivia said giving me a quick hug.

I wanted to hug her and shove her away at the same time.

Olivia turned to go back inside leaving me there on the sidewalk.

What had I done? Unraveled all of the hard work, all the distance I had created between me and Olivia.

It was too easily to agree to have brunch with her.

To easy to say yes, too easy to be in love with her because it turned out it wasn't so easy trying not to be in love with her.

I bit down on my bottom lip as I forcefully made myself walk in the direction towards home.

I wouldn't take a cab, at least not for a few blocks. I needed to take a breath again.

The breath I was holding in order to not tell her I love her.

I love her.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Forgive me for the delay in getting this story going, it was a crazy week and I couldn't seem to focus on writing Thank you so much for the reviews and follows on the first chapter! So lovely to see some familiar names again!

I decided to make this story all from Alex's POV. Thought might be interesting to go at it from Alex's eyes. - M

Ch. 2

I woke up this morning staring at the text she had sent to me the night before.

As she had promised, she sent a time and place to meet for brunch.

Most people would gather the information, commit it to memory or save it to their calendar… I, stared at the words until the screen on my phone went dark shaking me from my trance.

In the few days since I had seen Olivia my emotions had ran wild.

I had gone from panic, to elation, to feeling like I wanted to throw up, to acceptance.

It was like the twelve steps of Olivia Benson.

Now here I was in the back of a cab on my way to meet her and the closer I got to the restaurant the more I began to panic.

Every emotion I had endured in the last few days rushed through me.

I had spent the past year distancing myself, tormenting myself over Olivia.

And now here I was on my way to have brunch with her as if it were no big deal. As if it were every other brunch, lunch, dinner I had ever had with her.

It wasn't every other brunch, lunch or dinner. Not today. Not anymore.

Not since I had set boundaries, rules for myself, since I had decided to stop fantasizing about Olivia and what it would be like to have her in my life, in my bed.

I had to get myself together. So what if I had feelings for her. She was my friend and at one time she was my best friend… my best friend before I screwed it up. Before I decided I needed to create this distance between us because I thought I would do something foolish like try and kiss her or blurt out that I was in love with her over too many cocktails.

I needed to get a grip.

Brunch, catch up, say goodbye, part ways… easy enough. Then I could go back to my side of the city and everything would be fine.

Olivia was sitting at a table outside, her oversized sunglasses atop her head, looking somewhat glamorous for a New York City SVU Detective. She stood the moment she saw me come towards her.

Her cotton dress hit her just above the knee and the blue was vibrant against her tanned skin.

She reached for me giving me a quick hug, Her warm smile mimicking the sun.

I had forgotten already why I tried so hard to stay away from her, it wasn't worth it.

"I went ahead and ordered mimosa's I hope that's ok."

"That sounds perfect, thank you!" I said, knowing I definitely could use any form alcohol at this point to calm my nerves.

"So how have you been?" I asked to keep the conversation flowing.

"Good. Everything's good. Still work too much though I have been trying to change my pace a little."

"You Olivia Benson, Detective extraordinaire are trying to change your pace?" I teased with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, but I am getting older you know. I think I've decided to let the rookie's handle at least some of it… and I'm trying to focus on my person life a little more."

"Oh really?" I asked intrigued and a bit deflated.

"Yeah I've actually been seeing Cassidy again."

"Cassidy?" I blurted, shocked to say the least.

The waitress arrived at the table with our mimosas just in time to give a bit of reprieve from the Brian Cassidy shock.

"Are you ladies ready to order?" The waitress asked politely.

"May we have a few more minutes?" Olivia asked as the waitress nodded and then walked away.

"Alex I know… I never expected to be back with Brian, but it just kind of happened. We had a case together and the chemistry was still there. And it works."

"Ok… I mean Olivia as long as you're happy." I said sincerely. "That's what matters…"

I meant that, I think I meant that.

Of course I meant that. I wanted her to be happy.

"Have you been seeing anyone?" Olivia asked me, taking the first sip of her drink.

"Not really, no one special anyway." I said focusing my eyes on the commotion across the street.

"I hope you're not working yourself to death. I think about you all the time, hoping you're doing okay."

"You do?" I asked my eyes locking with hers.

"Alex… of course I do. You think just because we aren't in each other's lives everyday I don't think about you?"

"I don't know… I mean of course I know you do. We used to be really close…"

Too close.

"I think we should remedy that. I need Alex Cabot back in my life."

There was that smile again.

I smiled.

You could tell Olivia was sincere. I actually was having a moment of realization that I hadn't been fair with distancing her from my life.

I knew my reasons, and they were purely selfish reasons.

We were friends, we are friends, the best of friends, and I'm the one that gave her no choice when it came to the distance between us.

"You know what, I totally agree about having you in my life and also about focusing on my personal life a little more as well. Not just romantically, but my friendships. I've missed you, I've missed us."

I've missed us? Did that come out right? Should I clarify what I meant? There is no us…

"I've missed us too… And martini Thursdays." Olivia said with a laugh.

I laughed too.

"Oh God martini Thursdays. Friday's used to be so rough!" I said still laughing.

It felt good to laugh.

To let go.

I was right there with her again, my friend.

We talked and laughed for the next hour and a half like there had been no time between us.

After brunch Olivia followed me out on to the sidewalk.

"It was so great to have brunch with you Alex and I meant what I said, can we not be strangers anymore? Seeing you the other night at the gallery made me realize how much I've missed you."

"I've really missed you too Liv." I said genuinely.

I had, God I had.

We gave each other a firm embrace.

"So… I'll see you after work for martini Thursday?" I said confident, this time not scolding myself for the opportunity to see her again.

Olivia grinned, "Absolutely, I'm there!"

I smiled.

I couldn't not smile.

I saw her in to a cab, before catching my own to my side of the city.

And I had yet to scold myself for the opportunity to see her again.

I'm not sure what kind of game my head is playing with my heart, but all I knew is how much I missed her and how much I wanted to see her again.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

We were only one martini in and I had already caught myself starring at her unconsciously.

I don't think she noticed.

But I kept getting lost in her.

Lost in how I wish I could touch her, run my hand up her thigh…

Lost in thinking about what it would be like to twist her long dark hair lazily between my fingers or brush it to the side and kiss the back of her neck.

Her long tan neck.

My mouth was watering.

And I couldn't stop staring at her.

Getting lost.

Fuck.

In the last week I had given in.

Everything I had told myself I wouldn't do, wouldn't think, I had.

We sat close at the bar, her intoxicating scent permeating from her skin.

Cherry blossoms and a hint of vanilla.

I hadn't forgotten.

"Another?" Olivia grinned noting our empty glasses.

"Of course." I agreed giving her a smile.

Olivia flagged down the bartender and ordered us both another martini.

Two martinis in and I began to ask her questions about Cassidy.

Brian Cassidy.

You know that guy who is fucking her.

I didn't lie to myself.

My barely tipsy self or my sober self.

I asked about Cassidy because the attorney in me needed to know if there was any reasonable doubt about her being with him.

I needed to know if she had any doubts, but the more I asked about him, the more she seemed to be in love with him.

And the more he seemed good for her.

Fuck.

I silently scolded myself to play it cool and not be jealous of Brian Cassidy, but he had what I wanted.

And let's face it, I was not used to getting what I wanted.

"I fully admit that when Cassidy and I first slept together more than a decade ago it was completely about sex. But this time… I think we both thought it was about sex, but then I think we realized we needed more, that we wanted something more…"

"You mean like an actual relationship?" I questioned, swept away in the conversation.

"Yeah… an actual relationship." Olivia laughed. "It's just kind of nice ya know. It feels good to know that someone's there… and truthfully that's it's not just about sex."

"It is nice to have someone beside you in bed, nice to have someone to worry about… someone to just hold your hand."

Shit, now I'm swooning over how great it is to have a relationship with Cassidy.

"It is nice."

A pang of guilt ran through me. She deserved so much to be happy, she deserved someone that made her happy and what was I going to do jump right in the middle of it? What was I going to steal her from Cassidy?

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad he makes you happy."

Great! I've become a liar!

No, no I'm not a liar. I am glad she's happy.

I'm jealous, but I'm still glad he makes her happy.

I began to slip off my suit jacket and Olivia reached to help.

"Thank you, vodka I think is making me warm."

Olivia laughed.

"You know Alex you deserve that too."

"I deserve what?" I asked absentmindedly.

"You deserve someone beside you in bed, someone to hold your hand, worry about you."

"Yeah well I'm not sure that's in the cards for me."

"Don't play that "I'm giving up" thing."

"No I'm not. I'm not giving up I'm just not sure if what I want is even plausible."

"What do you mean? Olivia asked inquisitively.

Oh God I've said too much.

Fucking Martinis.

"I don't know I just… what I want I'm not sure I can have."

God Alex! Shut up!

"Ok this mysterious vague thing you're doing is not very fun." Olivia teased.

I sat back, looking at Olivia.

"I have a thing for someone. Actually I'm in love with someone, I have been for a while now…"

"But?"

"But that person is in a relationship and it doesn't matter anyway because they have no idea that I have that kind of feelings for them."

"So you have no idea if they have feeling for you?" Olivia asked intrigued.

"You know… I thought once I… I thought maybe, but the situation is… " I was stumbling. "We're good friends and not to mention the relationship that person is in…"

"Married?"

"No, but they're happy, good together. So it makes it a dangerous situation."

"Yeah, it does, but I guess you can't help who you fall in love with."

So very fucking true.

"I don't think you can. It seems the harder you fight it, try to hide it, the deeper you fall for them."

My eyes were focused on what was left of my drink and swirling the olives around in my glass, but I could feel her eyes on me, watching me.

"Well whoever he is… what is meant to be will be."

I looked up at Olivia and gave her a painful smirk.

She ran her hand down my arm for comfort, but I only felt my skin burn with her touch.

"Can we talk about the weather or something a little more uplifting? This is a buzz kill," I joked.

Olivia laughed, "Yes we definitely can!"

On queue she changed the subject telling me about a story Munch had told her earlier that day about his 3rd wife.

And I sat there devastated and enthralled, tortured and in bliss to be right there beside her.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

It had been weeks since we had rekindled our friendship. So to see her name pop up on my phone late that night wasn't that surprising.

If anything I was thrilled to have her call.

"Liv."

"Hey, sorry to call you so late."

"No you're fine."

"It sounds like I woke you up."

"Just dozed off under a pile of paperwork."

"I probably shouldn't have called."

"Liv, don't be silly. Is something wrong?"

"I'm actually outside your building."

"Oh."

"I was walking and I just ended up here. I should head home… I..."

"Liv! Get up here!"

I hung up the phone as I jumped off the couch. Liv had seen me in my sweats, she had seen my hair piled on top of my head, she had seen me buried under papers…

Why was I panicking that I didn't have time to change and besides if she was walking, she probably was in her yoga pants and…

The knock on my front door was quiet.

When I opened the door I honestly didn't expect for my mouth to drop open. I didn't expect to see her standing there, her hair swept up, a perfectly fitting dress and a pair of heals that showed a hint of her painted toes.

She looked stunning.

"Wow." I said, not being able to contain a comment about the way she looked.

She gave me a slight smile appreciating the comment.

"Come in." I said motioning her in. "When you said you were walking I didn't expect you to show up at my door looking like this."

"I was out with Cassidy."

"Well then what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be somewhere with him trying to get that dress off of you?"

God I would be!

Before Olivia answered, she one by one slipped off her heels returning her to the two inches shorter than me I was used to.

"Ok… to the couch. Spill!" I said reading the look on her face and the obvious deflation of her evening.

We walked towards the couch and I got a head of her, moving papers and folder to the coffee table.

"Sorry about the mess."

"Alex," Olivia said, knowing she didn't care about the mess.

"Talk to me," I said sitting down beside her, tucking my legs beneath me.

"Brian and I had a fight."

"Ok?"

"It's stupid. Me of all people… I'm a hypocrite."

"Are we going to speak in code?"

She took a deep breath.

"Brian's going under cover again."

"Oh…"

This is were the asshole in me threw confetti and blew one of those paper horn things… The best friend in me saw how much she was hurting.

"Like I said I'm a hypocrite."

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because I have always been the one to put my job first, and I self admittedly am always the first one to run and hide when things got complicated… so being angry with Brian for wanting to go under cover makes me a hypocrite."

"No it makes you his girlfriend. And you weren't in a serious relationship when you went undercover."

"Now I guess I'm wondering how serious it is."

I reached for her hand, holding it mine.

My genuinely wanted to console her.

"Did he tell you before or did he tell you after he already agreed to go under cover."

"It's done. He agreed to go. He wanted to have a nice dinner, and we were having a great evening and then… then he told me he was leaving."

I wonder if I could punch Cassidy?

"Liv, I'm really sorry."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Fuck him," she said angrily.

Her face went to the palm of her hand and I pulled her in to me. She rested her head on my shoulder.

"Did he say when he was leaving?"

"Next week."

"That's… sudden."

"Yeah..."

"Did he say for how long?"

"It could be months, a year…" Olivia said raising her head as I reached for her a tissue.

"So you had a fight at the restaurant?"

Olivia took the tissue "thank you," she said wiping her eyes. "We had a fight outside the restaurant and I bailed..."

"You left him there?"

"Yes, I walked away from him. I didn't want to stand there on the sidewalk and be that woman who is crying because her boyfriend is leaving her… so I just kept walking and the next thing I knew I was standing outside your building."

I gave Olivia a small smile. "I'm glad you came to me. And I am really sorry this is happening. For what it's worth I don't understand it either. I don't know why he would leave the best thing he every had."

"I just thought we had something. But it turns out he can just give it all up, let it all go, let me go…"

"Liv, I know it hurts, I'm sorry."

Tears where filling her eyes again.

I leaned in wrapping my arms back around her.

"I know it's a fucking pity party, but why am I not worth him staying?"

"You are worth it! He's being a idiot!"

"Just add him to the list of people who have fucking left me."

It wasn't a pity party, it was true.

Even I had left her twice.

"Liv, I know it's no consolation right now, but if he doesn't value being with you enough to not put a job before you…"

"Yeah, yeah he's not the one for me." Olivia finished.

I took a deep breath.

I could give her every cliché, but she had heard them all before.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I borrow some clothes? I just don't feel like being in this dress anymore."

"Of course you can! Come on let's go find you something."

Olivia followed me back to my bedroom.

"Alex I think you closet is as big as my bedroom." She joked.

"It is not!" I protested, laughing, trying to make the mood a little lighter.

"T-shirt or sweatshirt?"

"T-shirt."

I grabbed one of my favorite grey t-shirts.

"Yoga pants?"

"Do you still have those Harvard sweatpants?"

"Liv those things are stretched to hell."

"My boyfriend is leaving me to probably sleep with prostitutes."

I opened my mouth and then shut it again.

She let out a snicker and I couldn't help laugh.

"God Liv!"

It made her laugh harder.

I knew she wanted to cry.

"Ok, ok…" I said grinning as I pulled out a pair of faded crimson sweatpants and handed then to Olivia.

She smiled.

I loved to make her smile.

I wanted to promise her right there that I wanted to always make her smile and that I never wanted to make her cry.

She turned her back to me.

"Zipper?"

Deep breath.

I slid the zipper down her back revealing the matching back lace.

I was glad I took a moment to breath before, because I certainly wasn't now.

Before I could excuse myself to give her privacy to change, her dress was in a puddle in the floor and there she stood in black lace.

Sheer black lace.

I was sweating. Yep, sweating.

She slipped on the faded Harvard sweatpants and hung them low on her hips. She pulled on the t-shirt that held her in all the right places.

Then I did something I couldn't believe I did. Well I said something I couldn't believe I did.

"Why don't you just stay here tonight? It's late and I don't want you to be alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

I wasn't sure.

The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to kiss right above where the waistband of my sweatpants hit her hip bones… and then maybe kiss below…

Olivia smiled and pulled me in to a hug.

"Thank you."

"For what? You don't have to thank me for anything."

"No I just… I can't believe I went for such a long time without you in my life. Thank you for being here for me and listening to blubber on about Brian."

I smiled.

"Come on let's go get under the covers and we can talk until you fall asleep."

"You're the best." Olivia said seriously.

"I know, I know." I joked.

I watched as Olivia made her way to my bed and under the covers…

If only she knew I thought, I was the best or I would be the best, for her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Guys, your reviews have been amazing and truly inspiring! -M**

Ch. 5

I woke up the next morning with Olivia lying beside me.

Her hair had fallen from her up do and was splayed across the pillow. The t-shirt I had given her had risen, revealing her belly button and furthered the intrigue of her tanned skin.

I was feeling elated and bit guilty.

Olivia was in my bed though not the way I wanted her.

The point of her staying with me was so that she wouldn't be alone. Maybe it was so I wouldn't be alone either.

Watching her sleep, I wanted so badly to touch her.

Touch her ever so lightly just to run shivers down her spine. Let my lips drag down her…

"What time is it?" Olivia said her eyes opening, her arms stretching above her head, her t-shirt rising up further.

"Around 8:30."

She groaned.

"Did you sleep well?"

"So good. Your bed is so comfortable."

"I'm glad you slept well." I said unable to cover up my smile.

"Alex, thank you for letting me stay last night and thank you for knowing me enough to know I didn't want to go back to my apartment last night, that I didn't want to be alone."

"Hey, hey you don't have to thank me." I said sitting up in bed, my eyes only leaving her for a second. "I'm glad I would be there for you when you needed me."

"You were there for me, you've always been there for me."

I felt Olivia reach for my arm, her thumb brushing my skin.

"I'll go make us some coffee." I said suddenly unable to let her touch me.

I left her lying there.

If I didn't leave her lying there I would have kissed her.

I stood in the kitchen focused on the coffee brewing, questioning why in the hell I thought it was a good idea to invite her in to my bed when I wasn't allowed to touch her, kiss her… fuck her.

I didn't regret consoling her and I meant everything I said to her, but why was I so stupid to wake up to her.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her bare feet against the hardwood floor.

"Believe it or not I can make some mean eggs."

I turned to see her standing in the doorway, a slight smile on her face.

"I thought Olivia Benson didn't cook."

"Shhh, don't tell."

I grinned.

I pulled frying pan from the cabinet sitting it on the stove for her as she reached in the fridge for eggs.

"Toast?" I asked reaching for the loaf of bread as she traded places with me.

"Yeah… sounds good. Fried medium?"

I smiled and she took that as a yes.

I stuffed the bread in the toaster and reached around Olivia bumping in to her as I sat our plates on the counter next to the stove.

"Sorry I'm not used to being in the kitchen with anyone."

"No you're fine." Olivia said, seemingly unfazed as electricity buzzed through me.

She handed me my eggs and I put toast on her plate.

"Still take your coffee the same?" I asked.

"You know how I take my coffee?"

"Liv I've know you for a decade. I know how you take your coffee."

"A splash of cream."

"What?"

"You, you like your coffee with just a splash of cream."

I smiled.

No, I blushed.

"Yeah, that's how I like my coffee." I said softly.

We sat, we ate breakfast, we talked about the weather…

And it was perfect. It was simple.

"I should get home. I really just want to shower and…"

"You can shower here if you want."

Fuck Fuck Fuck

I have a disease.

"Really? You don't mind?"

"I like having you here. I like the company."

Olivia smiled and headed to the shower.

My shower.

I gave her time, her privacy.

I listen to the shower run for a good five minutes before I made my way in to the bedroom.

I pulled a pair of yoga pants and a clean t-shirt from the closet and sat them still folded on the bed.

I searched through my underwear drawer for something simple, something that wouldn't be too suggestive and laid then on top of the clothes I left for her.

I then settled in to the couch with the newspaper and what was left of my coffee.

"Hey."

Ok she knew what she was doing. Olivia Benson knew. She knew my secret, she knew I was in love with her, wanted to jump her bones because she was God dammed standing in my living room in a towel!

A white towel, her bronze skin, her hair wet…

Holy fuck.

I looked at her.

"My dress?" She questioned.

"Oh it's on the back of the closet door, but I left you clothes on the bed."

"Oh you did?" She said looking confused.

"Didn't want you to look like you where making the walk of shame." I said grinning.

Olivia laughed.

"I'll go get dressed and not stand in your living room in a towel."

I laughed.

I wanted to protest, but instead I just laughed. Thought that would go over better.

When Olivia reappeared I swear I did not chose those yoga pants to stare at her ass.

Her amazing perfect ass.

Olivia dug through her purse.

"He called 9 times."

"Did he leave a message?"

"4"

Olivia came and sat beside me on the couch and I kept quiet while I could overhear Cassidy saying he was sorry and pleading to see her.

Why wouldn't he?

She hung up then phone.

"I guess I owe it to him to see him. I did leave him standing on a sidewalk." She said rolling her eyes.

I shook my head.

As much as I wanted to make Cassidy disappear, she needed to see him. Get some sort of resolve whether it was in my favor or not.

"Yeah I think you should."

She looked down at her phone, hitting redial.

"Hey... I got your messages. Yeah I think we should. Yeah… I'll meet you around 10:30… ok bye.

Quick.

She hung up the phone looking over to me.

"Well?"

"I agreed to meet him for coffee."

"Good. You need to talk."

Olivia stood up and I followed.

"Here." I said stepping out of my flip flips.

Olivia looked down and grinned. "Thanks Al."

"Of course."

"And thank you again for last night," she said as she gathered her purse. "Can I just get my dress, shoes later?" She asked as I held the door for her.

Before I could say anything she hugged me, she actually held on as if I where the one that needed to be consoled.

As if I were the one who lost someone.

"Hey let me know how it goes ok?" I said sincerely.

"Yeah I'll call you later."

We said goodbye and I closed the door behind her taking in a deep breath to see if her scent had lingered in my apartment, on me.

She would call later, she would tell me about Cassidy, tell me if he had actually broken her heart, let her go.

Maybe I would invite her to dinner or a drink.

Maybe I would tell her how I would never break her heart, never let her go.

Or maybe I could just hold her until she figured it out for herself.


	6. Chapter 6

I can't tell you how inspiring your reviews are. They definitely give me direction on how this story plays out. I'm listening :) So thank you for the feedback! -m

Ch. 6

I held the dress up to me looking to her.

"Hello? Earth to Olivia!"

"Oh… God Al I'm sorry." Olivia said focusing. "You should try it on. It would look great on you."

I hung the dress back on the rack, still looking at her.

"Liv… ok you didn't call yesterday and when I called you this morning you wouldn't say anything about Cassidy, but you wanted to go shopping. So we're shopping and you're a million miles away..."

I watched her take a deep breath.

"Can we get out of here?"

"Yeah."

We made our way out on the street and walked making our way in to the edge of Central Park before she motioned for us to sit.

"We slept together."

"What? Wait… Ok."

I didn't mean to say it with such disdain, disbelief, but I did.

It was how I could process it.

Olivia leaned down planting her face in the palm of her hands.

"We are so fucked up. It's all so fucked up."

"It's a little fucked up." I confirmed.

"It seems to be how Brian and I handle things." She mumbled.

"So you had sex, any other resolve?"

Olivia sat up taking a deep breath never looking me in the eyes.

"He's still going under cover. He's still leaving… we fought, we had sex."

She finally looked over at me though I wasn't sure I wanted her to. I wasn't sure I could hide my emotions.

"I have no idea why I do this. We're not twenty fucking years old! We're adults, we have a relationship or we had a relationship… We just know sex will distract the other and make us both shut up..."

"Sex is a band-aid." I said out of reaction.

Her face went back to her hands.

And I pressed the palm of my hand on to her back in between her shoulder blades.

"Liv."

"I know, I know."

I had to do it. I had to say it.

I had to say it as her best friend and as someone who was in love with her.

"Liv be honest with me, is that the relationship you want?"

"What? No."

"Then stop having sex with him."

Olivia looked at me, shaking her head.

She looked out over the park, calculating her words, biting ferociously at her bottom lip.

"I don't want to be alone."

My heart sank.

What was I going to say to her, the right person won't leave you?

I FUCKING LEFT HER.

"I just don't want to be alone. I'm tired of being alone. I liked knowing Brian was there, I liked having someone to come home to. I feel like I've been alone my whole life and it was just felt good to wake up to the same person, to have someone…"

Her confession.

I leaned in looping my arm in hers. I rested my head on her shoulder.

I didn't say anything.

And maybe that got my point across.

My words were stuck in my throat though my mind was racing.

I had my own confession. I had my own apology.

I wanted to tell her I loved her that I promise to never leave her again, that she would never be alone again because I know how it feels to be without.

Without her.

"I'm sorry."

Olivia pulled away looking at me.

"What are sorry for?"

I tried to edit my words. I tried to not blurt what my heart wanted to say.

It was a sticky apology.

"I did it to." I said shyly.

"You did what?" Olivia asked me confused.

I held my breath.

"I left you."

Olivia looked at me, her eyes widening and then clenching shut.

"Liv."

She didn't say anything.

She had a way with silence.

She was biting her lip again.

"You couldn't help it. You left because you were in danger. You didn't choose to leave me."

A tear escaped my eyes and fell down my cheek.

I couldn't control it.

"Alex!" She said taking my hand in hers. She didn't understand why I was so upset.

"No… that's not what I meant. This past year… I left you."

"Al, we… life gets in the way. I understand that. It's just as much as my fault..."

I nodded.

God damn it!

"I missed you and I want you in my life, and Liv I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to ever be someone who leaves you."

She gave me a sad smile.

"Alex… I've never thought of you as someone who has left me."

She didn't know that I purposefully left her, that I distanced myself from her.

Life didn't get in the way, love did.

I swiped at the tears that had fallen down my cheeks.

"You just deserve be happy."

Olivia shook her head, squeezing my hand in hers once again.

"I think we both deserve to find that someone that will truly make us happy. Someone that won't make us feel alone."

I looked at her and smiled.

I wouldn't confess.

"You know what?" Olivia said sitting up straighter, physically gathering herself. "You should go back and try on that dress. You would look amazing in it."

I let out a breathy laugh, thankful for her vitality.

"If I do look "amazing" in it, will you go out to drinks with me?"

Fuck it.

"It's a date." Olivia said with a grin.

Oh God.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7

I stood starring back at myself in the mirror.

I soothed the material of the blue dress against my body.

The blue dress that she said matched my eyes.

Actually, she said I looked really sexy and then she said the dress matched my eyes.

There was in that moment I thought it wasn't my imagination and that she was flirting with me.

But I dismissed it after all she had just confessed that she had slept with Cassidy the night before.

And why would she flirt with me? Compliment yes, flirt no.

It was Saturday evening and I was picking her up in an hour for that "date" she had promised me.

I thought she would bail on me and I wouldn't have blamed her if she did.

But she was the one who brought it up. She was the one who insisted that we go out despite me telling her I understood if she didn't want to.

"Alex I've just buried myself in work all week and I just want to go out… and I don't want to talk about him."

Him.

I had noticed she was now referring to Cassidy as "him".

She had since the day he left her.

Last Monday.

I have to admit there was a part of me that thought he wouldn't do it. That he wouldn't actually leave her.

He had her.

He had HER.

But he did.

He had what I so badly wanted…

And he gave it all up.

I leaned in closer to the mirror applying the red lipstick Olivia always said she was jealous she couldn't wear.

Come to think about she always mentioned how sexy I was when I wore red lipstick.

She told me I was sexy a lot.

I sucked in my bottom lip and smiled.

An hour later I was standing outside her door.

She had left her front door cracked knowing I was headed up.

"Liv?" I said peering through the doorway before making my way in.

"I'm almost ready. I need to find my earrings!" She said, her voice coming from her bedroom.

"No rush." I said as I stood up straight, soothing my dress once again, making sure it fell against me in all the right places.

"Alex!" Olivia said appearing from her bedroom.

I looked up immediately blushing.

"You look amazing!"

I rolled my eyes brushing off her compliment.

"You sure you want to waist this dress in me?" She questioned.

Of course I did. I was wearing it for her.

"You promised to go out with me if I bought this dress!"

"Well you look incredible, very sexy Cabot." Olivia said grinning, leaving me unsure if she was teasing.

Sexy… that word again.

"I can honestly say you are looking pretty incredible yourself Benson." I said my eyes skimming the ivory color of her dress, envious of how a dress could fit her the way it did, and salivating at the way her dress fit her like it did.

Olivia grinned.

"Better than sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt?" Olivia joked.

"Very seldom do you not pull off looking great in even sweatpants, but Liv you look amazing."

"Thank you." She said as I could tell she too was blushing, accepting my compliment.

"So where are we going?" Olivia asked gathering her purse.

"There is this little gin bar hidden away in Chelsea. I thought we would try it if you're game."

"I'm in!" Olivia said excitedly. "You ready?"

As I'll ever be.

AOAOAOAOOAOAOAOOAOAOAOOAOAOAOAO

"I love this place," Olivia said looking around the dimly lit room.

We were seated in a crescent shaped booth tucked away in the corner.

"How did you find this place?" Olivia asked taking another sip of her drink.

"I actually just read about it recently. I'm always in search of a places like this."

"It feels so glamorous, but so relaxing. I love that you can't see or hear the city."

"Yeah it's like a little getaway with great cocktails."

"Cheers to that." Olivia said as I brushed my glass with hers. "You know I'm thinking about taking a vacation."

I looked over at Olivia a bit shocked at her declaration.

"What? I take vacations!" She defended.

"Do you?"

Olivia laughed.

"I just want to go lie on a beach somewhere, have a few too many bright colored drinks, forget everything."

"You deserve that." I encouraged.

"You know what? We should go!"

"Huh?"

Did she just say we should go on vacation? Together?

"Oh come on Alex! A nice ocean breeze, the sun… a few days away from reality."

I smiled.

I wanted to squeal.

"Actually that does sound pretty great…"

Before I could finish, the waiter came asking if we wanted anything else.

Olivia and I both ordered another cocktail and some appetizers.

"So?"

"So what?" I asked my mind buzzing.

"Vacation? The beach?"

Her face was lit up, she seemed so happy at the possibility of getting away from everything and she wanted me to go with her.

"Yes, let's do it!" I said excited myself.

Our drinks came and then food and we started throwing out beach destinations.

By our third drink we were laughing one minute and deep in conversation the next.

"These cocktails have some weight to them!" Olivia giggled. "We should probably go before we have to stagger out of here!"

I agreed and when the check came I insisted to pay, reminding Olivia I invited.

Olivia's apartment was not terribly far so we decided to walk some of our cocktails off and I would catch a cab home.

"Al, I had so much fun tonight, thank you for getting me out of my funk, for making me laugh and for treating me."

"I'm glad you had a good night. You deserve it. It was a rough week."

Olivia smiled before turning to make her way up her front steps.

I'm not sure why I did what I did next. I didn't plan it.

I had no intentions of grabbing her arm.

Olivia turned back to me and before I let her say anything I leaned in and I kissed her.

It happened so fast.

"Alex."

She pulled away.

My name was all she said to go with the look of shock on her face.

"Liv…" I looked at her frightened eyes. "Liv, I'm sorry. I don't know, I'm, I'm sorry."

"I should go." Olivia finally said.

I squeezed my eyes shut hoping that when I opened them this would all have been a nightmare.

"Liv…"

She only looked at me shaking her head before making her way up the steps and disappearing behind the door.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

What the fuck had I done?


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8.

I guess it is needless to say I had barely slept.

I watched the sun come up that Sunday morning from a coffee shop at the end of my block.

I was the first one there.

The first one in line to order a coffee black and to only add a splash of cream.

There was a part of me that had an inkling to buy her a coffee and maybe one of those blueberry scones she loved.

A peace offering.

That's if she would take a peace offering.

I hadn't tried to call her yet.

I'm not certain if she's angry with me or horrified.

I think I would rather her be angry.

I had never had a real fight with Olivia.

I mean we had definitely had our moments over work, but it was never personal.

I would say me kissing Olivia on the steps of her apartment, days after her boyfriend left her qualifies as something she may want to argue about.

I would try and call her later.

Maybe she would call me?

I wandered the streets with my coffee.

The streets were getting more crowded as everyone began to wake-up.

I happily dodged dogs on leashes and kids on scooters passing me by.

Walking was keeping me occupied.

It was buying me time before she said nothing or she said everything.

Buying time before I had to admit to myself I was right all along.

That I shouldn't be in love with her and more importantly I couldn't be in love with her.

I kept walking, and made my way in to the park following the path I was given.

I knew she was awake by now.

She had probably been up hours ago.

Maybe she didn't sleep either.

I should call her.

Just call her, get it over with.

I suddenly felt sick.

My thoughts and my coffee were too strong.

What was I going to say when I called her?

Would she even listen?

Would she even answer?

Would she hang up?

Fuck.

I sat down in the grass letting the morning sun burn again my back.

I looked around. I was alone.

How ironic that I was alone.

A city this big, a park that always had bicyclists, and runners, and kids playing…

I was alone.

I pressed my finger against her name on the screen of my phone.

The phone rang.

It rang again and again.

The sound of her voice pierced my ear.

Her voicemail.

I hung up.

I hung up, my phone taking a hard landing in to the soft grass.

Fuck.

She had asked me to brunch. She started it.

I had stayed on my side of town. I had done what I needed to do to stay away from her, to not kiss her.

She had drinks with me, she slept in my bed, she knows how I like my fucking coffee and then she God damned wanted me to take a vacation with her!

I was fine suffering on my own. At least then I knew I wasn't hurting her. I wasn't freaking her the fuck out… and she didn't hate me.

I liked knowing she didn't hate me.

I picked up the phone again and pressed send.

The phone rand and then again…

Her voice.

Her voice went through the mechanical motions, "This is Detective Olivia Benson…" and I prepared to speak.

My throat was dry.

I heard the beep but my brain was on delay…

It was that 2 seconds of uncertainty.

"Liv. Hey, it's me… I'm sorry." I tried to swallow. "Liv I wont keep calling I just, please… I'm just really sorry and I need to know you're ok. I need to know you don't hate me. Ok… ok…. Bye."

It wasn't articulate, eloquent by any means.

I walked home.

Maybe I would go back to bed.

The day was worthless at this point.

Worthless until she called back.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao

I had done just as I had planned.

I got back to my apartment, closed the curtains, striped myself naked and crawled into bed.

And for the second time in the last 8 hours I cried myself to sleep.

I slept.

I obviously had slept for hours because when my phone rang my apartment was pitch dark.

Her.

Oh God it was her!

I jumped up, stumbling through my apartment looking for my phone, following the echoes of each ring.

I looked down – "Unknown Caller."

My heart deflated.

It wasn't her name.

I thought of not answering, I though of throwing my phone across the room and cursing the interruption.

Instead on the last ring I answered.

"Alex Cabot."

"Ms. Alexandra Cabot?"

"This is she." I said impatiently.

"Ms. Cabot this is Nurse Nancy Brooks from at St. Luke's Hospital. I have you as an emergency contact for Detective Olivia Benson."

Oh God.

"What! Yes?"

I was her emergency contact?

"Detective Benson was brought in late this afternoon…"

"Is she ok? What happened?"

I was panicking.

My mind was racing. My heart pounding.

"Ms. Cabot she should be fine. She was knocked out cold on the job, but has since come to. We will be taking her up for an MRI soon. Her partner, Detective Amaro is here with her, but I did have you has her emergency contact..."

"No, no I'll be right there! Thank you for calling me!" I said already making my way by to my bedroom in search of anything that resembled clothing.

I'm sure I was the last person she wanted to see, but right now she was the only person I wanted to see.

Your best friend in the emergency room trumped inappropriately kissing her.


	9. Chapter 9

Hey guys, so sorry to leave you hanging! I was traveling! Also, forgive if there are a lot of typos! I typed this in Evernote on my iPad so you never know what might be hidden! I'll be home tomorrow and back to writing :) Thanks for your patience and as always thank you so much for your reviews :) -M

Ch. 9.

I asked the cab driver could he go faster three times and I apologized three times.

By the time I arrived at St. Luke's I had gone over every scenario that could have possibly happen to her and then prepared myself for the state she was in.

She was fine.

She was tough.

Remarkably tough.

Olivia had a way of being invincible.

Seeming invincible.

I got out of the cab at the doors of the emergency room.

"Nick!" I said seeing him sitting there, his head resting against the wall behind him.

"Alex!" he said surprised to see me. "Did they call you?" he asked confused why I was there.

"Turns out I'm Olivia's emergency contact." I said, honestly as surprised as he was.

"I would have thought I would have seen Cassidy here not you."

"Sorry to disappoint." I said dryly.

"Not disappointed, I'm relieved! I asked Liv if she wanted me to call him, but she just kept mumbling no."

I looked at Nick, not elaborating. If Liv hadn't told Nick that she and Cassidy had broken up, I certainly wasn't going to!

"How is she? Is she ok? The nurse said she was knocked out?" I said changing the subject.

"Yeah… she came to, but she was really disoriented and confused. She has a concussion and they just took her up for an MRI."

"What happened?" I asked wincing.

"We had a warrant to go in to a suspect's apartment. When we got there the place was empty. Next thing I know I heard a crash and it was Liv hitting the floor. She didn't even have time to yell. He just came out of nowhere and hit her as hard as he could."

"Why would he do that? What did he have to gain by knocking her out?"

"I don't know if he thought he would try and escape and Liv was in his path..."

"Did you hit him?" I asked looking down at Nick's red, swollen hand.

Nick held up his right hand inspecting the damage as if he hadn't noticed. "My hand may have accidentally ran in to his face a couple of times after I saw what he did to Olivia."

I gave Nick a smirk in approval.

"I assume he's in lock up?"

"Swollen face and all... Look Alex speaking of a swollen faces, Liv's looked pretty bad. Her face was already being to swell and he gave her a pretty good gash on her cheek."

"He could have broken her jaw! God... he could have killed her!" I said reacting.

"Alex she's fine. Or she'll be fine!" Nick assured.

"Detective Amaro? Detective Benson is back from her MRI."

Nick and I both stood immediately.

"Can we see her?" I asked with my mind made up that I wasn't taking no for an answer.

"Yes, but let me warn you her pain meds have not warn off yet so she's pretty groggy, and still a bit disoriented."

Nick and I both followed the nurse back to Olivia.

The right side of her face was swollen and her cheek was cut and already several shades of black and blue.

I stood beside her taking the sight of her in.

"Alex, she's fine." Nick assured me.

I guess he could see that I was thrown aback by the sight of her.

That it scared me.

Without thinking, without sensoring myself I reached for her hand, squeezing it gently in mine.

Olivia stirred, opening her eyes to me.

"Hi there." I said with a small encouraging smile.

Olivia didn't answer right away though she held my hand a little tighter.

"Hey Liv." Nick said leaning in to her line of vision. "Do you know where you are?"

I watched as Olivia's eyes looked around.

"Hospital." She said finally and much to our relief.

"Do you remember what happened?" I asked.

Olivia looked at us both glassy eyed and confused.

"That's okay Liv it happened really fast." Nick said trying to assure her.

Olivia looked at Nick and then back at me, starring for a moment.

"You were so beautiful in that blue dress."

I was sure my cheeks turned a bright red.

What was she saying?

What made her say that?

I would play it off.

"You looked beautiful too Liv." I said meaning every word.

But I looked to Nick and the puzzled look on his face.

I shrugged at him as to say to him she's talking jibberish... She must be confused.

Olivia had closed her eyes mumbling a bit. Then clear as day she said, "I think Alex loves me."

I didn't say anything. I was panicking!

"I love Alex." She said with a grin.

Oh God Olivia shut the fuck up.

Panic

Sheer panic!

"And I love you too Nick" she said lazily.

Nick looked at me and grinned.

"Love you too Liv." He said humoring her.

The nurse came in just in time before Olivia decided to make any more declarations.

"Does Detective Benson live alone?" The nurse asked.

"Yes." Nick said speaking up.

"Olivia can be released from the hospital, but she will need someone with her for at least the next 24 hours..."

Nick looked at me. "Maybe we should call Cassidy."

"Who is Cassidy?" The nurse asked.

"Her boyfriend."

"Her ex- boyfriend." I said finally. "Nick, they broke up."

"Oh." Nick said, now understanding Olivia's objection to calling Cassidy before.

"I'll stay with her." I volunteered.

She may kill me when she comes down from her high, but her options were limited.

It was me or the hospital and surely she would choose me.

"I'll get Olivia dressed and you can sign her discharge papers at the nurse's station." The Nurse instructed.

I nodded, then I let Olivia know we would be right back as I made my way out the door and Nick followed.

"I'm going to call the Captain, update him, let him know she's being released." Nick said respectfully. "Then I'll help you get her home."

"Thanks Nick." I said with a small appreciative smile.

aoaoaoaaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao

When I came back in Olivia was dressed in her blood stained clothes. She was sitting up in the chair next to the bed, her head resting in to her palm.

"Hey." I said, wondering the state she was in.

"Al."

Her voice sounded more coherent.

"Yeah?"

"Can we get out of here?"

I smiled.

"Yeah we can."

I went to help her out of the chair, holding her steady as she wobbled a bit.

"Al."

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to throw up."

"Ok," I said quickly searching for the trash can while trying to not let go of her.

The moment I held it up to her, she emptied the contents of her stomach in to the trash can.

"It's ok. It's ok."

"I'm sorry." She began apologizing.

"No you're fine, you couldn't help it. It's ok!"

"Can I just go home and lay down in my own bed?"

"We'll get you home soon. I promise."

Olivia stood a little straighter.

"Alex."

"Yes Liv?

"Thanks for coming here tonight..."

"Of course I would!"

"I was just a little surprised to see you after last night. I wasn't sure if you would..."

"Liv you're my best friend and I will always be here when you need me." I said giving Olivia an assuring smile. "Let's get you out of here ok... We'll talk later."

Olivia nodded her head agreeing as she took my arm, holding on tightly.

"You ok?" I asked making sure she wasn't nauseous again.

She shook her head slightly letting me know she was ok.

She was ok.

And for the moment we were ok.

We would talk later.


	10. Chapter 10

I love when I have those moments when I get stoked about what I'm writing! You're reviews have been so great and have my brain on overload! :) - M

Ch. 10

Nick practically carried Olivia up the stairs.

At the hospital her loopy confessions had turned in to nausea. By the time we made it to her apartment her nausea was ever present and so was a raging headache.

By the time I got the door to her apartment open she had let go of Nick and

made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up again.

Nick helped Olivia get in bed.

She lay on top of the covers, still in her blood stained clothes, looking completely miserable.

"You sure this is normal? Nick asked me.

I looked at Olivia, her eyes clenched shut and in obvious pain.

I wanted to comfort her, make her feel better...

Nick was standing right behind me.

"The doctor said she may be nauseous and a headache was to be expected…" I said shrugging my shoulders. "I'll help her change clothes and hopefully she can sleep for a while."

"Yeah maybe she can sleep and will wake up feeling better… You sure you got this?"

"I'll be fine."

I wanted to comfort her, make her feel better…

"Ok, you'll call me if you need anything? Or if anything changes?" Nick asked concerned.

"I definitely will." I assured him.

I left Liv long enough to see Nick out.

When I retuned, Olivia she had pushed her jeans down her thighs obviously giving in before she could get them completely off.

I thought twice.

I had to think twice before I reached for the waist of her jeans that rested at her mid thigh.

Yes my eyes skimmed her tanned thighs; yes I saw the purple silk panties she was wearing...

I thought twice and then had to stop thinking.

"Liv I'm going to help you get undressed ok… so you can be more comfortable."

She only nodded her head yes, mumbling ok.

My fingers locked against the waist of her jeans. I pulled her jeans down her long legs, finding my fingers dragging against her skin. I tossed her jean to the chair across the room.

"Liv, hey…" I said trying to keep her attention to what I was doing, though she seemed to care less. "Let's get you out of this blood stained shirt ok?"

I helped her sit up.

"Alex?"

"Yeah Liv?"

"My head is killing me."

"I know, I know I'm sorry. Let's just get you in to something to sleep in and then you can rest ok? Then I'll get you some ice for your cheek and maybe that will help."

Something promising.

I thought I would try something promising.

"I just want to lay down."

"I know it will be quick."

I pulled her shirt from her. And for a moment I thought of asking her if she wanted me to turn my head, to not see her naked.

But I knew she didn't care at that moment.

I found a t-shirt she had obviously slept in at some point…

I was careful to pull it over her head.

When I got it around her neck, I leaned in undoing her bra, letting the t-shirt cover her.

Even if she didn't care, I couldn't invade her privacy.

Or maybe I felt like I was too much of a perv and I didn't want to see her naked breast and think inappropriate thoughts while she was in pain.

I slid her arms through the t-shirt.

"Ok Liv you can lay down now." I said helping her ease back on to the bed and pulling the covers over her bare legs.

"Alex… thank you."

I smiled.

She was always polite.

She always had her manners about her.

"You're welcome Liv."

I knew there was no use in protesting, telling her not to thank me. She always would.

"I'm going to get you an icepack. I'll be right back ok? Do you need anything else?"

She shook her head no.

A few minutes later I returned with an icepack and a glass of water.

"Liv this will be a little cold." I warned as I pressed it gently against her cheek.

I watched her wince from the touch of her bruised, cut face.

"That ok?"

She nodded, "thanks Al."

She wouldn't complain.

"Alex, are you leaving?"

"Liv, of course not! I wouldn't leave you!"

There was a moment of silence.

"Don't call him ok?"

Him

Seriously him?

Fuck.

"No, Liv I wouldn't call him."

"Will you lay down with me?"

She couldn't see the curve of my mouth.

How her request made me smile.

"Yeah I'll be right here with you." I said as I lay down beside her.

She was practically leaning against my chest as I held the cold compress to her cheek with one hand and stroked the ends of her hair gently with the other hoping it would sooth her to sleep.

I watched her jaw come unclenched and her body relax a bit as she rested in my arms.

I lay there watching her, guarding her… my fingers lazily soothing her hair.

"Please don't hate me Liv." I whispered softly against her ear.

"I could never hate you." She said, barely audible as sleep was taking her over.

It only took a few minutes and, though fitfully she was asleep.

I closed my eyes, beat down from all that had happen in the last 24 hours.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao

I opened my eyes, the feel of Olivia shifting in my arms.

I had no idea how long either of us had slept until I saw the breaking sun appearing through the edges of the closed curtains.

For a moment I was thankful that Olivia and I both got to rest.

I looked down at her hoping sleep had made her feel better, instead I noticed that her hair around her face was wet, that her neck was beaded with sweat.

"Liv… Liv?" I said softly and then a little louder.

I pulled myself from against her, trying desperately not to jolt her too much.

"Liv? Honey?"

"Sick," was the only thing she said.

"You think I can help you up? Go to the bathroom?"

I helped her up, sitting on the side of the bed.

"Bathroom." Olivia said grabbing my arm and I quickly helped her make her way to the bathroom.

It wasn't minutes later she and I both were sitting in her tiny bathroom floor. She had thrown up again and the t-shirt she was wearing was soaked from perspiration.

"Your head still hurt?"

"Not as bad… I just feel so sick."

"Will you be ok for just a sec.? I'm going to get my phone to call the doctor."

She didn't protest.

I left her there, the cool tub against her back, holding her in an upright, though slumped position.

I talked to the doctor.

The next question I was being asked was could she make it to the hospital or should they send an ambulance.

I called Nick. He would be here faster.


	11. Chapter 11

**Yeah I'm a little nervous about posting this one! -M**

Ch. 11

I watched as her eyes opened lazily and then look up at me.

I smiled, happy to see her looking more like Olivia and not someone being tortured by pain.

She looked around for the first time realizing where she was.

Back in the hospital, only this time with clarity.

"How long was I asleep?"

"For a little over an hour… You needed the rest."

"My headache's gone."

"They gave you something for it." I said pointing to the bags of fluids above her head.

"How do you feel?"

"A little like shit… How do I look?" She asked, reaching for her cheek.

"A little like shit." I grinned.

She smiled.

She winced forgetting about her face, but she smiled.

"I'm sorry, no time for jokes." I apologized.

"I like your jokes. I think you're funny." She said dryly.

I bit my bottom lip, holding on to my smile.

"Have they said anything?" Olivia asked referring to the tests she went through upon her second arrival to the emergency room.

"Still waiting for the results."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass."

"Liv, you have in no way been a pain in the ass! And I'm glad I could be here with you, otherwise I would have been out of my mind and I definitely would have been the pain in the ass!"

She gave me a small appreciative smile, "Thanks Alex".

I returned the smile.

A moment of silence passed.

"Can I get you anything?" I offered.

"You should probably go home, get some sleep yourself."

"You were a bit out of it last night, but I promised you earlier I wasn't going to leave you. You're stuck with me."

"I know you said that." Olivia said, the corner of her mouth turning upwards. "And I'm glad you're here."

I waited for Olivia's protest and for her to insist I go home.

Instead she reached for my hand, holding on.

She looked the other way, her eyes focusing on the wall opposite of me.

"And for the record, I meant what I said earlier, I could never hate you and I don't even know why you would consider that I would." She said seriously.

I sighed.

I know she felt my body collapse in her hand.

Now I was suddenly the one that felt nauseous.

Can we talk about this later?

Please?

I finally got the guts to speak.

"I crossed the line Liv."

"You kissed me Alex, you didn't run over my puppy."

"Your puppy?" I questioned sarcastically.

"It's all I could come up with, give me a break here!"

I smiled.

Then I didn't smile.

"I just really thought you were angry with me. The look on your face the other night... I wasn't sure you would ever want to talk to me again. I fucked up, I fucked up my friendship with my best friend."

"I was stunned Alex…"

"I know, I know and I'm so sorry!"

"I just didn't know you… I didn't know..."

The nurse came in interrupting us.

Olivia's jumbled thoughts were pushed aside along with my hand as the nurse immediately went to Olivia's IV and stopped the timed drips.

"Glad to see you're awake Ms. Benson. Are you feeling ok?"

"Feeling better, thank you." Olivia responded politely.

"Are you changing something?" I asked, watching protectively.

"Have orders to stop the pain medication, but she will finish out the rest of this bag of fluids." The nurse said now pressing more buttons.

"Should we worry about her headache coming back? Is that what caused the nausea?"

Again, protective.

"The doctor should be on her way with the test results. She will be able to explain everything to you both."

That wasn't the most soothing explanation.

Actually it was a shitty explanation.

Luckily the doctor walked in as the nurse was leaving and I didn't have time to introduce her to the interrogation of Alexandra Cabot.

"Ms. Benson, I'm Dr. Jones." She said taking Olivia's hand gently instead of shaking it.

She turned to me.

"Alex." I said shaking her hand.

Who was this doctor? I hadn't seen her before at either hospital visit.

"Ms. Benson…"

"Olivia, please"

"Olivia," she smiled. "Maybe you want to talk privately?"

"No, I'd like Alex to stay."

I gave Olivia a quick smile.

"Olivia, we went over your scans again, everything looks fine. It wasn't until we got to your blood tests that we saw what is causing your body to have such an extreme sensitivity to your concussion and to the pain…. Olivia, you're pregnant."

"What." Olivia and I both echoed.

Did she say she was…

I watched Olivia clench her eyes shut, "oh God," seeped from her lips.

Think Alex. Say something intelligent because Olivia looks like she's about to stroke out.

Maybe it's good we're in a hospital.

Ok. Say something. Say something to the doctor.

"So is the baby ok?" I asked.

Baby.

A baby.

"We will do an ultrasound to make sure everything's ok and to see how far along you are Olivia."

I looked at Olivia.

She wasn't saying anything.

"Do you mind if she has a minute to let this all sync in?" I asked knowing that at any second Olivia may implode.

And I wasn't sure what that implosion may involve.

"Of course. Olivia if you're ok, I'll go order the ultrasound."

Olivia only shook her head to respond.

Dr. Jones, made her way out.

"Shit!"

The word fell from Olivia's mouth the moment the door closed.

The word bounced throughout the room.

I did the only thing I knew to do.

I grabbed her hand in mine and squeezed and began to try and assure her.

"It will all be ok! Liv…"

"How did I do that?" How did I fuck up? All these years… I mean once in college, but God! Alex it's his baby… this is his baby… and I'm too old to be pregnant, and I've been drinking and I got knocked out and they've pumped me with drugs… and, Oh my God…"

Olivia was panicking.

I was not allowed to panic, Olivia was panicking.

"Liv, it's ok! I think the doctor would have brought it up if he had those concerns right away. It's ok. I'm sure everything's fine and everything will be fine."

"It's not fine. Oh my God it's not fine. This is a joke. Alex, this isn't funny."

"Liv it will be ok, everything will be fine."

That was all I knew to say.

To keep repeating it would be ok.

Shit!

A few minutes later the nurse came in, though this time a bit more hesitantly and obviously being informed of how Olivia took the news.

"Ms. Benson would you like to try and sit up for a bit while we're waiting on your ultrasound?"

I knew Olivia would want to sit up, it would be one step closer for her to be able to bolt out of here.

The nurse wasted no time helping Olivia in to a sitting position. I stood by her side ready to grab a trashcan or her if needed.

"I'll let you sit here for a just a minute and get acclimated. Do you feel ok?" The nurse asked.

Oh sure, I'm sure she feels fucking great!

Olivia nodded, "thank you" she said before the nurse left the room again.

I watched her take a deep breath.

"Are you ok?" I asked concerned.

She looked up at me, her eyes dark.

"This is happening so fast. This is happening…" Olivia stopped herself.

I leaned in reaching for her, wrapping my arms around her, holding her as tightly as I could.

I just held her, feeling her sink in to my arms.

When I pulled away tears had fallen, glistening against her bruised cheek.

I was trying not to cry.

I reached for a Kleenex wiping her cheeks as gently as I could.

We sat in silence.

Any small talk or assurance had gone out the window with the word, "pregnant".

I too was having a moment where it all felt like it was going too fast.

She was pregnant.

Pregnant with Brian Cassidy's baby.

Cassidy was God knows where undercover, for God knows how long.

It was a lot to process.

A lot to sort through.

And she obviously wasn't happy to be pregnant with his baby and I can't say I was thrilled either. In love with her or not, I didn't want it to be him because he bailed on her. Bailed on her right in the middle of a relationship, chose a job over her. It didn't say much for what kind of father he would be.

A knock at the door produced a young woman rolling in an ultra sound machine.

"Ms. Benson? I'm Sadie, I'll be assisting Dr. Jones with your ultrasound."

Olivia gave her a faint smile. "Thank you."

That's all the response Olivia seemed to have to anyone, a small forced smile and a thank you.

The ever polite Olivia Benson strikes again.

It was happening so fast… It was happening…

Dr. Jones was back, Olivia was again lying down, her Olive skinned belly exposed from underneath her hospital gown.

"Ok Olivia we're going to check for the position of the baby, and look for a heartbeat."

I reached for Olivia's hand.

It was trembling ever so slightly.

"There we go!" Dr. Jones said as a tiny pulsating blip appeared on the screen. "There's your baby's heartbeat."

I was unsure if the sound of the heart beating was mine or the baby's.

I couldn't imagine what was going through Olivia's head.

I took my eyes away from the screen and looked down at her.

Tears were involuntarily falling from her eyes.

"Olivia, you look to be about seven weeks along."

Seven weeks.

Seven weeks ago she was happy.

She was with Cassidy, she was happy.

It was long before he decided to just up and leave her.

I looked at Olivia and smiled.

"Does everything seem ok?" I asked, unsure if Olivia had anything to say.

"Everything looks good. Olivia you can have an amniocentesis in a few weeks if that's something you want to do. But right now everything looks good and is right on schedule."

Olivia shook her head, the polite smile, the thank you.

As the doctor wiped down her belly I was praying there was happiness somewhere in Olivia's state of shock.

She had wanted a baby for so long.

And though not as she had planned, this was it. This was her chance at what she always wanted.

"Ok we'll see about getting you released, again." Dr, Jones smiled. "Let you get home, in your own bed, so you can get some more rest. Maybe let the days events sink in a little more."

Dr. Jones looked at me and I nodded assuring I would take care of her.

We were left alone again and in silence.

"Hey we'll get you home, we'll figure this out ok."

Olivia looked away from me.

I gathered my thoughts for the millionth time.

"How about you come home with me, sleep in my bed? I think I remember you telling me how good you slept there."

It wasn't a move, it was me, her best friend trying anything to make her feel ok. To help her let this sink in, to accept this baby.

Olivia went to sit up and I helped her, still uncertain if she was dizzy.

She let out a breath, pacing herself.

"Can I borrow those Harvard sweatpants of yours?"

I smiled.

"Absolutely."

"I'll get it together Alex."

"I know! Just need to let it all sink in, get your thoughts together." I assured her.

"Just tell the guys I'm fine. Tell them I had a migraine or it was just symptoms of the concussion ok?"

"Of course."

Olivia took another deep breath.

And once again I wondered if she was trying to muster some sort of happiness.

If she was, it wasn't showing.

I leaned into her once again, wrapping my arms around her, holding on tightly.

I would take her home, to my bed. And given a little time I would do my best to remind her this was all she ever asked for in life.


	12. Chapter 12

I absolutely loved your reviews! I was a little worried about the Cassidy baby reaction! I debated so much about Olivia being pregnant, but I also had so much drama and storyline in my head if she was. So hold on tight :) Thank you so much for your input and your reviews! -M

Ch. 12

She talked in her sleep.

She mumbled words that were barely audible.

But it seemed that she said more in her sleep than she said when she came home from the hospital.

Home to my apartment.

I gave her, her silence.

I have her, her space.

I didn't push or prod.

She showered, and I had her favorite sweatpants, that were my favorite sweatpants laid out for her with a t-shirt just as I had the last time she was here.

I gave her silence.

I gave her space.

When I got in bed she was asleep.

She was lying there; her hair had dried in waves, her bruised cheek a stark contrast to her clean make-up free face.

The covers were pushed down around her hips, her arm thrown lazily across my side of the bed.

My side.

I moved her arm gently next to her.

She didn't flinch.

My eyes traced the curves her body, I watched the rise and fall of her chest, I even found my self lost in the thought of the baby that only a few hours ago neither of us knew existed, and that was now all consuming.

I wanted to touch her, hold her, but I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

I turned out the light, lying down next to her; my eyes wide open in the dark.

I laid there for hours thinking and eventually listening to whatever she was trying to verbalize in her sleep that she couldn't yet verbalize with me.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaooaoao

I woke up, my eyes opening to her no longer lying beside me.

There was a moment where I felt a bit of panic because she wasn't there.

All that had transpired in the last two days would cause a bit of panic.

I got out of bed, my bare feet padding against the hardwood floor.

I found her looking out the window to the view of the city.

Her eyes fixated on the world below.

"Good morning," I said softly as to not startle her.

She tuned to look at me, the sun illuminating her face.

"Good morning."

"Have you been up long?"

"For a little while," she said turning back to the window.

I walked closer towards her.

"How's the world out there?"

"Still spinning."

"You had breakfast?"

"I made coffee." Olivia said holding up her cup.

"Should you…?"

"A cup of coffee is fine… I Googled it."

I grinned, shaking my head.

I couldn't help but grin.

Neither of us knew anything about having a baby.

I made my way to the kitchen seeking the coffee.

"Pancakes?" I asked looking through the cabinets, hoping to find something that she would agree to eat.

Olivia tuned back towards me.

She gave me a shy smile.

"I haven't had pancakes in forever."

"So I'll take that as a yes?"

She nodded, "sounds good."

"You'll sit, keep me company?" I requested, motioning towards the seat at the counter.

She sat as I started breakfast.

She sat in silence though.

Her eyes fixated on the counter top like they were on the view from the window.

She was easily a million miles away.

"Blueberry or chocolate chips?"

I waited for her response.

"Earth to Olivia."

"Hmm?"

"Blueberry or chocolate chips in your pancakes?"

"Oh, chocolate of course."

"Good choice!" I said making sure she caught me smile and hoping she would give me a smile back.

Another bout of silence.

Silence I may have to learn to get used to.

"How about Mexico?" She said out of nowhere.

"Mexico?" I asked, looking to her.

Seeing her hands fidgeting.

"I still want to go on that vacation we talked about."

"Ok… yeah."

"Maybe Puerto Vallarta? I've never been. It seems like it would fun."

I was completely thrown off by the vacation conversation.

That was what she was thinking about?

Mexico?

"Yeah um, I've never been either." I said a bit hesitantly.

"You still want to go?"

"Yes I do, I do want to go. It sounds great."

Olivia gave me a quick smile; I guess satisfied that I wanted to go.

"So when do you want to go?" I asked.

"About two months ago." She said dryly.

I understood what she was referring to.

Actually beside "Googling" if she should have her morning coffee it was the only reference she made to being pregnant.

I handed her a plate of pancakes and gestured for her to follow me to the table where I hoped we could talk.

"So just let me know when you want go. I'll be ready." I said trying to sound more excited.

"It's just been a rough couple of weeks you know. I just need time to let things go for just a second… or maybe a couple of days. Then I can come back and… and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do."

"Yeah that sounds like a plan." I said agreeing.

I did agree.

Maybe a vacation was exactly what she needed.

We finished breakfast in silence.

The silence I was getting used to.

After breakfast I took our plates to the sink and Olivia went back to the window.

I watched her, studying her.

The look on her face, the way she folded and unfolded her arms in to her chest like she was unsettled.

"We could talk." I said making my way towards her.

She turned to look at me, letting out a breathy laugh.

"So much to talk about. I guess I'm not really sure where to start."

I sat down the couch, letting her sit, or stand, or pace… whatever she wanted to do.

Truthfully I wasn't sure where to start either.

"Well I can think of a variety of subjects we're both trying to avoid."

She turned back to the window and I endured that fucking silence once again.

"Why did you kiss me?

Oh God. Couldn't we talk about the baby? Or Cassidy? Something else first?

"Liv."

"You probably regret it now anyway huh?"

"What?" I asked

She never turned to look at me, she never explained her comment.

"I only regret making you feel uncomfortable. I regret not being able abide by my own rules?" I answered.

"Your rules?'

I ran my hand through my hair, thinking…

Calculating my words.

I should say it. I should say everything.

And at this point we weren't even having a conversation face to face so fuck it…

"I set rules for myself and I broke the number one rule."

"Your number one rule was to not kiss me?"

"Yes, it was to not kiss you."

"Why did you want to kiss me?"

"Liv."

"Alex." She said turning to glace at me for a moment and then back to the window.

"What do you want me to say? You want me to confess? I mean what good would it do? What would it change? I've already made it awkward. I've already broke the rules…"

"Because I need to know if when you kissed me it meant something." I watched her head drop. "I need to know if I lead you on and it was just a moment where you thought kissing me would be fun, or if you at that moment were willing to risk everything… to kiss me."

"I'm in love with you."

My heart was racing, my mouth felt numb… Oh God.

Olivia turned around looking at me her arms once again folded across her chest, her lip tucked between her teeth.

I let out a nervous laugh.

"I take it back. I think rule number one should have been not blurting out that I'm in love with you." I said my face now falling in to the palm of my hands.

"Alex." I could feel her coming towards me; she sat down on the coffee table in front of me. "Alex, look at me."

I looked up at her.

"Liv I don't need this pity speech you're about to give me."

"No pity speech." She said pulling my hands away from my face.

I looked at her and then diverted my eyes away.

She pulled back, sitting up straighter.

"God, I didn't see myself here." She said, shaking her head.

"Liv, I'm so sorry."

She laughed again that nervous laugh.

"Liv."

"What? Alex… What am I supposed to do? What am I suppose to say? The irony that every fucking man I've ever been with has given up on me, including the man who is the father of this baby and here you are my best friend, the one person who has never broken my heart is sitting here telling me that you're in love with me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel?"

"Liv you don't have to feel the same way I feel about you. I mean know you don't feel the same. When I kissed you I obviously didn't control my feeling or what I was doing. And even if I am in love with you…" I clenched my eyes shut for a moment, pausing if anything to breath. "Olivia I've been in love with you for a long time…"

"But I didn't know then."

I let out a deep breath.

"And you do now and I can't take it back, just like when I kissed you, I can't take it back. So it's your call to let me be in your life despite how I feel for you…"

Olivia stood up.

Her pacing began.

"You still feel that way?" She asked.

"Don't you think if I could just shut off the way I feel I would have? Don't you think I know you have enough to deal with than me thinking about getting in your pants?"

Olivia stopped looking at me.

"Oh shit!" I said completely embarrassed at what just came from my mouth. "What is wrong with me!"

Olivia laughed.

She actually laughed.

"This is completely dysfunctional… God, why didn't you run out the door when the doctor said I was pregnant?"

"I'm not leaving you."

"Stop saying that!

"I won't, because I'm not! I'm not bailing on you like Cassidy did!"

"But you're going to get wrapped up in this and it's all just so messed up. It will be so messed up."

"And I told you it will be ok, that everything will be ok."

"You don't deserve to have this in your life."

"This? You? A baby? What is this?"

"I don't want you resenting me, even hating me because I have things all fucked up. Or… if I don't reciprocate how you feel about me."

"I told you I know you don't feel the same."

"Why are you ok with that?"

I stood up, standing on the opposite side of the couch from her.

"Because I tried being away from you. I tried purposefully to not be in your life."

"You what?" She asked confused.

"The night at the art galley, when you caught me out on the steps as I was leaving… I was trying to avoid you."

"What? Why, why?"

"Because Olivia I had been purposefully trying to avoid you for a year because of exactly everything that has happened. I tried to avoid you because I didn't want to blurt out I was in love with you, I didn't want to kiss you and freak you out. It was better to just let things be than me do this! Better than me ruining our friendship."

"You haven't ruined our friendship and for the record I would have rather you kissed me than avoided me for a year!"

"You can't say things like that!"

"But I mean it! I would rather us fight about this, I would rather have an awkward moment than not have you in my life!"

"That's was kind of the conclusion I came to as well." I said giving in.

Olivia made a few steps closer to me.

"What do you mean?"

"After we had brunch, after having our first Martini Thursday in forever… I was happy to just have you back in my life. And I realized that I was much more miserable avoiding you than I was just not telling you I felt about you. "

"But then you kissed me?"

"You know… actually I'm starting to think that maybe avoiding was a better idea!"

She laughed a hardy laugh.

And I grinned.

For a moment I was so happy to be the butt of her sarcasm.

Olivia leaned down on the back of the couch near me.

I could tell there was something else she needed to say by the way she took her time.

She looked up at me, her eyes dark, now serious.

"I need you Alex."

I shook my head to just to tell her I understood.

I waited a moment and then leaned down on the back of the couch beside her.

"I'm right here." I said as she leaned in placing her head on my shoulder.

Liv, I'm right here.


	13. Chapter 13

13.

She fell asleep.

Her head resting on my thigh.

She didn't seem to mind my thumb brushing back and forth against her arm.

If anything she looked peaceful.

She had been sentenced to desk duty because of her two trips to the Emergency Room and her concussion.

She had also been sentenced to morning sickness.

She was tired.

I had texted her earlier that day after an email popped up in my personal email for a flight itinerary to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

I think we both had become really excited to go.

To get away from everything and as Olivia put it just let thing go for a couple of days.

I have to admit I had spent the last week worried about a lot of things.

Worried about Olivia going back to work and no one knowing she was pregnant. I even went as far as to suggest that maybe she tell Nick, that he could watch out for her, but Olivia hated the idea that he would now look at her as fragile and even as an incompetent partner.

She was being ridiculous.

Being ridiculous, but I understood how she felt. I would feel the same way.

The other thing that kept me tossing and turning at night for the last week was my confession that I was in love with her.

She took it well.

Too well.

Why she wasn't angry?

Why didn't she at least lay out her ground rules?

And now that she knew, what was I supposed to do? I'm in love with her. And I told her I would rather have her in my life that act on the way I feel about her, but it doesn't change the way I feel about her.

It doesn't change my thoughts about her.

I'm sitting here on her couch, my bare feet propped up on her coffee table in a pair of her pajama pants… She has her head lying on my thigh and I at this point have worked myself up thinking about the way her t-shirt is stretched across breast, and God she's taken off her bra and her nipples are…

Fuck Alex.

She's sleeping so peacefully and all I want to do is trace my fingers under that t-shirt and across her hips and slip my hand inside of pants…

Oh God! I need to get up. I need to go for a run, or take a cold shower or something. I have to get away from her.

I lied, I can't do this.

I shifted slightly certain I could feel how wet I had become just thinking about her.

I was trying to remember what she tasted like when I kissed her, the way her lips felt…

Soft, they were so soft.

What was I going to do?

I was going to ruin this.

I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would ruin this.

And it was all for selfish reasons because, she needed me.

She said she needed me.

I caught her eyes fluttering open.

She looked up at me and smiled.

"I fell asleep," she said stretching.

"You were tired." I said sympathetically.

I swept her hair across her forehead.

"Was I asleep long?"

"For about an hour."

"I promise I'll be more fun in Mexico, I wont fall asleep on you." Olivia smiled lazily.

I absentmindedly continued to play with her hair.

"The whole point of the trip is to relax. And you can fall asleep on the beach or by the pool…"

"Sounds so good."

I smiled, happy to spend a lazy Friday evening here, with her.

"Your cheek is looking better." I said brushing my thumb gently over her cheekbone.

"Not as scary?"

"I'm not sure if I would have ever thought it was scary, it definitely doesn't look as painful."

"Well Cragen's not letting off desk duty or even letting me talk to victims until I don't look like one myself."

"Well you can't tell me it's not been so bad having a little time to chill out this week?"

"Throwing up, paper work and eating peanut butter crackers."

"What?" I asked looking down at her.

"That's all I've done all week."

"No the peanut butter crackers part?"

Olivia snickered.

"By Wednesday morning I had figured out that if I eat peanut butter crackers, I can keep my nausea at a tolerable level. I am now on a regiment."

"Ahh I see." I said smiling.

"Rollins is suspicious."

"Suspicious that you've become addicted crackers?" I joked.

Olivia rolled her eyes before sitting up.

"Tuesday morning I barely made it to the bathroom, puking my guts out before Amanda came in checking on me."

"You won't be able to hide it forever."

"I know… but I at least want to wait a while. At least until I get my head wrapped around it. Then I'll tell Cragen…"

"Liv they're your family. They care about you, they love you."

"They're also way over protective! Nick will be following every move I make, Fin and Amanda will volunteer to take my cases and Cragen will let them."

"So you'll have someone to cover you, someone that will make it easier." I reasoned.

"I don't want it to be easier!"

"Liv, honey you're pregnant! At some point you're going to have to give in. You're going to have to allow someone else to do the job. And what happens if some asshole decides to come out of nowhere and punch you so hard it knocks you out?"

"What are the chances that happens twice?" She said sarcastically.

I looked at her unamused.

"Alex! I was kidding."

I just looked at her.

"Liv…" I said seriously. "Tell me you want this baby."

She looked at me stunned.

I couldn't blame her, I was sort of stunned I said it myself, but at this point she hadn't really given me any indication that she even wanted this baby.

"Alex."

"Say it! Just say it out loud."

"Alex! What are you talking about!"

I turned towards her.

"Tell me you want this baby. Tell me a baby is the only thing you have ever asked for in your life and you finally have the chance, it being the fairytale or not… Tell me you want this baby."

Olivia's mouth hung open, her eyes pulling away from mine.

I shook my head in disbelief.

She couldn't say it.

Why couldn't she say it?

"Olivia?"

"Of course I want this baby. Of course I do… I just…"

"Liv?"

I watched as she ran her pointer finger against her thumbnail, fidgeting.

I could hear her let out a breath.

"I used to think about what it would feel like to be pregnant. And every time I would think about it would end up scaring me. But after time I told myself more than once that if I accidentally got pregnant I would consider it a blessing… that it would be my chance because the conventional, cookie cutter life wasn't panning out for me. Then I got older and I filled out adoption papers because I had gone at life alone so far, so I convinced myself I could raise a child alone and give that child all the love I had saved up, all the love I didn't have to give someone else…" Olivia pulled her knees up to her chest. "Now… I just thought my chance was over. I never got pregnant, I was turned down for adoption… I had given up. I let it all go. I was fine being Detective Olivia Benson, no kids, never married..."

"So now?" I asked hanging on every word.

"One minute I feel like I should be down on my knees thanking God for my chance and the next minute I feel like this might be some cruel joke and like everything else, everyone else it will be taken away from me."

"So you don't want to get attached?"

"Just the uncertainty is so…"

Olivia stopped herself.

"Liv, you can't think that way. I know this has turned your life upside down, but you've wanted a baby for a long time. Be thankful for your gift and take care of your gift… everything will be ok. You and this baby will be ok."

"And what about Brian?" Olivia said looking to me, obviously he had been on her mind since she found out she was pregnant.

"Have you tried to contact him?"

"No… I mean they won't risk his cover because his ex-girlfriend wants to talk to him. I mean this baby could be born before I see him again."

"Do you want him in the baby's life?"

"It's his choice if he wants to be father to this baby. I never had a father and I would never deliberately take that away from my own kid."

"And if he wants nothing to do with the baby?"

"Then I go at it alone."

I looked at her over exaggeratingly clearing my throat.

"I mean I won't go at it alone at all. The baby and I have you of course!"

I smiled. "Thank you."

Olivia grinned.

"So what if Cassidy comes back and he has this notion of you guys being a family?" I ask almost nervously.

"That's not going to happen. Brian and I worked in so many ways because of convenience, because we understood what we both needed. But having this neat little family together… it's not us. We're not those people together. We're not the white picket fence type. Besides he has his job, going under cover, living that life means more to him than…" Olivia paused, "more to him than me. And besides I would rather just accept whatever Brian chooses his roll in this baby's life to be than have these grand expectations and me be let down."

I looked at Olivia, putting my hand at her knee.

I was listening, I was dissecting and debating.

She had been working it all out in her head the last week. She had been compartmentalizing her life and her feelings.

She had worked it out where she could take care of herself, the baby and guard her heart.

So very Olivia.

"So you've worked this all out, but even with the baby doesn't your happiness matter?"

Olivia gave me a small smile.

I knew that meant her happiness wasn't a priority.

I bit my bottom lip, making circles with my finger on her knee.

"Liv, don't you think you deserve someone better?"

Olivia leaned to me and I wrapped my arms around her.

She seemed to settle in my arms.

"Yeah… I know I deserve someone better."

I pressed my lips in to her hair not caring how intimate.

"I'm glad we talked about the baby"

She shook her slightly, "yeah me too."

You could hear relief in her voice.

"Want to get take-out? I know you have no food, which we need to work on!"

Olivia sat up, looking at me, rolling her eyes.

"I'll get the menus!"

I grinned watching her as she left me there on the couch.

As she left me there hoping I could be her someone better.


	14. Chapter 14

**This one might be a bit fluffy, but I needed some Mexico set up. Onward! **

**Oh! And your reviews are sooo good! Thank you so much for your insight and thoughtfulness! -M**

Ch. 14

Looking over the pages of my book, I sat under a large umbrella, watching her.

She was standing at the edge of the ocean in a black bikini.

Her bare feet, brightly colored toes, hair haphazardly pulled in to a knot on the top of her head.

She looked like a vacation.

Mexico.

Finally.

She stood there on the waters edge letting the waves pool around her ankles.

There was a moment I swore I could see it.

A moment where she let go.

She physically unclenched her fists, and let go.

I watched her walk deeper in to the ocean, letting her now unclenched fists float on top of the water.

She looked peaceful and happy.

A wave crashed in to her and she stumbled catching herself, surprised like a child.

She turned to me, laughing.

I laughed.

"Hey! Be careful!" I yelled out to her.

She just grinned.

Olivia made her way back to the beach, to me.

"Amazing." She said sitting down in the lounge chair beside me.

"Isn't it perfect?"

"Just when you think you're partial to looking at the Hudson River." She joked.

I laughed.

"This is definitely a change of scenery!"

Olivia lay down in the lounge chair next to me.

Her skin wet, glistening in the sun.

Olivia looked over at me.

"You look like princess over there."

"What do you mean?"

"This umbrella, the hat, the sunglasses…"

"Look bathing beauty! I burn easily! You're out there soaking up the sun and I'm trying to shield myself from that raging ball of fire!"

Olivia laughed a hearty laugh.

She then placed her forearm against mine.

"I like the way our skin contrasts." She said almost as if she were lost in thought.

I looked at her and gave her a shy smile.

Why did she say that?

Why did she let her arm touch mine and say that?

Why did she have to be so beautiful?

I pushed my nose back in to my book.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you reading, _What To Expect When Expecting?"_

I put the book down and looked over to Olivia.

"Well I'm not going to let you Google your way through this pregnancy."

"Google is very informal." She teased.

I looked at her rolling my eyes as I smiled.

"You know I have to know all the details I can. You know I have to research, and organize..."

Olivia shook her head.

"I know, I know!"

I went back to my book as she began digging in my bag.

"What are you looking for?"

"Suntan lotion?"

"It's in there."

"Ah found it." She said holding the bottle up like a prize.

I pretended to read as she began to rub the suntan lotion up and down her legs and arms... across her chest and on to her still smooth, flat stomach.

I shifted in my chair.

I wanted to make her stop.

I had to stop her.

Stop her from touching her own skin.

She swirled the lotion across her shoulders, pulling her bathing suit straps down. She reached for her back.

"Let me?" I said before I could catch the words falling out of my mouth.

I motioned for her to hand me the suntan lotion and I scooted towards her.

She sat up turning her back to me.

Her skin was warm in contrast to the cool lotion.

I rubbed the lotion across her shoulder blades and on to the muscles on her back… I wondered how they stayed so defined.

I remember she was a swimmer in college, but now…

I smoothed the lotion down her spine, the curve of her sides to wear her bikini bottom sat on her hips and then back up again with the palms of my hands pressing in to her skin.

I'm not sure if I had taken one single breath from the moment my hands laid on her skin for fear this wasn't real or that she would stop me.

Then I watched her head fall slightly back as if she were reveling in the way I was touching her.

I caught myself chewing on my bottom lip because God, I couldn't stop touching her.

I ran my hands down her spine once again, the suntan lotion already soaked in to her skin.

Craving.

Craving.

"There you go." I said finally having to give in.

"Oh…' she said with pause, "thanks." She took a look back at me almost shyly and then lay down in her lounge chair.

I lay back down beside her, we both were silent.

I couldn't help but wonder if she had felt something? If she had caught herself enjoying the way I touched her?

If the way she reacted had caught her off guard.

Or was it all in my imagination?

"May I get you ladies a drink?"

Olivia and I both lowered our sunglasses to a partially dressed man standing above us.

"Margarita? A daiquiri? Pina Colada?" He suggested.

Olivia nodded to me and grinned.

"I'll have a strawberry daiquiri." I spoke up, then looking to Olivia.

"Um, I'll have a virgin Pina Colada." She said with a polite smile.

He nodded, and let us know he would have our drinks to us right away.

He walked away and we both let out a cheeky laugh.

"Our very own Cabana Boy." I teased.

"Wonder if he thinks pregnant women are sexy?" Olivia joked.

"You in that bikini, being pregnant never crossed his mind!"

Olivia laughed.

"Right! Like he could take his eyes off of you anyway!"

And I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"That's so not true!" I laughed.

"Yes! He definitely was not starring at a long legged blonde in a tiny green bikini! Alex! He was only looking at you!" She said still laughing.

Did she look at me?

Moments later our Cabana Boy came back with our drinks interrupting our laughter.

"I could get used to this," I said taking a sip of my drink.

Olivia grinned.

"Definitely!" She said, ready to take her first sip of her drink. "Oh God."

"What?" I asked, worried.

"Throw up… This is going to make me throw up!"

I grabbed the drink from her hand getting it as far away from her as I could.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'll be fine. It's just you never know what will hit you…"

Olivia lay back down, her hands resting on her stomach.

I wish I could have instantly made her feel better.

We both lay there quietly for a while. I kept reading and I was sure Olivia had nodded off.

She had been so tired and tried to fight every moment of it especially since we had left New York.

"So what have you learned from that book?" Olivia mumbled.

I looked over at her with a grin.

"Nothing you can't Google!" I cracked.

Olivia raised her sunglasses looking at me.

"Ha ha."

"Did you know that the baby is around the size of an olive?"

"An olive huh?"

"And it's beginning to develop muscles…. and those boobs of yours…"

"Are huge!" she joked.

They were.

"And tender?"

"God yes!"

"All normal."

"Urgh." She said scrunching her face.

"Does it say in there how long before I start showing?

"It says 12 to 16 weeks."

I could tell she was thinking.

"So I have a few weeks…"

"Olivia you have to at least tell Cragen when we get back."

She didn't argue. "I know."

"But?"

Olivia sat up.

"At first it was just getting over the initial shock of it all, but now I kind of just enjoy that only you and I know… Once everyone knows, everything changes."

"But everyone will be so happy for you."

"Yeah I know…" She said almost somber.

"Liv, we talked about this…"

"It's good… Really it is. It's more about just feeling like I have this time where I don't have to answer anyone's questions."

"Questions?"

"About the baby, about Brian… about what I'm going to do next."

"You don't have to tell them anything Liv. They care about you, they love you, but it's your life."

"Maybe I just feel like they won't like my answers…"

"Um I think Nick will be overjoyed that you are not hunting Cassidy down to tell him he's the baby daddy."

"Did you just say, "baby daddy?" Olivia asked laughing.

"What! I did!" I said laughing with her. "Is that not cool?"

"No, no, just not something I thought I would ever hear coming from your mouth!"

I laughed again.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we get lunch now? I'm starving!"

"Shall we look for our Cabana boy? Or are you ready to go inside?"

"We can go inside, I wouldn't want for your delicate self get too much sun."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm having a great time in Mexico."

She looked at me with that Olivia Benson smile that most never even saw.

"Yeah me too, especially because you're here with me."


	15. Chapter 15

15.

Two days in Mexico and Olivia and I both had let go.

I had never laughed as much, and truthfully I'm not sure I had ever been so emotionally intimate with anyone as I had been with Olivia in the last two days.

Olivia and I had spent last night and well in to the morning laughing and even shedding a few tears talking about our mothers, and our careers, and about feeling alone and everything we wanted…

Everything we wanted…

I had known Olivia for over a decade and considered her my best friend for more than half of that, but sitting on the balcony of our hotel suite I learned things about her, and she learned things about me that we had both kept buried for a long time.

And I was more in love with her than ever.

That next night we had gone to dinner, the moon was full and we decided to take the beach back towards our hotel.

"Let's go there!" Olivia said directing my attention to where the music was coming from.

I stopped walking looking at the beach bar strung with festive colored lights, that was alive with a crowd dancing to a live a band.

"Are you sure? You're not tired?"

"I took a nap today on the beach. I'm fine! Let's go and have a good time!"

I looked at Olivia, smiling at her enthusiasm.

"Yeah let's go! I agreed.

Olivia grabbed my hand pulling me up the beach.

When we arrived at the bar it was loud enough that Olivia leaned in against my ear to talk to me.

The feel of her sun kissed skinned radiated against me.

"Are you going to get a drink?"

"No, no… or I could get is some mineral water? Lime?"

"Alex you can drink. Have fun!"

"I don't want to, you can't…"

"Have some tequila for me!

I grinned nodding as Olivia took it upon herself and ordered shot of Patron for me.

"Get me a beer too!"

Olivia laughed and ordered a beer to go along with my shot.

1 tequila shot down and a beer in my hand.

"If I didn't know any better I think you were trying to get me drunk!" I grinned.

"No, I just want you to have a great time… I'll look after you." Olivia said grabbing my free hand once again. "Let's go dance!"

I followed her out on the dance floor and I quickly got lost in her energy, as did the people around her.

She was beautiful and laughing and so contagious.

I watched her dance in perfect sync to the music.

She turned around looking at me, pulling me towards her and then spinning me around.

I laughed.

The crowd was having a great time and so was I.

The song ended and the band rolled in to another song this time slower.

I looked at her suddenly nervous.

"Um you want something to drink?" I asked her.

"No… I still want to dance. Want to dance with me?"

I could have dropped my beer bottle from lack of any of my extremities be able to function.

"Alex?"

"Yeah. I would love to dance with you."

Her hands went to my hips.

What was she doing?

I could feel her fingers through the sheerness of my shirt.

I swayed with her.

And then she did it. She pressed her body against mine.

Tightly against mine.

Swaying to the music.

My hand slid to the small of her back

The heat of her skin.

The heat of her skin.

I felt her cheek brush up against mine and then her breath on the lobe of my ear.

Chills ran down my spine despite the summer heat and her.

Her lips drug ever so slightly against my jaw line.

The music had stopped, though I wasn't sure when it had.

I pulled back looking at her as the band started again.

"I'm going to the bathroom, you keep dancing." She said letting me go.

What?

I kept looking at her.

"Ok… are you ok?" I asked completely confused by everything that had just happened.

"Baby," she mouthed placing her hand on her stomach, before telling me she would be right back.

I smiled as she headed towards the bathroom leaving me on the dance floor.

I turned and headed for the bar.

Tequila shot number 2.

I sat down on the bar stool trying to gather a thought in my head.

"You only drinking Tequila?"

I turned around to see a long dark haired woman standing behind me.

"Um no, just cooling off from dancing." I said politely.

"I saw you dancing out there… can I get you a beer or maybe another shot?"

"Um I'm fine, thanks.

"Oh come on let me buy a beautiful woman a drink, on me. A Corona? Sol?"

I looked around for Olivia.

"Sol." I said as I felt her lean in closer to me.

"Carina," she said holding out her hand.

"Alex," I said shaking her hand.

Olivia made her way from the bathroom looking around.

She caught the sight of Alex sitting at the bar with the dark haired woman.

She took a step back and watched them.

She watched as the woman drew closer to Alex, she watched as she touched her suddenly.

Olivia made her way to Alex's other side at the bar.

"Liv." I said, relieved to see her again.

"I didn't mean to interrupt"

"No, no you're not." I said, my eyes widening to her.

"No, I was just telling your girlfriend how hot she was." Carina said slyly.

I look at Olivia just in time to see her raise her brow.

"She is hot, isn't she?"

What.

Did Olivia Benson just say what I thought she said?

Has she lost her mind?

Did she think this was funny?

A game?

Olivia placed her hand possessively around my waste and we both watched as Carina took a step back.

"It was nice to meet you Alex."

"Yeah, thanks for the beer." I said as Carina slithered away.

I turned to Olivia, her hand still at my waist.

"Can we get some air?"

"Yeah, sure," she said following me outside and back on to the beach.

I kept walking towards the ocean, separating us from the crowd and the music.

"You didn't have to do that." I said biting nervously at my lip.

"She was all over you." Olivia grinned.

"You think this is funny?"

The smile disappeared from Olivia's face.

"No, I guess… I guess I just got a little territorial. The way she was touching you… I…" Olivia stopped herself.

I took my eyes from Olivia looking to the moon illuminating a path on the water.

"Liv… What are you doing?"

I turned back to her when she didn't answer.

She was digging her toes in the sand.

Her brightly colored toes in the sand.

"What do you mean?

I looked at her.

"I can't do this. I can't flirt with you, dance so close to you, let you touch me… I can't do it."

"Alex, I asked you to dance, I was touching you."

"Why? You can't do that to me! Don't you understand that I'm in love with you? You can't let me think you feel something for me… because I will…" I stopped myself.

"Because you will what?"

"Olivia."

"You'll what kiss me again?"

I shook my head, "Olivia… why are you doing this? Why are you purposefully tempting me when you know, you know that I…"

When Olivia tugged at my forearm I stopped talking.

Olivia leaned in, pulling me against her and kissed me.

"Olivia."

"Alex. Shut up." she said before she kissed me again.

This time I did shut up and I reciprocated.

For the first time our tongues twisting and tasting.

What was I doing?

What was I do… Why were her lips so soft? Why did she taste so good? Why couldn't I stop?

"But you… don't feel…" I protested.

Olivia looked at me, her eyes dark, "you don't know how I feel."

Oh fuck.

"Liv, you know I want this, but you don't really…

"Alex, Alex…" she said, her thumbs brushing my skin above the waist of my pants. "I know what I want."

She leaned in kissing me again, dragging my bottom lip between her teeth as a she pulled away.

"And I want to go back to the hotel."


	16. Chapter 16

16.

Wanting her had never been easy.

Wanting her had been a form of torturing myself, but now it had become a second skin.

Every day that I was with her was just another day of wanting her.

So standing on the beach, Olivia kissing me, telling me she wanted me, she wanted to go back to the hotel…

I was done protesting.

My body was done, my mind was done.

I wanted her so much that the thought of kissing her, touching her, doing everything I had wanted so badly to do to her, overwhelmed my senses, clouded my brain.

My judgment.

By the time the door to our hotel suite clicked shut her mouth was on mine and her body was pressed in to me against the hotel room wall.

I could feel her every curve, feel her breasts pressed in to mine, feel her… God it felt so good to feel her.

She kissed me and I kissed her back.

I couldn't get enough and she wanted more.

We kissed.

We kissed.

My tongue darting in and out of her mouth.

Kisses that were hungry and reckless, but also so in sync to a perfect rhythm.

My lips were made for hers.

My tongue was made to taste her and I wanted so badly to taste every inch of her.

We pulled away, both looking at each other intensely.

Both trying to catch our breath, standing there in only a moonlit hotel suit.

Olivia leaned in and began to kiss me again.

This time her mouth made its way down my jaw line, down my neck and I was certain I had never been more wet.

She was a spell.

She was a cure all.

She was Olivia.

She reached for the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head, giving her access to my breasts.

My lace covered breasts immediately filling the palms of her hands.

I moaned at her touch.

I moaned at the way she pressed her palms in to my mounds as her lips traced the peeks of my breast above the lace.

I wanted to touch her, I needed to touch her.

I reached behind her, running my hands up the back of her thighs under her dress.

My hands, feeling the silk of her panties as I grabbed her ass.

I had wet dreams over just having her amazing ass in my hands this way.

I squeezed her, pulling her closer to me.

Her mouth was now dragging across my collar bone and sending chills down my spine.

I could tell she was lost in the way I was touching her.

I couldn't control myself.

I didn't want to control myself.

And she certainly didn't seem to mind the lack of control.

She parted her legs letting my thigh and my hand slip between her legs. I swiped my fingers across the silk feeling how soaked her panties were.

I let out the anticipated breath.

God, to make her this wet…

I felt her fingers drag down my arm, stopping at the button on my pants.

She had the button undone and pulling my zipper down, never breaking her lips from my skin.

She stopped kissing me, looking at me as removed my hand from her soaked panties and let her push my pants to the floor.

"Fuck," she breathed, grinning, as she looked me up and down.

I let her look.

Take me in.

It was only fair as I had seen her in her bra and panties before and trust me the image had never left my head.

"Liv?" her name fell from my mouth.

"Fuck me, please," she begged.

The ways she was looking at me, they way she began to bite her bottom lip, her eyes still so dark.

I had only imagined what she would look like in this moment.

I backed her in to the room and up against the table. With her cotton dress bunched around her hips, she leaned back on to the table, spreading her legs further apart

I took one hand bracing her thigh and with the other hand I ran my finger down her neck, down the V of her dress, running my over the peeks of her breasts.

I could feel her heart pounding.

My hand was pressed against her heart.

Beating.

Beating.

I was standing there between her thighs, looking in to her eyes, her sweet scent now permeating my own skin.

I wanted to be with her so badly, make love to her, show her how in love I was with her… suddenly I couldn't just fuck her against a hotel room wall or on a table.

Yes she was hot and she was sexy and so perfect.

I was in love with her and this was not how I saw finally getting to be with her.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck.

I was coming to my senses.

"Liv…" I leaned in kissing her and she reciprocated. "Liv… wait." I said pulling away again.

I removed my hand from her bare thigh, but I still held my fingers, my palm at her chest, at her heart.

She leaned back further looking at me.

Her hair tussled; falling from it's simple up do.

I was sobering, coming to my senses and the thousand thoughts and questions in my head and she saw in my eyes.

"Alex, don't you want… I thought you wanted…" She said looking at me.

She looked confused, she looked dejected.

"Liv, I want you more than you'll ever know." I pleaded.

"So why did you stop?"

"Because I can't do this. I can't let it be like this. I'm so in love with you and I can't just let my first time with you be a quick fuck. I can't."

Olivia nodded, leaning forward, closing her legs.

"Olivia."

"I… Alex, I just need a minute to… " She slid off the table, pulling her dress down. "Let's just call it a night ok?"

Her voice was just above a whisper.

Tears had welled up in my eyes.

"Liv please, please tell me you understand."

"Yeah… yeah I understand."

She turned from me leaving me there.

I heard the door to her bedroom click shut.

And tears fell down my cheeks.

Wanting her had never been easy.


	17. Chapter 17

17.

In the next 24 hours…

I sat starring at her closed door for the longest time.

Sitting there in the dark, the only thing I heard were my thoughts, not one move from her.

I hadn't bothered to even put my shirt back on, to button my pants, even though my body had long cooled off. I just sat there hoping she would walk out that bedroom door and tell me how she understood.

I just wanted to make sure she understood

Understood why I stopped, understood that I stopped because I loved her and I wanted to show her just how much I loved her.

Unsure of how long I had actually been sitting there, I gave in and went to bed hoping the morning would bring clarity.

The early morning, only a few hours later however, brought sounds of her throwing up.

By the time I reached the bathroom, she was dry heaving in to the toilet.

"Liv," I said, my knees finding the floor beside her. I brushed her disheveled hair away from her face. "Liv, honey are you ok?"

She nodded, as one last wave on nauseous came over her.

Of course I panicked a bit as I watched her struggle as her body seem to revolt against her, but she assured me that she was okay.

I helped her lean against the bathroom wall, the cool tiles at both of our back as I sat down on the floor with her.

She shivered and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly against me.

She was still in the underwear I remembered so vividly from earlier and she was wearing a familiar t-shirt that seemed to have made it from my house to hers.

I pressed my lips to the side of her head, still holding her.

"This sucks." She said finally, not realizing that she had pressed the palm of my hand against her stomach, holding it there adamantly as if I were holding her and the baby together.

She looked so tired, and despite my encouragement to get back in bed, she didn't want to move for fear she would be sick again.

So I stayed right there with her.

One arm around her shoulders, one hand placed at her stomach.

Holding everyone together.

"That t-shirt looks familiar," I said trying to lighten the mood and if anything distract her from her misery.

"It's my favorite, I sleep in it almost every night."

I caught myself smiling in to her hair.

It wasn't long before she and I both had dosed off there in the bathroom floor.

By 6AM I had awoke again and convinced her it was ok to move.

I got her in to bed and she buried herself in to me and under the covers.

And I was justified.

Stopping.

Telling her I couldn't just fuck her, when I wanted to make love to her was completely justified.

Lying there with her, her head on my shoulder, her arms wrapped securely around my waist I knew I had done the right thing.

The rest of the morning had gone smoothly.

We were back on the plane to New York with no mention of last night.

This was how Olivia played everything.

Keep to yourself, build your wall, pretend every thing is ok.

And everything will be ok.

Besides, the early morning sickness was a good distraction.

By the time we had arrived to her apartment she and I both were exhausted. I insisted on helping with her bags up to her apartment, refusing to let her lug her bags up the steps.

When we got inside her apartment Olivia sat down on the couch leaving her things and me by the door.

"Sorry." She said looking up at me.

"Don't be sorry, you've had a long day."

"Come sit. You have too."

I smiled, literally plopping down beside her on the couch.

"I had a great time." I said suddenly feeling awkward with the silence.

"Yeah me too. It was nice to get away."

"It was."

I shuffled on the couch, creating an inch of space between us.

"So… " I said preparing myself for the question I was about to ask. "What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico?"

Olivia let out a nervous breathy laugh.

I looked at her as she took time to calculate her response.

"I was in the moment." She said, and I held my breath. "I got caught up in kissing you, wanting to be with you…"

"So was I..." I agreed as I watched her hands run nervously across her knees.

"Alex I did want you…" She said, yet to look at me. "But I understand why you wanted us to stop. I mean I understood last night, but I was…" Olivia stopped herself letting out a small laugh. "I was there. You know I was in the moment and I…"

"Yeah me too, me too…" I said giving a shy smile.

God did I understand.

The moment.

Olivia and I both were startled by the sound of Olivia's phone ringing.

She then looked at me.

"Are you going to get that?" I asked.

She shook her head no, "I would rather talk."

I was relieved she wanted to talk, relieved she didn't answer the phone.

Relieved she wasn't building her wall.

"Liv, I have to be honest." I said, feeling it was ok to reach for her hand at her knee. She slid her hand easily in to mine. "Liv, you are so beautiful and so sexy… and last night when you started to kiss me, when you said you wanted me, I wanted to be with you so badly." I said, as I let another shy laugh. "And Liv," I said boldly, "I am not above fucking you against a wall or on a kitchen table or wherever else, but not last night, not the first time that I could finally show you how in love I am with you."

She was blushing; she even gave me a slight smile.

"Liv, you know you're not just some person, some woman I have a little crush on and…"

Olivia's phone rang again interrupting us.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut.

"Get it, it must be important." I said giving in.

Olivia made a deep sign, letting go of my hand. She got up, searching for her phone.

"Benson… I just got home… Where's Rollins... No, yes I understand… I'll be there as soon as I can."

I watched her hang up the phone and look back at me already apologizing.

"Don't tell me you're being called in?"

She nodded, already walking back to her bedroom to change her clothes, I followed.

"It's a little girl… she saw her mother being raped."

I winced as I watched Olivia pull off her shirt and quickly find another to put on.

"Are you sure you're up for this? Liv, you're tired."

"I'll be fine. I promise." She said stopping long enough to assure me.

She quickly changed the rest of her clothes looking more like Detective Olivia Benson.

"Alex…" She said, standing in front of me, looking me in the eyes. "I'm not dodging our conversation. I do want to talk about last night, I want to talk about what's going on between us."

I shook my head ok then followed her again back in to the living room.

"Can I call you when I'm done?"

"Yeah." I said trying not to give her a disappointed smile.

"Will you lock up?"

"Yeah, yeah I've got it."

She turned to leave.

"Liv?"

She looked back at me.

"Just be careful ok?"

She nodded ok, leaving me behind.


	18. Chapter 18

**I wasn't satisfied where I left the last chapter so my brain wouldn't shut off until I wrote this! -M**

18.

That afternoon I had left her apartment feeling empty.

I wasn't sure why.

Maybe it was simply because she had left me there to go and try and save the world when there was still so much for us to say to each other?

Maybe it's because she said she had wanted to be with last night and my body still ached for her?

But I felt empty, without her.

By the time I got back to my apartment I truly was exhausted and I couldn't imagine how she felt.

But there was no time for sleep or even a power nap when you were a super hero.

Even if you were a pregnant one.

It was passed midnight when I was awoken by a knock at my door. I had gotten a text from her hours earlier saying she was fine, but I had heard nothing since. With another light knock on the door I hoped it was her.

I looked through the peephole to see her standing there.

I quickly opened the door…

"I'm sorry I woke you up." She said softly, looking at me apologetically.

"No, no I'm happy to see you." I said with a sleepy smile.

I held out my hand and she took it, allowing me to pull her inside of my apartment.

"Are you just leaving the station?"

She shook her head, "long night."

"Have you slept at all?"

"Here and there." She admitted.

"Liv, that's not good for you or the baby. You know you need some rest, you need to tell Cragen and… "

Olivia leaned in to me, placing one hand at my hip, the other at the base of my neck, and began to kiss me heatedly.

I pulled away just far enough, but refusing to let my lips completely separate from hers.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I whispered against her lips.

"I know I like kissing you, being with you. And I came to you tonight because I want to be with you..."

I looked at her, holding her glare, holding her stance, holding her.

I kissed her once again, reveling in the sweet taste of her mouth, the softness of her lips…

"Come with me." I said taking her by the hand and she followed me back to my bedroom never questioning what was about to happen.

I stood in front of her, the small reading lamp only illuminating my side of the bed.

I undid her belt and unbuttoned her pants pushing them down her thighs, making sure my hands, my palms touched her skin. I pulled her shirt over her head leaving her in her bra and panties. I left her standing there to get her a t-shirt to sleep in.

She grabbed my arm, stopping me.

I look at her dark eyes, glimmering against the light of the lamp.

"You need to rest," I reminded.

"I don't want to sleep yet." She said tugging at the bottom of my t-shirt.

She left me standing as she laid down in my bed where I had been lying before.

She lay down and I saw her eyes close as she relished in the feeling of my sheets against her skin, as her body finally relaxed.

She opened her eyes, looking up at me, catching me watching her.

She reached around undoing her bra.

I watched as she pulled it away revealing her bare breast to me.

I was salivating, and an ache pulsated through my body as I watched her touch herself.

She then spread her legs further apart intentionally to welcome me.

I leaned down on the bed, never taking my eyes from her, from her body.

I couldn't even if I wanted to.

I settled on my knees between her legs.

I ran my hands up her smooth, tan legs, up the inside of her thighs, stopping before I reached her panties, her center.

I hovered over her capturing her lips once again.

We kissed softly, but still with hunger.

She reached for my shirt, pulling it over my head.

She looked at me with a devilish smile before her hands went to my breasts, palming them in to her hands.

I grinned, honestly never feeling so sexy in my life.

I began to kiss her down her jaw line, her neck, her body.

I promised myself then and there to never take for granted having her body against my lips.

She let out a breathy moan as I captured her right nipple in to my mouth. I kissed and licked and sucked gently, knowing how sensitive her amazing breast had been.

I gave the same attention to her left breast reveling in all that I had fantasized about.

I kissed further down.

Her belly button, her abdomen.

I swirled my fingers lovingly across her stomach, giving lingering kisses.

I felt her hand at the back of my head and I looked up at her.

Olivia had tears in her eyes watching me.

She looked away from me and I gave her stomach one last reverent kiss before reaching for her cheek, for her eyes. I gave her an assuring smile before we were lost in each other's kiss again.

I lay down beside her and for a moment we were lying there in silence, facing each other.

Olivia ran the tips of her fingers gently down my bare arm sending chills down the rest of my body.

"You're so beautiful." She said her voice barely above a whisper.

I smiled and hoped she couldn't see me blush at the compliment.

Her finger continued to roam over my body, tracing my curves, my muscles, my bones.

I mimicked her touch, as I couldn't stand one minute longer not touching her.

"You're so sleepy." I said with a soft smile, knowing she was fighting it, knowing the way I was touching her, kissing her, was soothing her.

"I can't sleep, I don't want this to stop. I want to be with you."

"I want to help you rest and when you wake up in the morning I'll be right here next to you."

She nodded her head agreeing, her eyes fluttering.

I ran my finger across her lips and she then watched as I drug my fingers in a straight line from her lips to the waist of her panties.

I looked at her one last time for assurance and when I did she kissed me so softly, then bit down on her bottom lip with anticipation.

May hand slid further down.

She was soaked.

Her panties, her outer lips already so wet.

I grinned at her for how wet she was.

Her eyes hooked on me, she didn't blush or shy away… She was confident and this time assuring me.

I leaned in placing soft kisses on her skin as my fingers slipped between her folds.

I heard her breath hitch, her body tense and her hand went to my arm just above where it disappeared in to her panties.

"I want to make you feel so good, so you can relax, so you can sleep. Let me make you feel so good." I whispered in to her ear.

She looked down at my hand, my fingers moving slowly against her clit.

I looped my thigh over hers, assuring her legs would stay spread open for me.

I watched as her eyes closed and her head fall back on to the pillow.

Slowly, rhythmically, I kept my pace.

I felt her hand grip my arm a bit harder and I knew I would make her come soon.

I listen to her breath as I placed kisses one by one down her neck, across her collarbone, the sides of her breast.

I could feel her body tighten, feel her thigh tremble under my own.

She moaned with each breath.

I let her come slowly, not pushing, just letting her ride the waves of pleasure running through her body.

When I knew she had enough, I pulled my fingers from her.

"You can sleep, I'm right here." I said, pushing her hair from face, kissing shoulder.

She pressed her body in to me, her naked skin melded in to mine.

"'I'm so in love with you." Was all she said in to the dimly lit room, before she had done as I had wished and fallen asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

19.

She was lying in my bed.

I lay there as she slept memorizing parts of her naked body as if I were in fear she would wake in regret and leave my bed.

Not being able to withstand not touching her any longer I trailed the tips of my fingers lightly between her shoulder blades, outlining the muscles on her back.

She stirred, taking in a deep slow breath.

She lazily opened her eyes to me.

She smiled.

I felt a sort of relief when she smiled.

"Good morning," I whispered with my own smile.

The morning felt so good.

I was unabashedly lying there bare chested next to her.

"Good morning," she said turning to me, not caring either about her own nakedness.

My mind had stopped racing.

She was there with me.

"It wasn't a dream." She said looking at me, reaching to touch me.

"I told you I would be right here when you woke up."

Olivia smiled again before she leaned in kissing me.

No it wasn't a dream.

I pulled her closer to me, my hands tangling in her dark hair as her hands began to roam. My erect nipples now between her fingers as we continued to kiss.

She and I both pulled away to catch our breath.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked somewhat devilishly, knowing how I had lulled her to sleep.

"I slept so good, you have the magic touch," she grinned.

She leaned up looking over me to the clock on the bedside table.

"You're going to be late for work." She said almost pouting.

I reached for her, pulling her back against me.

"I called in sick."

"The day after vacation you called in sick?"

"I think something happened in Mexico that has made me unable to get out of bed," I said, grinning sheepishly.

"Oh really!" Olivia said laughing.

"I knew you would have the day off after working so late, I couldn't bear to leave you here in my bed alone."

"That would be no good." Olivia teased.

"Do you feel ok this morning?" I asked knowing how sick she had woke up the morning before.

"I feel amazing." Olivia said as she climbed on top of me, kissing me before moving down my neck. "And I want to thank you for last night."

No it wasn't a dream.

I grinned. "You were fighting sleep, I did what I had to do." I said playfully.

"Oh really." Olivia said as she nibbled at my shoulder.

She continued to kiss me, my breasts in each of her hands as she kneaded them, holding my glare the whole time.

Her tongue circled my nipples, before she splayed more kisses beneath my breasts.

She kissed downward; she dragged her own breasts against my stomach as she went further down.

Chills down my spine, my panties soaked as the simplest gestures.

God, this woman was incredible, this woman was worth every moment of torment.

Having Olivia Benson about to go down on me was worth it all and I would go through it all again.

Olivia ran her hands up the back of my thighs, she then reached, hooking her fingers the waste of my panties, she teased, kissing my hip bones, kissing my lower abdomen, as she was about to slide my panties down further there was a knock at the door.

"Oh fuck!" I said, it slipping out of my mouth.

Olivia looked up at me.

"It's breakfast, I ordered breakfast." I said regretting every minute of that decision.

I sat up, leaving Olivia now on all fours at the bottom of the bed.

"I'm so sorry!" I said leaning down to kiss her.

She sat up and I searched for my robe.

"No, you stay in bed. I'll be right back." I said, now looking back at her.

I left my bedroom, hoping that she would listen.

I came back, with a large paper bag, two small coffees and two freshly squeezed orange juices.

"Alex!" She said as I sat everything down and handed her a coffee.

A bit disappointed I noticed she had thrown on a t-shirt I had been wearing the night before.

"We just got back, there's no food in the fridge. You need breakfast and God knows what you ate for dinner last night!"

Olivia smiled at me giving in.

"Thank you… So what you got in that bag over there."

I reached for the paper bag pulling out the containers. "Fruit and bagels and you also have an orange juice over here that you need to drink!"

Instead of protesting Olivia leaned in kissing my cheek.

"What no fighting me on drinking the juice?"

"No, thank you. It was really sweet of you to order breakfast. And I couldn't be happier having breakfast in bed with you."

I grinned.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked, trying to be somewhat nonchalant, stuffing a piece of bagel in my mouth.

"Tell me what?"

"Last night, before you fell asleep… you told me you were in love with me."

"I am in love with you." Olivia said as if she had said it a million times.

"Olivia!"

She grinned devilishly.

"And when did you decide this?"

"Somewhere between you confessing you were in love with me and the day I met you."

"What!"

"Alex, I've always had a thing for you. I mean not that I had ever planned to act on it, but yeah… I mean I think we've always had this undeniable chemistry between us. And you're also incredibly sexy, and beautiful and brilliant…"

"But you're straight? Oh fuck what am I saying I thought I was straight until I finally admitted I was so in love with you I couldn't live on the same side of the city as you for fear I would touch you inappropriately."

Olivia laughed heartily.

"It's not funny! Do you know how painful that was?"

"Maybe you should have not hidden yourself away on the other side of the city, maybe you should have come over and tried to touch me inappropriately." Olivia grinned devilishly.

"I don't believe this." I said shaking my head.

"Alex, being with you these last couple of weeks has been amazing. And maybe you telling me you are in love with me put me on the fast track, but I really do love being with you, and I like the way you make feel. I mean it just feels right. Lying in your arms, having you beside me, having my best friend beside me. Being right here in your bed… it feels right."

"But I just, I can't believe that all…"

Olivia leaned pressing her finger to my lips.

"When Cassidy left me, you said everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant, you said everything would be ok. Guess what? It's been better than ok," she said, then kissing me softly. "I've got enough things to worry about, having you in my life, you telling me you're in love with me, you still insisting you want to be with a pregnant woman for some weird crazy reason… Alex, I feel so lucky and so loved."

I leaned in kissing her, forgetting about the bagel in my lap.

"All I want is to make you feel that way, everyday."

Olivia smiled as I reached for her, my palm cupping her jaw.

I slid my thumb across her cheek and then she kissed the palm of my hand.

"Alex, I'm just afraid…"

"Of what?"

"You deserve to be happy, you deserve someone that can give you everything you want and I'm not I can do that. I don't have the greatest…"

"Liv," I said interrupting her. "If I haven't made it clear enough I think you're that person..."

"Don't you think I'm too complicated? Is it really worth having to deal with me, with where I am in my life?"

"Yes, yes you are worth it. Every single thing, every single part, every piece of you is worth it."

I just don't want you to regret falling in love with me. I don't ever want to be the person you regret, I need you too much in my life for that."

"Liv, I've spent the last year, hell over the last decade having feelings for you. Whether it was our friendship or something more I will never regret being apart of your life. You make me happy. And these last couple of weeks I'm happier than I remember ever being…"

"Alex everything in my life is so turned upside down, it feels so scary… I'm pregnant Alex."

"Yeah, I know." I said with an understanding smile. "But I'm still here. I want to be right here, with you."

"It doesn't scare you?"

"Only for all the reasons in scares you."

"You're in love with me even with this baby?"

"More than I could ever tell you."

Olivia looked at me.

"I'm not sure I deserve you."

"And I'm not sure I deserve you." I said with a reassuring smile.

It took a moment, but the sides of Olivia's mouth curved upwards.

She looked at me then traced her fingers down the open front of my robe reaching for the tie still tied loosely around my waste.

She leaned in to me capturing my lips as I fell against the pillows.

Olivia then cleared the bed, banishing what was left of breakfast to the bedside table.

She slid her body between my open, welcoming legs, pressing her core against mine.

She kissed me diligently and with hunger.

She sat back on her heels looking at me, at my body and I welcomed her eyes.

I slid my arms from my robe and pushed it aside letting it land where it may.

I reached for her t-shirt pulling over her head, anticipating the sight of her plentiful breast once again.

She quickly reached for the waste of my panties, not allowing any interruptions she pulled them quickly down my thighs and past my ankles and toes.

I spread my legs for her and let her see my already glistening center.

I watched her slowly lick her lips.

"I've thought about tasting you." She said, her voice low.

My breath hitched at her confession.

"I wondered how wet you would be, what you would taste like, your scent." She said, just as she leaned in hovering over my open legs, taking me in. The last thing I could vividly remember is her tongue darting from her mouth and in between my folds and I could n longer control anything I said or did.

Her dark eyes looked up and me, her hands reached for mine, intertwining our fingers as she began to rhythmically lick me back and forth.

Back and forth.

My clit swollen, by body raging, she was relentless and focused and I knew she wanted me to come.

Her hair in my hands, her face buried between my legs, her mouth sucking and licking relentlessly…

God this woman!

I felt my first tremor and I wanted more.

And she gave me more.

"Oliiiiviaa" I breathed, "Oh God, please." I begged.

I pressed the back of her head against my pussy and she never waivered the way her tongue moved and her mouth worked.

I shattered against her.

My hips bucking against her face and she didn't stop.

She wasn't done and I wasn't done.

My breath unsteady, pleasure and pain shot through me.

Sweet, perfect pain.

As I came down, she sucked my clit one last time, sending one last jolt through my body.

"Oh my God." Was all I could say as I rested on my elbows, looking down at the sexy, incredible woman.

Olivia grinned at me, satisfied with her work.

"Where did you learn to do that?" I asked spent.

"Well you're not the first woman I've ever been with." Olivia said as she looked up at me, raising her brow.

I froze at her confession.

"Jesus," I said, before my head once again hit the pillow behind me.


	20. Chapter 20

20.

I had barely seen her in the past week.

I had been swamped with work and it seemed when I had a moment for lunch or might make it home for a late dinner she was headed out the door on a case or buried under her own paperwork.

By the time Friday afternoon came we were both so tired and could only make each other promises to fall asleep in each other's arms and not at out desks.

My phone lit up with a text at a quarter after 6.

"Leaving here hopefully in a few. May go home to soak in tub. Any idea when you'll be out of there?"

"Hopefully not too much longer. Go to my place, my bathtub's bigger ;)" I responded grinning to myself.

"Won't argue w/ that! But have to come home and get in tub w/ me. :)"

"Now I'm distracted."

"Good!"

I smiled again.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

Of course I got home later than I wanted to.

"Liv!"

"Tub!"

I made my way towards my bathroom leaving a trail of my bag and my shoes at the door.

I grinned looking at her lying there in my tub.

She looked relaxed.

Her damp hair was piled on top of her head, her face fresh from the day's make-up.

She looked so natural, so breathtaking.

I walked in, "hi there" I said leaning in to her, placing my hands at her cheeks as I kissed her.

I had pulled away and her eyes were still opening slowly.

"I missed those lips." She said with a smile.

"There is a whole lot of you I missed." I said giving her naked, sudsy breasts a once over as I grinned.

I pulled off my suit jacket.

"I really am sorry I'm so late."

"I know, and I understand." She said leaning back in to her spot in the tub. "But if you're not naked and in this tub with me as soon as you can get that little skirt, which you look amazing in by the way off, I will not be so understanding."

"Yes ma'am" I said as I un-tucked my shirt and began the process of unbuttoning each button letting Olivia watch as I undressed.

I had learned that she loved to watch me undress.

Shirt gone, I slid the zipper of my skirt down slowly shimmying the tight pencil skirt passed my thighs.

I undid my bra and slid my panties down, leaving them in a puddle on the floor.

I stood in front of her naked and I could tell I was getting wet just by the look on her face.

"Front or back?" She asked me.

"Front. I want you to hold me." I said taking her hand as she helped me in to the warm water.

Heaven.

Right here, between her legs, against her, heaven.

Olivia reached, soothing my hair back, "I'm sorry you had such a hard week." She said, splaying kisses against my shoulder.

"Coming home to you in this tub naked, my week just got better."

Olivia kissed my neck this time as she wrapped her arms around me, holding me as I requested.

I intertwined my fingers with hers, securing myself in her arms.

"So everything ok with you today?" I asked lazily.

"I told everyone today."

I turned my head, looking at her.

"Oh I didn't know you had planned on telling them today."

"I had no intentions of doing so, it just kind of happened. It of course has been on my brain since I found out I was pregnant, but after you and I talked about it again the other night, I don't know I guess I finally got the nerve to tell them."

"And?"

"And they were happy for me. And I think Cragen was concerned about me. And of course I'm sure it sent him in a tailspin of thinking how he was going to replace me."

"He's not going to replace you!"

"Well at some point he'll have to. Can't exactly chase down perps at 8 months pregnant."

"I guess it goes without saying I'm relieved you told them?"

"I knew you would be." She said with a smile.

"What about Nick? Did he ask who the father was?"

"He didn't ask, but he assumes its Cassidy's."

"He hates Cassidy more than I do!"

"Well this is true… I thought about telling them this was your baby. That way I could kill two birds and let them know I was with you as well. But then I wasn't sure how well that joke would have gone over. "

"Ha yeah… Oh you all remember Alex, yeah after years of pent up frustrations she and I have been sleeping together for weeks." I joked.

"Fin would probably say he saw it coming!"

Olivia and I both laughed at the thought.

She leaned in resting her mouth against my shoulder.

Quietly leaving us both to out thoughts.

"You ok?" I asked. "I know it was a big step telling everyone."

"Yeah, a bit of relief actually."

I didn't push the conversation farther.

I ran my fingers up and down the inside of her knees.

"You're tired." She said as my body seemed to sink further in to hers.

"Tired, but happy. I've missed just having time to be with you."

"Want to get in bed?"

I grinned.

"Um hmm." I said as I slowly began to sit up.

I felt her wet fingers run down my spine. She then stood up, and I watched as she got out first. I was still so absolutely mesmerized by the shape of her body and the perfection of her skin.

I too got out of the tub and it wasn't until she turned sideways that I noticed.

"Liv?"

"Hmm?

I reached for her slightly protruding stomach.

"When did this happen?" I asked, my palms caressing her.

She looked down at my hands on her stomach.

"I swear I woke up on Wednesday and I couldn't button my pants." She said somewhat jokingly. "I guess that's why I told everyone too. I'm not sure I can hide it much longer."

I hadn't realized I was standing there for as long as I was with my hands against her tiny belly; she began to stroke my wet hair, just letting me hold her.

"Liv," I said softly. I can't believe I haven't noticed before tonight."

"You get easily distracted by my boobs Alex." Olivia teased.

"Ha, ha." I said rolling my eyes. "I just mean I have personally made it a habit to try and see you naked every day and this week I've been so busy, and I missed it."

"It's just a little bump." Olivia excused. "And it just happened. You didn't need me calling you tell you my pants are too tight."

"It just feels so real, so different than I thought it would seeing your body change just this little bit."

Olivia leaned in kissing me softly not once but twice.

"Come to bed with me," she whispered in to my ear, taking my hand to follow her.

Neither of us bothering with clothes I followed her bed.

We said nothing for the longest time, as I nibbled at her shoulder and traced her body with my fingertips as if I were memorizing the shape of her new body.

When my fingers where back at her belly, Olivia pressed my palm against her.

She didn't say anything and I placed my cheek at her shoulder.

We both had a million thoughts.

It wasn't until I felt a slight shutter in her shoulder that I looked up at her.

She was crying.

"Liv?" I said leaning up on my elbow, my hand leaving her belly to wipe the tears that had slid down the sides of her cheeks. "Liv, honey what's wrong?"

"You're right, it makes it all so real."

I shook my head understanding.

"So real, and so scary and so exciting." I said my hand now back at her belly and stealing a kiss from her lips.

"Alex."

"Hmm?" I said my eyes, never leaving hers.

Tears fell from her eyes again.

She couldn't stop them.

"Hey, talk to me."

She took a deep breath before she sat up, leaving my arms.

I watched her as she pulled her knees to her chest.

I sat up, facing her, waiting for what was to come.

"Hey," I said making her look to me.

"Do you want this baby?" She asked, he voice cracking with nerves.

I looked at Olivia a bit stunned.

"I mean…" She continued. "I know we've talked about being together even though I'm pregnant and if that's all there is, I can be ok with that. I mean I don't expect anything else from you, but it's getting harder…"

"What's getting harder?"

"You and me, being pregnant... you holding me, you being excited that I'm showing, you being apart of this pregnancy and not being…"

I pulled her knees from her not allowing to close herself off from me.

"Do you want me to be apart of this baby's life?" I asked seriously.

"I think that's just as much your decision as it is mine."

"I have to be honest, I've felt like it's the only grey area between us. I mean I feel like I know where I stand with you, but I didn't want to over step my boundaries with the baby just because, because the baby's not mine."

"Alex I'm giving you the option to be in this baby's life, whatever role you want to have. I can't change the fact that Cassidy is the father of this baby, or what role he will play, but he's not in my life, you are. And even if it is too soon for us to be even having this conversation I have to think about things long term..."

I looked at Olivia not jumping to answer her because I realized this was the biggest decision of my life. This wasn't law school, or moving to New York. This wasn't falling in love or getting married. This was child. A person I would be responsible for, that would rely on me for the rest of my life.

"Alex… it's ok. You don't have to tell me now or you don't have to tell me anything at all. I know it's a lot to ask someone…"

"I want this baby." I blurted.

Olivia looked at me.

The game changer.

"Are you sure?"

"I never thought I would have children. I thought my career would give me everything I needed and if it didn't, maybe a relationship would come along that would fulfill that personal space. But Liv, you turned my life upside down the moment I felt whatever the hell it was that made me ache inside at the thought of you. You changed my life, you've changed the rules of the game. I've never been in love with someone, I have never loved someone, the way that I love you so being able to be apart of a child's life that is a part of you… Having someone else to love that is a part of you… I want to have this baby with you so much."

Olivia leaned in to me kissing me as I wrapped my legs around her, pulling her so close our cores pressed in to each other.

Electricity ran through us as we kissed passionately with want and comfort.

With my heart racing I pressed my forehead against hers, and I said the only thing I knew to say, the only thing that made perfect sense to how I felt at that moment, "I love you."

I saw the smile that appeared on her face as she never hesitated.

"I love you too."


	21. Chapter 21

21.

"You look incredible." I said wrapping my arms around her.

"Alex, are you sure?" She asked as she stood in front of the mirror.

"You look beautiful, and so sexy in that dress." I said kissing her neck, knowing that would drive her crazy.

Olivia laughed. "Alex."

Olivia had been to social functions with me before.

But she had never been to a social function with me as my pregnant girlfriend.

I had convinced her to go to a benefit for the Women of Congo, and I had convinced her to wear a dress that left no guessing to the size of her growing baby bump.

"Liv! Look at yourself! You look amazing in this dress! Every curve of your body is stunning." I said my hand running across her stomach.

"I think you're a bit biased."

"And I think you're crazy if you can see how incredible you look in that dress."

Olivia turned from the mirror looking at me, her hands at my hips.

"This doesn't make you a little nervous?"

"What? Does what make me nervous?"

"I don't know… us, tonight… These people they all run in a different circle than I do, and I don't think they expect Alexandra Cabot to show up with her girlfriend, or more so her pregnant girlfriend."

"Olivia, I don't care what "they" expect of me. I love you. I am with you. And I am the luckiest woman in the world because you're with me. I proud to have you by my side, to tell everyone who you are to me…"

"But don't you fear just a little that it will overshadow all of your hard work you do for the Women of Congo?"

"If they care more about my personal life, and who I'm sleeping with more than the meaning behind this benefit, we have more problems than just nosey benefactors."

"Alex… what if someone you know asks about the baby?"

"Liv, I don't want you to be nervous or uncomfortable tonight. And just so you know, I'm not. I have a really beautiful girlfriend, who is intelligent, and funny, and caring, and accomplished… and she also happens to be carrying a baby that I am head over heels in love with. I've never been happier. If someone asks me about the baby, I'm going to tell them how elated I am, how in love I am."

Olivia smiled as she shook her head agreeing.

"I love you," she said giving me a quick kiss.

I smiled.

"I love you," I said emphatically. "And tell me you're ok with going tonight, and with everything we just talked about."

"I'm ok."

I leaned in kissing her, softly, assuring her.

Olivia leaned in, her breath on the lobe of my ear. "You should get dressed. If you keep standing there in your lacy little bra and panties we won't be making it to the benefit."

I pulled away in time to see her raise her brow mischievously.

Jesus I couldn't stop wanting her if my life depended on it.

She grinned, walking away from me.

She knew what she did to me.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

"Hey babe, are you ready? The car is here." I heard her call from the living room.

I came around the corner looking at her.

"What?"

"Did you just call me babe?"

Babe - a term for ones lover.

"Did I?

"You just said, '"babe are you ready"?"

"You don't like me calling you that?"

"No, I love that you call me that it's just, you've never called me that."

Olivia grinned.

"BABE, are you ready?" She said amused with herself.

I rolled my eyes at her.

"I am ready BABE." I said with my own grin. "I just need to get my bag off the bed for tonight." I said as I hurried back in to the bedroom.

One night at my place, another at hers…

When I met her back at the door to leave, she reached for my hand, intertwining her fingers with mine as we rushed for the elevator.

Inside the elevator she and I stood side by side, the length of our heels aligning us almost perfectly.

"You're beautiful." She said pulling my hand to her full lips. "You're perfect."

"Now who's biased?" I grinned.

I held Olivia's hand from the moment we arrived, knowing this wasn't were she was most comfortable, knowing she was here for me.

Before we stepped out of the car I assured her that I just needed to say hello to a couple of people, we'll have dinner, maybe a dance.

"I'm fine. I promise," she assured me again with a smile.

Just as I had said, I spoke to a few people, we had dinner and then my plan to have a chance to dance with Olivia was only impeded by the Mayor's wife.

"Alexandra!"

"Maggie! How are you?" I asked giving her a quick hug… "Maggie, this is my girlfriend, Detective Olivia Benson."

"Oh… so nice to meet you Olivia." Maggie said without skipping a beat.

I watched as Olivia smile her infectious smile, shaking the mayor's wife's hand.

"Ah Detective? What division are you with?"

Always the hardest question to answer.

"Special Victims." Olivia answered politely.

"Oh that must be so hard."

"It is." Olivia didn't elaborate further, though she responded with elegance.

"So Alex, not only did I not know you and Olivia were together, but I didn't know you were expecting a baby!"

"We're excited." Olivia said speaking up as she squeezed my hand.

I smiled proudly to Olivia.

"Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?"

"We haven't found out yet." I spoke up, "but you know all we want is a healthy baby."

"Of course!" Maggie said smiling.

"Maggie if you don't mind, I was hoping I could get Olivia out on the dance floor."

"Of course, you two have a great time. Olivia is was so nice to meet you and Alex it was great to see you. Please keep me updated on the baby."

Olivia and I both smiled saying goodbye to Maggie before I led her in to the crowd out on the dance floor.

"She was nice." Olivia said as she placed one hand loosely around my neck, the other at my waist.

"Maggie is great."

"I love that you call the mayor's wife by her first name, her nickname at that."

"Well Maggie actually had been friends with my mother forever. It was just a coincidence that their husbands were both in to politics."

"She seemed genuinely happy to meet me, to find out about the baby." Olivia said still surprised.

"Truthfully I wasn't quite sure how she would react, but as I told you earlier, I'm proud of you and happy to be with you, so whatever her reaction I would have handled it. But I think she also knows I have always made pretty well calculated decisions in my life and I happen to have pretty high standards…"

"High standards huh?"

"We Cabot's are partial to having the best. And you, Olivia Benson are the best."

"Your father doesn't even know about us. What would he think if Maggie gets back to him and says, oh I saw Alexandra and her girlfriend and congrats on the grandchild."

"My father is in Europe probably with some woman more than half his age. If he would like to discuss my life choices I think I'm feeling pretty good about my arguments."

"What do you think your mother would think?" I asked.

"I think she would have no problem with me being with a woman, she may even be thrilled. I think she would only have disdain for the fact that the baby is not biologically yours and it took a man to conceive."

"God we grew up so differently." I said laughing as we swayed back and forth.

"Alex, if I didn't tell you tonight. I've had a great time."

"I told you it wouldn't be too bad! And thank you again for coming with me, for being by my side."

"I feel pretty damn lucky being by your side."

"I think maybe we should head home, I'm finding it really hard not to touch you inappropriately right now."

Olivia laughed and agreed.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

My hands at hips, I was kissing Olivia's neck from behind.

I had moved her dark silky hair to the side, nibbling at her ear.

"Alex stop it! I can't concentrate to even get the key in door with you doing that!"

"Doing what?" I asked undeterred

Olivia finally got the door to her apartment open. As we made our way in, my hands immediately went to her breast that had been teasing me all night.

She pressed her self in to me before taking another step for us to actually close the door behind us.

I felt Olivia freeze.

I looked up, from my face buried in her neck to see him sitting on the couch as stunned to see us as we were to see him.

His eyes glared at the both of us and then fell to Olivia's protruding stomach.

There was no hiding now, no hiding anything.


	22. Chapter 22

**Awesome reviews guys thank you so much! Gave me some great perspective and some great ideas ;) -M**

22.

I'm not sure what exactly was going on in Olivia's head at that moment, but I'm pretty sure it was a lot like what was going through mine.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"Surprise." He said, with no inflection in his voice.

Fuck!

"Brian." Olivia said, her voice sounding un-amused.

"Olivia." He said before he looked over to address me, "Alex."

I felt my fingers press involuntarily in to the back side of her hip.

Maybe to reassure her I was there.

"What are you doing here? Olivia asked him.

"I thought I would surprise you, looks like you're the one with all the surprises."

I watched Olivia run her hands nervously through her hair, before she walked forward, leaving me standing there, my hand falling to my side.

Brian stood up from the couch.

"That my baby?" He said alluding to her protruding belly.

I watched as Olivia shook her head yes.

I guess it was too soon to bring up how I had fallen in love with that baby and had every intention of being a part of it's life.

"When were you going to tell me? Were you going to tell me?"

"You haven't exactly been available." She snapped back.

"You're pregnant with my baby Olivia!"

"I'm sorry, when you left me you didn't leave a number for me to get in touch with you!"

"Well I guess it was perfect I was gone, it seems you've had no problem letting Alex step right in!"

"You left me, you broke up with me! I'm allowed to move on!"

"With Alex?!"

Olivia took a deep breath.

"Yes WITH Alex."

"I can't believe this! I can't believe you walk in the door, this is how I find out you're pregnant and her hands are on your tits ready to fuck you!"

"Brian I'm not sure if you've noticed you're in MY apartment uninvited. I'm allowed to do whatever I want with who ever I want in my apartment! I'm sorry you found out I was pregnant this way, but you have no right to judge or be angry because of Alex and I are together."

"How long have you been together?"

"What?"

"How long have you been fucking her?"

"What does that have to do with anything?

"Just wondering how long it took you to run to her? To start sleeping with her?

"Are you missing the part where you left me?"

"You're pregnant with my baby!"

"And so what? I become celibate? I sit at home and wait, hope you come back, hope you want this baby and to be a happy little family? Hope you wont leave again for a stupid job!"

Cassidy's with hands on his hips began to pace in the small space he was allowed.

"And Brian just so you know I'm not just FUCKING Alex, I'm in love with Alex!"

Brian looked over to me, as I still stood behind Olivia.

"Great, that's just great! I guess you just stepped right up. Ready to be what the other mommy?"

Yes.

"Well you weren't around so…" I punched.

He gave a breathy laugh.

"Just fucking great!"

"Brian…"

"Olivia, forgive me. I had good intentions for coming to see you, to see how you were, to tell you I missed you… to apologize… "

"You couldn't have called me? Maybe have a second thought that you may be interrupting my life?"

"Obviously I am interrupting your life. The one you have with Alex and my baby!"

"Can we all just calm down? I said after letting them go at it a few rounds.

"No, I don't think I can calm down! I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant…"

"Your EX-GIRLFRIEND!" Olivia interjected.

"My EX-girlfriend is pregnant and she's with YOU…"

"You laid this out! I didn't know I was pregnant when you left. LEFT me!

"Cassidy!" I said getting his attention.

Brian walked closer to Olivia and I found myself walking closer to him.

I had forgotten how big he was.

Forgotten his stature, the size of his frame.

"Can we talk?" He asked her as he tried to calm himself. "Privately," he said looking to me.

"Sit." Olivia said not backing down from him.

Olivia wasn't one to back down… ever.

Brian turned, sitting back down on the couch.

No matter how angry he was, he knew who he was dealing with.

Olivia turned back to me, her hand reaching out for my waist, pulling me back towards the door.

I didn't say anything; I only glared at Cassidy as I walked with her.

She closed her apartment door behind us as we stood out in the hallway.

She said nothing at first.

I watched as she bit at her bottom lip, her eyes unfocused.

"Liv." I said reaching for her, pulling her against me.

She came willingly to me.

She let out a nervous laugh.

"This is not exactly how I saw the evening going."

"Yeah," I said not being able to do anything but agree with her.

"I have to talk to him."

"He has to cool off before I leave you with him."

"He will… I mean I can't blame him, he just took in a whole lot."

"I know."

"Go home, get some rest. I'll call you later ok?"

Olivia leaned in kissing me and instead of letting her go I kissed her passionately.

"Alex, I love you... I LOVE YOU." She reassured me.

"I know… I love you too."

"We'll work this out. We knew this was coming."

I shook my head; we did know this was coming.

Not tonight, not like this, but we knew it was coming.

"Don't worry ok." Olivia leaned in kissing me again, this time pressing her body against mine, holding me against her, embracing me in no hurry.

When I finally pulled away, I looked at her with and assuring smile.

"Call me after you've talked, let me know you're ok."

So I'll know that I'm ok.

She reached squeezing my hand; we let go as she disappeared behind her apartment door.

I sat in the back of a cab headed towards my side of the city.

I held in more and more emotions with every passing street. I spoke politely to the cab driver, and to the doorman. I held it all in up the elevator and down the hall and the moment I could get my apartment door open and shut, tears flooded my eyes, streaming down my cheeks.

I couldn't stop the tears.

My shoes flung to the side, the dress she insisted I looked so beautiful in, disheveled, mascara running…

I was uncontrollably sobbing.

I wasn't sure if I was crying because I was angry or if I was crying because I was so scared.

I understood exactly how Cassidy felt.

We both had everything to loose and everything to gain.

My back still against my front door, I finally said it out loud…

"FUCK!"


	23. Chapter 23

23.

I reached for my phone lying on the floor beside me.

I had been sitting on the floor against the bed for, well I was unsure for how long.

I had cried and pulled myself together.

I had been irrational and rational.

I scolded myself for falling in love with Olivia and a baby that wasn't even mine, and then thanked God for making me feel the depth of love for them like I never had.

"Hello?" I said my voice catching.

"Hey babe."

Her voice somber.

"Hi babe." I said hoping she could hear the corner of my mouth turn upwards at the sound of her calling me by her new favorite pet name for me.

"You've been crying? She asked, though she could tell I had been.

I didn't answer right away.

I couldn't answer right away.

"I'm fine."

"Alex?"

"He's gone?" I asked clearing my throat.

"Yeah… he's gone."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

"Did he calm down?"

"He did, we talked…"

"And?" I asked anxiously.

"And he's going back undercover."

"Oh." I said surprised. "What about the baby?"

I heard her take a deep breath.

"He's a good man Alex, he wants to do the right thing… he says he wants to be in the baby's life."

"But you said he was going back undercover?" I mean not that I aching for him to be around, but he won't be here for you or for the baby if he's leaving."

"Well I was hoping you would be around for me and the baby."

I found myself digging my fingers in to the rug below me.

"Of course I'll be right here. But I don't understand the logic."

"I told him that it was just as much my fault and just as much as a surprise to me finding out I was pregnant... and that I had decided to keep the baby whether he wanted it or not. I know it's all a lot to take in and I know he's dealing with the shock of finding out I'm pregnant, finding out he's going to be a father… You know I had no intentions of cutting him out of the baby's life and I have to give him the opportunity to be the father he wants to be."

"So he just gets to swoop in when the baby is born, play daddy if and when it's convenient?"

"Maybe."

"You're going to let him off that easy?"

"Yeah, I am. Because he either is going to see this baby and want to be in the baby's life or just be that guy who happens to be the father. And as I told him, I decided to have this baby with or without him. Remember? You were there… As for me, I don't need him for Lamaze class or help paint a nursery…"

"You have me."

"I have you. This baby has you."

"You seem to have it all neat and tidy." I said, my fingers squeezing the muscles in my neck.

"Oh no it's a fucked up mess." Olivia deadpanned.

I let out a breathy laugh.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't cry."

I clenched my eyes shut.

"I was just… you know, worried I guess."

"This baby and I are a package deal and I have no intentions of not being with you, so that goes for this baby as well. You're in the deep end babe."

I smiled again.

"Liv you have to understand, I can't help but feel a bit like a third wheel." I said honestly.

"You are not a third wheel! Never, ever feel like you are a third wheel. I told him I've moved on with you, how much I love you, and that you would be a part of the baby's life too."

I was chewing on my bottom lip, listening intently.

"How did he take that?"

Me, being part of the baby's life?

"Well I didn't exactly give him a choice to like it or not. It is what it is, I love you."

"I don't want to fight with Cassidy over the baby, over you."

"Brian in our lives or not, I'm with you and so is this baby."

"Yeah… maybe I was just being silly."

"No, you are being human. This is a child we're talking about. But I'm not just letting whoever volunteers be apart of its life! I want you in the baby's life, I want to you to be a parent to this baby."

"And you know I want nothing more."

"I know baby, I know."

"It's been a long night." I said with a sigh.

"It has and I'm going to go to bed. I really wish I was with you tonight, but it was all I could do to muster to get these heels and this dress off." Olivia said with weariness in her voice.

"No I understand. I want you to rest. Mind if I bring you breakfast in the morning?"

"Blueberry scones?!" She said not missing a beat.

I laughed.

"Ok blueberry scones."

"Sleep tight and Alex, I love you."

"I love you too, sleep tight."

I hung up the phone, throwing it back down on the rug beside me.

I had a second where I wanted to call her back, tell her I was coming over, tell her I wanted to crawl in to bed with her, hold her, be with her and the baby.

I stopped myself.

Though my worries were consuming me, keeping me from lying down, I had to hope that she would be able to sleep.

The night had been long.

A night full of surprises and anger and worry.

I stood up, picking up my dress I had discarded on the bed.

I walked in my closet hanging up the dress and reaching for the small shopping bag I had hidden away at the top of the closet.

I sat down on the bed pulling the two onesies from the bag.

One a delicate pink.

One a delicate blue.

I had bought them on a whim.

One afternoon I had walked from my office for a bite to eat and found myself buying baby onesies, one in pink and one in blue, questioning what sizes to get and getting both colors because she didn't know… we didn't know if we are having a boy or a girl.

I held the onesies in each of my hands, then holding them up to my chest, against my heart.

I hadn't shown her I had bought them. I just hadn't had the chance… Maybe when we heard the heartbeat again or found out the sex of the baby…

I folded the onesies neatly, stacking them on top of each other and placing them back in the bag.

Tonight Olivia told me how much she loved me and she assured me this baby was just as much mine.

I didn't doubt her, and maybe it would all be ok, even if Brian did decide to be in the baby's life.

I laid down, turning out the lights.

I lay there in the dark reminding myself I had Olivia, and how much I loved her, how much she loved me.

And I reminded myself that we were having a baby and to really let it sink in that I was going to be a mother.


	24. Chapter 24

24.

She was lying there, one arm thrown above her head, the other resting on the side of her stomach.

I studied the size of her growing belly under the crisp white sheets that contrasted her naked skin.

She was so beautiful.

Looking at her, I was reminded that everything was worth it.

How I had wanted her, ached for her for so long.

She was worth it all.

That baby was worth it all.

I leaned down kissing her bare shoulder, and placed little kisses across her collarbone.

She stirred and I looked up to see the grin on her face as her eyes fluttered open.

Her arms reached for me and climbed on to the bed sitting beside her.

"Good morning," I whispered softly.

"Morning…" she said her grin growing wider on her face.

"I missed you last night." I confessed.

"Definitely not the same in bed without you." She agreed. "Get in bed with me now?"

I kicked off my shoes ready to crawl in bed next to her.

"Clothes off" she demanded, the grin appearing back on her face.

I reached for the hem of my cotton dress, pulling it over my head.

"Better? I questioned as she shook her head in approval.

I slipped under the covers, wrapping my arms around her naked body, the silk of my bra against her bare breasts.

"Did you sleep ok?" I asked.

"No." She answered honestly. "Did you?"

"No."

Under the sheets, I pressed the palm of my hand to her belly and she kissed the top of my head as she soothed my hair.

"Were you were worried about Cassidy?" I asked.

Olivia pulled back looking to me.

"No, I was worried about you. I couldn't sleep thinking about how worried you were, and that you had been crying. I made you cry."

"Liv, you didn't make me cry."

"Alex, you have doubt about your role in this baby's life."

I didn't say anything, I did.

Last night I did.

"Liv," I said, propping myself up, looking at her. "Last night was hard for everyone involved…"

She looked at me stopping my excuse. Her eyes had turned sad, concerned for me.

I sat up, composing myself.

"When I left here last night I was so scared." I admitted. "I didn't know when I left if I was going to loose you and this baby. Maybe I was being crazy, over thinking it all, but I feared Cassidy showing up, wanting to be in this baby's life, and easily being back in yours. All I could think of was there wouldn't be a place for me… Olivia, I love you and I love this baby so much so yes I was scared, I was doubting my place."

Olivia sat up facing me, leaving the sheet covering her to puddle around her.

"Alex, you have to believe me when I tell you how much I love you. And you have to believe how much I need you in my life and in this baby's life. Alex in the last few months you've given me everything. Everything I've never had, and everything I've ever needed, wanted… and I know you will give this baby everything."

"I want to give you everything, give this baby everything I have… I love you."

"Then please don't have any doubts," She pleaded with me. "Yes Brian and I made this baby, but you have been with us, loved us… you already are a parent to this baby."

I smiled, shaking my head.

I was listening, I believed her.

"Come here." Olivia said guiding me towards her lips.

We kissed, then we kissed more passionately.

"I want you." She said, running her fingers through my hair. "I love you and I want you."

I kissed her again and again.

"Promise me you'll always kiss me like that." I asked pulling away to look in to her eyes.

Olivia grinned.

"I'll kiss you like that, and I'll kiss you like this…" She said as she trailed kissed down my neck, pulling my bra strap from my shoulder and taking my right breast from the cup of my bra and dragging my nipple across her tongue, before sucking it between her lips.

I sucked in a deep breath as I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth.

I unlatched my bra giving her access to both of my breasts.

My head fell back reveling in her mouth, her hands on my breasts.

I felt her hands run down my stomach, gripping my hips, pulling me closer.

She wasted no time reaching for the waist of my panties, pulling them off my hips as I lifted myself from the bed letting her drag them down them down my legs.

I wrapped my legs around her.

I captured her lips once again and ran my hands down her inner thighs.

Without hesitation I pushed my fingers in to her wetness coating my fingers.

I watched as her body gave in to me.

She then looked at me, a glimmer in her eyes. She reached between my legs

sinking her fingers in to me.

We both moved our fingers against each other.

Finding out rhythm

Finding each other's sweet spot.

Wet, swollen, relentless.

I held my eyes to her, until I had to close them, lost in touching her, lost in her touching me.

"Come with me, please come with me!" I panted.

"God yes… Alex please!" She said as I felt her body stiffen.

My own body started to shake and I tried desperately to be sure she came with me.

Her fingers in my hair, my mouth biting down on her shoulder.

She came, and God did I come.

We pulled our hands from between each other's legs, letting our bodies fall against each other.

My body buzzed from her touch, as I felt her fingers run up and down my spine.

I cupped her jaw, kissing her.

I pulled away just enough to see the lazy gaze on her face.

I smiled, satisfied.

"I love you so much." I said.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Olivia smiled, stealing a kiss.

I brushed her hair from her shoulders.

"Hey, did you bring those scones you promised?"

I laughed. "Olivia!"

"Your baby has been craving a blueberry scone!"

"Well I can't have that now can I?" I said cupping my hands to the sides of her belly as I kissed her one last time before getting out of bed and searching for something to put on.

Olivia pulled the sheet against her and watched me pull my underwear back on.

I reached in the dresser drawer pulling out a white tank, sliding it on.

I turned to look at Olivia for her approval.

"Maybe you should come get back in bed with me." She said wide-eyed.

"My love and my baby needs a blueberry scone… Get dressed or don't, but meet me in the kitchen." I said leaning in to give her a quick kiss.

I had busied myself with making coffee and I very quickly forgot what I was talking to her in thin air about when she came in to the kitchen her hand on her stomach.

"What? Are you ok?" I said quickly leaving the coffee behind, making my way to her.

She grabbed my hand.

"I felt the baby, the baby kicked." She said pressing my palm in to her belly.

There was a moment, waiting…

Then I felt a kick against my hand.

I looked at Olivia, tears filling my eyes.

"Now you're making me cry."

Olivia smiled.


	25. Chapter 25

25.

You would think your life would change forever the moment you find out you're having a baby. Truthfully, I think the moment our lives really changed forever was that afternoon.

That afternoon we found out if we were having a boy or a girl.

Despite our endless talks lying in bed about our preference of having a baby boy or a baby girl, neither of us really cared about the sex of the baby.

Olivia and I had both found some sort of peace separately and together, with the opportunity to have a baby.

This might be the only chance to have all she had ever wanted, and all that I never knew I wanted.

A boy or girl, either, was given to us as a gift and would be meant to be.

We both wanted to know the sex of the baby.

We both of us were impatient, we both were planners, though I much more type A than her, we both wanted to know.

I could barely breath from anticipation, seeing that little being once again on the screen.

A steady heartbeat, 10 fingers and 10 toes…

A perfect being that I would do anything for, give everything to.

My feet now propped on the coffee table, we sat there lazily, my arms wrapped around her, her legs stretched across the couch. I stared along with her at the tiny image in the picture.

Of course it wasn't the first image of the baby that we had stared at, marveled at, but it was the first image of the little boy she would bring in to this world.

A little boy.

"I don't think I've ever been happier than I am right now." She said, as she reached for my arm, that was wrapped around her, just to hold on.

To hold on to me.

"I definitely couldn't be happier." I agreed, kissing the top of her head.

We sat in silence for the longest time. I could tell she was deep in thought as she looked at her little boy.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

I felt her take a deeper breath in and then out before she told me her thoughts.

"I can't help but think how would Brian might feel right now if he knew I was having a boy. I mean I feel like everything changed today for us. We know were having a son. Our lives changed today…"

"Honey, he made his choice to go back undercover, he made his choice to not be here during your pregnancy."

"Do you think he'll ever regret not being here while I'm pregnant?"

"I don't know." I said honestly. "I do know that he's missing things that I know I can never replace, that I will never take for granted being a part of…"

"I can't help but feel like I'm going to bring this little boy in to the world and I've created this situation where, 'hey your dad is coming over' or 'your dad is back in town and wants to see you'… What if I have put up a wall in front of Brian and I haven't really given him an opportunity to be a part of his son's life?"

"Olivia, he chose to go back under cover, he chose to leave again. He knew he would be missing all of these things… I do think it's admirable that you're worried and I think they are things to consider when it comes to a child having a relationship with their father. But you told him you weren't shutting him out, you told him he could have the relationship he wanted with this baby. And he said he wanted to be a part of this baby's life, but you haven't heard from since."

"I just want to do what's right for this baby, for you and even for Brian."

"Hey, I know you want to give this baby everything and as close to a perfect life as you can, but I'm afraid this conventional idea or this fantasy you have is out the window…"

"I just… I never had a father Alex."

"And I have a great father Olivia. But it hasn't made me better than you. Sure you didn't grow up in the healthiest of households, yes you've had to deal with who your father was…

"It made me feel less than though."

"Liv, listen to me. If anything this baby may have three great parents. And if he does only have two, you and I will be the best parents we can be and he is going to have a great life."

Olivia smiled.

"You always know just what to say."

"Not always, but it does come easy when I'm telling you how much I love you and how much I already love this little boy."

"Our little boy." She said the smile appearing back on her face.

I ran my hand over her belly.

"We're going to have a son." I said, my heart fluttering just at the words.

"It's a bit scary you know, we're halfway through this and he'll be here. He needs so many things that I haven't even began to think really think about!"

"I've been thinking about some things."

Olivia sat up, turning to look at me.

"Oh yeah? What have you been thinking about?"

"I've just been thinking about something that I hadn't quite had the nerve to ask you about yet."

Olivia looked at me.

"Alex, you know you can talk to me about anything! What it is it?"

"I know I just…"

"Alex?"

"What would you think about us getting a new apartment together?"

"What?"

I knew it was the last thing she thought I would ask.

"You live in a one bedroom, I live in a one bedroom, and we're on opposite sides of the city… We barely spend a night apart and when we do it's because of inconvenience. And when the baby comes I want to be there for the diaper changes and 2am feedings… and I want to be there with you."

"Wow you have been thinking about this."

"Have I scared the shit out of you?"

Olivia laughed.

"No, you haven't, but are you sure? That's a lot to take on. And I've never really lived with anyone, I've always lived by myself. What if you decide I'm a nut and you hate me?"

"I love everything about you, even when you're a nut!"

"You've really been thinking about this?"

"A lot lately."

"And you sure about this?"

"I'm sure about you and our son."

Olivia smiled.

"You don't think we're rushing in to this?"

"I won't lie, I first I questioned was I getting ahead of myself. But then I reminded myself how long I have loved you."

"Can I be honest?"

"Of course."

"You've become my everything and that scares me."

"It scares me a little that you are mine." I said as if to assure her feelings.

"I love you so much."

"And I love you so much," I said grinning.

I watched as Olivia looked around her apartment.

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"We're going to find a new apartment and both move before this baby comes?"

"I think that would be the plan."

Olivia took a deep breath then looked to me.

"Can we stay on the west side? I love the west side."

I smiled.

"We definitely can stay on the west side."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

Olivia shook her head and I leaned in kissing her.

Life was changing…


	26. Chapter 26

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and as always I appreciate your feedback for ideas! -M**

26.

"Maybe this was a bad idea."

"This could be the one!"

"Nice optimism!"

"Oh come on! It could be!" I said laughing. "And we've only looked at a few apartments. Don't give up yet!"

"We've seen a hundred."

"A hundred? Exaggerating just a bit don't you think?"

"I'm pregnant I get to exaggerate."

I pressed her hand, which I was holding to my lips as we kept walking.

"What about the one we saw on Tuesday? It was a huge apartment!"

"You mean the one that looked like it hadn't been updated since the mid eighties?"

"We could do a little remodeling."

"You're kidding right?"

I laughed again.

I was kidding.

"I did like the one in Tribeca?" Olivia said trying.

"It had no kitchen."

"Do we cook?"

"So the baby is going to order take-out?"

"If it's my baby he will!"

"Ha ha. Benson!"

"I thought it was kind of funny." She grinned.

"Ok… what about the one with the gym and the outside space? That would be nice."

"Too modern. Everything felt really sterile."

"I guess it did feel a little cold."

"See we're never going to find the right one before the baby comes!"

"Maybe this is the one! When the agent called she seemed really positive about this one." I said encouragingly as we walked up 8th Avenue.

"I just wonder if maybe we've taken on too much trying to find a place so quickly. I mean I just want it to be the right place; I want it to feel perfect for us."

"Honey we'll know it when we see it, and if looking for an apartment becomes to much, we'll hold off until after the baby comes. This is suppose to be something we're excited about, so if it's too much…"

Olivia shook her head agreeing.

"I love you." She said emphatically, "and I'll tough it out."

"I love you too and no you will not tough it out. Not while you're pregnant with that baby!" I teased pointing to her belly.

We crossed the next block.

"And we're here." I said as Olivia and I both looked up at the building before the doorman greeted us.

I continued to hold her hand tight as we went inside.

Maybe this would be the one.

"An open mind!" I reminded as we stood on the elevator up.

"This kid I'm carting around really wants to find an apartment! Trust me I have an open mind!

I grinned, placing my hand at her every growing belly.

"We're trying baby boy to find you a home."

Olivia gave me a quick kiss and as the doors of the elevator opened, I marveled at how beautiful she was.

"Hi Olivia, Alex."

We had come to know our agent well in the last couple of weeks.

"As I told you over the phone, I think you guys may really like this one. It just came on the market and I made a quick walk through before you got here." She said opening the apartment door for us.

We walked in to the open space our heels clicking against the hardwood floors.

"Two bedrooms, two bath, ample living space, generous closet space. And Alex I think you will like the kitchen." She said with a smile.

"Wow this is a great kitchen." I said looking around.

"All updated appliances, great counter space."

We went through the rest of the apartment ending up in the second bedroom.

"It has great light." Olivia said looking out the window.

"And as you can see you're very close to the park." The agent said.

I walked up next to Olivia looking outside to the view over looking Central Park.

"I will leave you two alone to chat or to look around further." The agent said looking to me as I turned to acknowledge her.

I smiled an all-knowing smile.

I waited until I heard the front door close.

"Well what do you think?"

Olivia looked at me, and then took a few steps, looking around the bright and sunny room.

"Does it seem perfect?" She asked.

"It seems pretty perfect."

"His crib could go right here."

I smiled.

"Perfect spot."

"And it really does have great closet space. And the master has a tub just as big as yours now…"

"I would hate to have to give up the tub."

"And the kitchen..."

"Is great." I agreed.

Olivia was quiet as she walked in to the hallway and in to the empty living room.

"Alex can you see us here?"

It was my turn to think.

My turn to envision our lives here.

Raising our baby here, Sunday afternoons, making love to her here, growing with her here, all the possibilities of what our lives could bring.

I walked up behind her, putting my chin on her shoulder.

"Yeah… I think I can see us here."

"I feel like this is it. I feel like I can see us here…

I made my way in front of her, looking in to her eyes.

She grinned.

I leaned in kissing her, taking a moment to savor her lips, savor the feel of my hands on her hips.

"Now it feels right." I said as I pulled away grinning.

Olivia smiled at me with her perfect smile.

"You know you do look pretty sexy standing here in this living room." She said, her brow raised.

"How did I look in the bedroom? Bathroom? Kitchen? Sexy?" I joked.

Olivia laughed.

"Incredibly sexy in the bedroom, unbelievably sexy in the bathroom, tantalizingly sexy in the kitchen…

"Very good answer Benson!"

Olivia reached for my hand and we made our way out of the apartment just as I had held her hand on the way in.

We had found our home.


	27. Chapter 27

27.

"Liv I got another box to put my shoes in!" I said making my way back to my closet.

She was sitting where I had left her on the floor of my closet, but I came back to tears in her eyes.

"Honey what is it?"

She was holding the blue and pink onesies that I had left in a shopping bag.

I gave her a shy smile as I made my way down to the floor beside her.

"I didn't know at the time if we were having a boy or girl." I explained.

"How long have you had these?" She asked as I wiped away a stray tear.

"About two weeks after we found out you were pregnant. I just couldn't resist."

"He could wear it when we bring him home from the hospital." She said now holding up the baby blue onesie.

"I would love that." I said as I grinned.

Olivia put them both back in the bag for safekeeping.

"I guess we can give the pink one away." I said watching her.

"I think we should keep it. You know just in case."

"Just in case what?" I said looking at her a bit stunned. "We ever have a girl?"

"Yeah, I mean maybe… It's not out of the question… is it?"

I leaned in giving Olivia a quick kiss.

"Well we should get this one in the world first, but no, I don't think it's out of the question."

Olivia smiled.

"Speaking of someone coming in to the world!" Olivia said looking down at her large belly.

"6 weeks to go!" I said excitedly.

"Thank goodness! AND a week before we get into our apartment! And that is not going to happen unless we get your ungodly amount of underwear packed!"

"You've never seemed to mind my extensive underwear collection before." I teased.

"Um you have never worn these for me!" Olivia said holding up a skimpy red thong.

"Does it count if I've had naughty thoughts about you in them?"

Olivia grinned forgivingly.

"I love these on you." Olivia said holding up the black lace. "I love the way your ass looks when you wear these."

"Olivia Benson seems you have a bit of an underwear fetish!"

"I do, especially when I'm going to take them off of you." She replied devilishly.

"Got a fantasy you would like to share?" I said my eyebrow raised.

"You want to hear an underwear fantasy from your 8 months pregnant girlfriend?"

I threw a stack of underwear in to a box and then crawled on all fours seductively towards Olivia.

"Would you like to know what underwear I have on right now?" I asked my voice low against her ear.

"Alex!"

"8 months pregnant or not, I think you are so very sexy, and get more beautiful every day of all the years I have known you."

"You just know what to say to get in to my pants!" She teased.

I grinned knowing I did.

Before I could suggest we head for the bed, Olivia reached down sliding her hand inside my yoga pants, inside my underwear.

She smiled knowing I had become wet for her.

As her finger made a quick swipe across my clit I leaned in still on all fours kissing her passionately.

"You feel so good." She breathed. "I miss your wet pussy on my mouth."

God I loved this woman.

She knew exactly what to say to get in to my pants.

I leaned back looking at her, thinking if I could literally devour her I would.

"I want to go to bed." She said with another lingering kiss.

I stood up reaching for her, pulling her to her feet.

I pulled her close to me, looking in to her eyes, wanting her kissably full lips so badly.

I was never sure if she fully believed how much I loved her voluptuous body.

She was so full and divine, so womanly.

We reached the bed and I stripped her of her clothes and she of mine, no barriers.

She leaned in her lips at the lobe of my ear, "I want you to ride my face. I want to taste you, fuck you with my tongue. I want you to make you cum with my mouth, so badly. "

Jesus.

I melted.

Olivia lay down possessively in the center of the bed, leaving me to my own devices.

I scanned her naked body and when I reached her eyes the look I gave her was animalistic and of want.

She motioned with her finger, telling me to come to her.

I crawled on the bed, taking my time kissing up her body where I wanted.

When I reached her lips I took my time kissing her, my tongue tasting her.

She was impatient, reaching for my thighs.

"I want you, she said lustfully.

I grinned, moving pillows and crawling on top of her, my center aligning with her mouth.

She looked up at me before wrapping her arms around my thighs and pulling me against her.

I lost my breath the moment her lips sunk against me, the moment her tongue began to lap up everything I gave.

"Jesus…Olivia… Oh God, Oh God." I said unable to control myself.

She was a woman with a plan to make me cum and not cum silently.

I was loosing my senses.

Every nerve in my body was pulsating.

My 8 months pregnant girlfriend was schooling me in the art of fucking me with her mouth.

I held on as long as I could and with her hands now wrapped around my waist to steady me, my body shook in pleasure.

"Holy fuck." I said as my body collapsed next to her. "Liv…"

She laughed, pleased with herself.

"My God baby you are so good!" I said still trying to catch my breath.

When I could finally move, I turned over looking to her. Both of our bodies glistened with sweat.

I reached for the pillows I had pushed away letting us both prop ourselves back up.

I leaned in kissing her, my scent lingering.

"I love you." I said as I placed tiny kisses down her neck.

My hands roamed, running over her large breasts and over her belly.

Kisses followed.

I reached, running my hands up, parting her thighs.

She was so wet as I slid my fingers against her swollen clit.

I kissed her and then concentrated on her.

What she wanted, what she needed.

I would bring her to the edge and then tease her…

She would beg me please until I finally gave her what she wanted.

She held my hand against her clit as tremors ran through her body.

I loved the sounds she made, the look on her face when she came.

We kissed again as I wrapped her in my arms.

We both drifted off to sleep, satisfied.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

The phone rang, startling us both from sleep.

"It's yours." Olivia grunted, knowing the ring wasn't coming from the direction of her cell that was in it's usual place on the bedside table.

"It's probably a wrong number." I mumbled.

The phone rang again.

"Urgh!" I groaned as I grabbed my phone, looking at the number with squinty eyes.

I sat up immediately at the familiar country code.

"Hello?"

I turned back to Olivia trying to assure her everything was fine as I made my way out of the bedroom and in to the living room.

"Yes this is she… Actually it's the middle of the night here… no problem. Yes… Oh… No, I can't… yes I understand… I do understand… that is horrible... I'm so very sorry… Yes, may I call you back at a later time today? My head is in a bit of a sleep fog… I will get back to you… Ok, thank you…"

I hung up the phone, clenching my sleepy eyes shut before I made my way back to the bed where she hopefully was still sleeping.

I gathered my thoughts and made my way down the hall.

I crawled back in bed beside her.

"Who was it?" she mumbled, barely audible.

"Former client got arrested… told him I would help him in the morning." I lied.

Olivia snuggled in to me, her mind focused on sleep.

I now laid there in the dark with her in my arms, wide-awake and wishing I hadn't answered the phone.


	28. Chapter 28

**I think I surprised myself with this turn... -M**

28.

It's the things that go through your head when you're lying in the dark. The things that go through your head when you're in the shower, you're walking, you stop to get a coffee... The things you think about when your mind wanders at work or the silence in between the lines of when your love calls you on the phone.

It's the things that go through your head.

How your thoughts can escalate and how you can reel them in…

You think about things you care about, who you love and will fiercely protect.

I know I would have fiercely protected her back then, before I truly knew I was in love with her.

But now, I know I would protect her at all costs.

And now our son.

I would protect him at all cost.

Thoughts.

What would happen if he found out I had a soon to be born son?

What if he found out Olivia was the love of my life?

Would he try and take those things away from me?

I leaned back in my desk chair, never relaxing only to think.

In the last few hours my mind had gone from and eerie calm, to racing.

Fear and anger had set in and had left me with a lump in my throat that was making me nauseous.

I picked up my cell staring at the numbers from the phone call early this morning.

I realized now the odd calm that had come over me when I went back to bed after the phone call. I now replayed how I reacted. I'm sure the officer who had to call me thought it seemed odd of as well.

How calm I seemed, how quiet I managed to keep my voice.

Why didn't I panic?

Why didn't I loose control?

Instead I asked to call back later and I climbed back in to bed next to my lover and slept with my eyes wide open.

By 6am however, I made an excuse about needing to get to the office early. Olivia never questioned, assuming I was talking about my "former client" that startled us both awake in the middle of the night.

I did need to get to the office.

That part wasn't a lie.

I left Olivia knowing she would head to the precinct.

I knew she would be fine for the time being.

Or I convinced myself she would be fine.

She would go to the precinct, begrudgingly sit behind a desk, and I thanked God she would be surrounded by armed police officers.

She would be fine.

I had closed my door, closed my blinds… and as I sat at my desk, I held my spine straight in fear my body would tremble if I didn't.

I picked up my office phone carefully dialing the number.

I couldn't put off the details any longer.

"Chief Macclery," Grumbled a man in a thick Irish accent.

"Chief Macclery, this Alexandra Cabot."

He cleared his throat and I too could tell that he sat up straighter in his chair with the mention of my name.

"Ms. Cabot, I have been awaiting your call anxiously."

"I'm sorry. I needed to come to my office. I didn't want to frighten my family."

Oh God my family.

"I apologize for calling you in the middle of the night, waking you with a startle, but we wanted you to know as soon as possible."

"Of course. And I have to say I was a bit stunned. I'm not sure if I gave you the proper reaction."

"Ms. Cabot your reaction to the news was your own, and I understand you not knowing quite how to react."

"Can we just start with what happened from the beginning?"

"Mr. Connor's ask for a transfer back to Ireland…"

"AND IT WAS GRANTED!?" I yelled not meaning to raise my voice to the chief of police.

"Mr. Connors was wanted here on heinous crimes as well. There were many who wanted justice as you did."

"But he's crazy! He's a vicious mastermind! Either country had no inclination that he would try and escape?"

"Ms. Cabot he was safely removed from the Unites States and in to Ireland. He managed to escape after he was behind bars."

"This is crazy! So Liam Connors is out there? He could be anywhere!"

"We don't think he has left the country. Proper authority have been notified and it will be hard for him to leave the country."

"You don't think he's smart enough?" I chastised.

"I know that this is frightening to you and we as well as the United States are on a man hunt. We will find him."

"So now what?" I said sounding as if I were giving in.

"We need to make sure that you and your family are protected. Your protection has been handed over to the US Marshals. We have already have a detail on you."

"What? You do?"

"They were alerted, and had someone in your building immediately. He should now be just outside your door. I am told another is at your 16th Precinct with a Detective Olivia Benson… "

"What? Does she know?"

"No."

I took a deep breath

It was hitting me, hours later, it was hitting me all at once.

Somehow he got a transfer to Ireland. And he escaped.

Liam Connors escaped.

"Ms. Cabot, you are alive today because you let the US Marshals protect you before from Liam Connors. Let them do their job."

"So what we go into hiding?"

"That is left up to the US Marshals."

"Ok…" That was all I could say.

I was having the same nightmare all over again.

"Ms. Cabot we are in constant contact with your government and you will be updated if we know anything about Mr. Connors whereabouts. Please listen to instruction. This hopefully will all be over soon."

Hopefully.

Over.

Soon.

After I hung up the phone, I found myself standing in the open doorway of my office staring at who seemed to be Mr. Cool, Calm and Collected sitting on the bench reading the paper outside my office.

As he then sat in the chair in my office, he explained what would happen next.

As instructed, I gathered my things and made my way out of my office building and in to an awaiting car.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

"Hey there!"

I watched as her face lit up at the sight of me.

I tried to give her a smile, because I too was happy if not anxious to see her.

"What are you doing here? I assumed you had a busy day since you had to leave out so early this morning."

I watched out of the corner of my eye a man go in to Cragen's office and close the door.

He must be the Marshall that was with Olivia.

"Actually I came to get you."

"What do you mean? I have a stack of Amaro's paperwork to do." She said humorously rolling her eyes.

"Liv, I need to tell you something but we need to get out of here."

"Is something wrong? What's wrong?"

"Will you just go with me? I'll explain in the car."

"Ok… but let me tell Cragen…"

I made a swift look around.

"He already knows you need to leave."

"Alex, honey you're scaring me a little."

"No… no, everything is fine. Just come with, ok?" I tried to say encouragingly.

Olivia grabbed her things and I took her purse and her arm.

As we got on the elevator and down the hall Olivia stopped. "Why is he following us?"

"Liv, he's with me."

"What do you mean he's with you?"

"Just get in the car and I'll explain."

"Alex." She said stubbornly.

"Liv, he's a US Marshal." I said giving in.

"What!"

"Liv, please get in the car."

"Alex tell me!" she pleaded.

"Liam Connors escaped from prison in Ireland." I said calmly.

"What! What was he doing in prison in Ireland? How…"

"Liv please!"

She again began to walk following me to an awaiting car.

"Where are we going?"

I could tell she was panicking.

"For now? To our new apartment…"

"But it's not even ours yet."

"Not that apartment Liv. We're going to where they can keep us safe."

"I'm not leaving the city! Alex I'm pregnant! I'm about to give birth!"

"Honey, honey… it's in the city. It will be ok and it's just for the time being."

The same nightmare all over again, but this time I was with Olivia and our unborn son.


	29. Chapter 29

29.

She hadn't really spoken to me since we left the precinct.

What was there to say? To argue?

As we rode up the elevator, standing behind two US Marshals, I caught myself squeezing her hand tighter than I meant to.

She let me.

She didn't look at me; she only let me hold her hand tight.

That feeling that I was going to be sick had never waivered and now standing there with her, though I felt safer, the look on her face didn't make me feel better.

John, the Marshal that had been sitting outside my office door, ushered us in while the other Marshal stayed outside in the hallway.

Olivia and I stepped inside a comfortably decorated apartment.

I knew the drill.

Fully stocked, everything you needed to be under lock and key.

It made my skin crawl.

"Ms. Cabot, Ms. Benson, this of course is all just a precaution," John said assuring us. "Your safety is of utmost importance. We have no reason to not believe that Mr. Connors is still in Ireland, but having you here, we can more easily protect you."

"So we stay here. What about our jobs? Not to mention I'm about 5 weeks from my due date." Olivia asked finally speaking up.

"You both are just taking a few days off. If we need more time you both will be on maternity leave. We will deal with your needs as they arise. For now, please just sit tight. We hope that Mr. Connors will be found quickly and you can go back to your lives."

Olivia shook her head to John before she walked away down the hall.

I looked at the John.

"She'll be fine." I assured him.

"Ms Cabot."

"Alex please."

"Alex, it could take hours, a few days, a week… hopefully this will just be a short inconvenience."

"Better to be inconvenienced than dead." I said sarcastically.

"You know we'll take care of you," John assured again.

I let out a deep breath.

"I know and I appreciate it."

"We'll be in touch."

I locked the door behind me and made my way back to the bedroom where Olivia was sitting on the bed.

"You're angry with me?"

I watched her shake her head.

"No… I'm not angry. I'm just scared." She said wiping away the tears from her cheeks. "I just can't believe this is happening."

" I'm so sorry that you have to be stuck in the middle of this. But if he knows who you are to me, if he knows about our son…"

Olivia looked up at me.

"Liv, we can't risk it. Being here is the best thing for us."

"But we don't know how long we'll be here, or when or if they'll find him. Alex I don't want to do this!"

I sat down beside her on the bed.

"Honey, I know and I don't want to either, but they can keep us safe here."

"Alex, what if I go it to labor? What if I need to go to the hospital? What about our son?

She was panicking.

I didn't blame her. I was too.

"It's ok, we'll be ok."

"You can't promise me that!"

"No I can't."

I couldn't.

"And how can you be so calm?"

I reached for her hand, running my thumbs across her fingers.

"I have to be or I'm trying to be. The truth is I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared. And you know what? I'm angry. Liam Connors is doing this to me again. He running free and I'm locked behind walls like I'm the prisoner and this time you have to go through this too."

"I hate this, but I would rather be here with you." She said, her voice now calm. "I mean I can't even imagine what it would be like for you to be taken away from me again. I couldn't do that again."

"But look what I've done…"

"What do you mean what you've done? Babe, you didn't do anything! You didn't let Connors escape!"

"I know, but it's because of me you're here. You're about to give birth to our son and you're here. I hate it and I feel responsible!"

"Alex, honey…" she said cupping her hand at my cheek, making me look to her. "We're here together that's what matters. All three of us together ok?"

I shook my head agreeing, my face sinking in to her hands.

Olivia lifted my face, giving me a quick kiss.

"We get through together."

I gave Olivia a shy smile as I tried to blink back the tears.

"I think I was fine with us just being boring."

"Alex Cabot when have we been boring?"

"I just, I guess I was getting used to the thought of moving in to our new apartment, decorating the baby's room, 2am feedings and worrying about what was for dinner, not about a raging lunatic escaping from prison that might come after us… this is just ridiculous."

"Alex… now that I've calmed down. I know that we will be fine and we will get back to "boring" little life soon." She teased.

"So now what?" I asked looking around the room.

"I guess calling for take-out is out of the question."

"Certain they would frown upon it."

"Ok, then come on, let's see what they left us for dinner." She said making her way off of the bed slowly but surely. "We'll make dinner, get in our pjs and find a movie. It will be an evening we always wish we could have."

"No paperwork or alarm clocks." I said following her in to the kitchen.

"Nope, just you and me babe."

"I hope we don't kill each other." I joked.

"A true test of our relationship! Let's just hope the find Connors sooner than later. With neither of us without any work to do, it could be disastrous."

I mimicked her grin.

"Alex"

"Yeah?"

"I meant what I said earlier. I would rather be here with you. And I am scared. We're both scared, but I really want you to know, I want you to understand that I would be devastated if I were without you."

My heart pounded in my throat.

Olivia reached for my hand placing it at her belly.

"See our baby boy thinks so too."

I let out the deep breath I was certain I had been holding since early this morning when I felt him kicking against the palm of my hand, and silently prayed this would all be over soon.


	30. Chapter 30

30.

To say I didn't sleep much would be an understatement.

I was up early rummaging through the kitchen looking for something to make for breakfast.

I would busy myself; occupy my mind until she awoke.

I was thankful she slept.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and decided to make pancakes.

I had made her pancakes the morning after we found out she was pregnant.

I'm not sure if today had much less worry than that day.

"Morning."

I couldn't help but smile looking at her beautiful face, void of make-up and the sound of sleepiness still in her voice.

"Morning. How did you sleep?" I said placing the readied pancakes aside and making my way to her.

"About as well as one can for being in a strange bed, a killer on the loose and a human doing gymnastics inside of you."

My hands at her belly as I leaned in for a kiss.

"I'm sorry honey."

"No I'm fine… You didn't sleep much."

"No… strange bed, killer on the loose…" I said trying to make light of our fitful sleep.

"You made breakfast?"

"Pancakes."

"How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough to make enough pancakes to get us through weeks of captivity."

"Urgh please don't say that!"

"I know bad joke!" I said making my way back to the kitchen.

Olivia followed, looking for plates.

"You weren't really kidding! Alex, that is a ridiculous amount of pancakes!"

"I was a bit preoccupied."

Olivia was silent for a moment.

"Do you think we'll hear from anyone today?" She asked.

"I would assume not unless something happens."

"He can't run forever."

"I just keep thinking he's been out there for 3 days now."

"He'll slip up."

"Do you believe that?" I asked her discouraged.

"I want to."

I looked at Olivia and then leaned in giving her a quick kiss as to say, "me too".

"Grab the syrup, everything else is on the table." I said, reaching for the two plates of pancakes.

We both sat.

"So… what do you think of the name Henry?"

I stuffed my mouth full, nodding, "Henry?"

"We do need to decide on a name for this little fella… He's coming whether we're ready or not."

"Henry?" I repeated.

"You don't like Henry?" Olivia said taking her own bite of pancake.

"I don't mind the name Henry."

"You have a better one?"

"Carter?"

"Hmm Carter?"

"No?"

"I don't not like it… Evan?"

"Jack?"

"Walker?"

"Oliver after you?" I smiled

"Alexander after you?" She smiled.

"Rocco?"

"Alex be serious!"

I laughed.

"How about Hudson?"

"Hudson Benson-Cabot that sounds like a law firm!"

She meant it as a joke, but I couldn't help but stumble on her words.

Benson-Cabot.

"Are you being serious?"

"I was just kidding Alex."

"No, I mean are you serious about the Benson-Cabot part?"

Olivia grinned.

"Well I thought that it would be best that he have both our names so it would be less confusing that we are both his parents."

My pancakes now forgotten.

"Liv."

"Baby, I meant what I said months ago, this is your son and he should have your name too."

"I'm honored. I'm truly honored and I feel so overwhelmed that you would do that, and I hate to bring it up, but what about Cassidy? Don't you think if anything he would prefer a Benson-Cassidy especially over a Benson-Cabot?"

"I know that conversation is coming, and I don't plan on it being an easy conversation. But Brian saying he wants to be a father and actually being one is two different things."

"That wont stop him from objecting Liv."

"I don't think he really wants to be a father or at least some in the conventional way."

"What if he does when he lays eyes on him? What f he falls in love with him and decided he wants him? You said so yourself you wouldn't get in the way of him being a father."

"Alex, I don't want to get in the way of him being a father. And I don't care if this kid has three parents, but I feel like at this point Brian will be the kind of father that just shows up when he wants. I want this little boy to have constant love and attention. I want him to know who he can rely on, who will be there for him."

Olivia reached for my hand across the table, squeezing it tight.

"You are have been her for this baby and for me, not Brian. He chose to leave me and he chose to leave when he found out I was pregnant…"

"I guess there will always be a part of me that is a little scared that Brian will take him away from me."

"I won't let that happen."

I looked at Olivia.

"Alex! What can I do for you to believe me?"

"I believe you, honey I do believe you… I'm just now sure if I can compete with Cassidy."

"First of all Alexandra Cabot you could compete with anyone. Second, there is no reason to feel like you have to compete with Cassidy. If he wants to be a father to this kid then he shouldn't feel like you are taking his place, because if he does, he should feel like he needs to step up!"

We both had left breakfast far behind us and were now wondering how we got on the verge of tears and so deep and into this conversation.

Conversation about feelings that obviously wouldn't just lie.

"I do like the name Henry." I said giving Olivia a shy smile.

She matched my smile.

"We'll make this all work I promise."

"I know." I said shaking my head. "I know."

I looked down realizing I had never let go of her and hand.

Her fingers were still intertwined with mine, we were both still holding on to each other.

A knock at the door.

Olivia and I both looked across the room of the small apartment, our eyes fixated on the closed door.

"It's John." He called through the door, assuring us.

I rushed from the table, looking out the peephole to see John standing in the hallway.

I synched my robe tighter around my waist before opening the door.

"John." I said, worry already in my voice.

"They got him." He said confidently. "He's locked away in a prison outside of Belfast."

"It's over?" Olivia asked now standing behind me.

He shook his head. "It's over."

"We can go home?" I asked as if I were unsure it was really happening.

"When you're ready."

I turned to look at Olivia.

"They got him." She said, the look on my face obviously still said I was unsure. "Let's go home."

I looked back at John.

"We can wait for you downstairs. Take all the time you need."

And just like that it was over.

It was over.


	31. Chapter 31

A sort of quick one...

I know I don't tell you guys enough, but thank you for your reviews and your input. You all are so smart and thoughtful! -M

31.

In a matter of 3 weeks we had managed to be put under a 36 hour witness protection, released, gone back to work as nothing ever happened, moved in to our new apartment and Olivia was literally growing increasingly miserable by the day.

Today was her last day at the precinct.

Despite protests early on, the closer she got to her due date the more willing she was to give in to having time at home before that baby came.

She only had about three years worth of vacation time saved that didn't include maternity leave.

I rushed the whole day trying to get her out of the apartment early that morning and then trying to beat her home that evening.

"Keep your eyes closed!"

"I can't see anything, your hands are over my eyes!"

"I want to surprise you!"

"Alex you know I hate surprises."

"This is a good surprise. Will you just humor me!"

I walked behind Olivia guiding her through the apartment.

"Ok… are you ready?" I said making sure she was in the right position. "Alright, open your eyes." I said pulling my hands away.

Olivia looked around at the nursery.

"Alex."

"You like it?" I asked excitedly.

She looked at me and grinned. "Baby, it's perfect."

I had been making notes of every thing she pointed out in magazines, online and in stores. And I made sure everything wasn't to be baby blue, because she didn't want everything to be baby blue.

"When did you have time to do this?"

"Well I knew that when we got in the apartment we wouldn't have long to decorate the baby's room. So I hoped I could relieve some of the stress and pull it together while you were at work."

"This is perfect. I just have no idea how you did this so quickly!"

"Lots of phone calls and I have a great assistant." I said smiling.

Olivia walked over to the crib picking up the stuffed baby giraffe.

She turned to look at me, tears in her eyes.

"Honey I just can't believe you did this."

"I just wanted to do something for you."

"I'm just so surprised."

"I hope it's what you would have picked."

"Alex are you kidding? It really is perfect. I can't wait to bring him home, to see him in his crib."

I leaned in kissing her on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you love it."

"It just makes me that much more excited." Olivia said turning to me. "Thank you. This really was a great surprise."

"You're very welcome." I said so happy to see the smile on her face.

"Alex?"

"Yes honey?"

"Do you mind if go and take my shoes off and get undressed? Olivia asked looking tired.

"Baby of course! Go get comfortable! I was going to order in for dinner. Anything that you and the little man are craving?"

"Mexican!"

I laughed at her decisive answer.

"Ok I'll order Mexican you go get comfy."

Our food arrived and we forfeited the table for the couch and coffee table. After the food was gone and we were stuffed, we sat back on the couch and I rubbed her feet trying to relieve any discomfort I could.

"So how was your last day?"

'"Besides everyone falling all over me?"

"They we're probably shocked that you hadn't decided to have the baby at your desk!"

"Ha ha Cabot! I have to be honest, after the last couple if weeks we've had, the thought of getting a little rest before the baby comes is more than ok with me at this point. I am officially tired and huge!"

"You're not huge! You're stunning and perfect and you're about to give birth to our baby boy."

"I think you're biased."

"Well I am biased, but that doesn't change the fact that you are incredibly beautiful."

"I am so lucky to have you."

I crawled across the couch, my lips reaching for her lips.

"How about we go and get in our bed and I can help you relax." I said offering my hand.

She got in bed and I slowly stripped down for her as she watched.

I worshiped the lazy grin on her face, and the way she looked at me.

I got in bed crawling towards her.

"I want to kiss you all over and I want to send chills down your spine, and I want you to fall asleep with your perfect mouth turned upwards in to that little smile you have on your face."

"I love you" Olivia whispered as my lips slid down her neck. "You make me feel like I'm the only other woman in the world."

"I looked up at her.

"You are the only other woman in the world."

I slid further down pushing her loose t-shirt up and over her belly.

I kissed and kissed softly, sinking lower kissing the inside of her thighs down to her knees.

Chills, chills down her spine.

I helped her pull the shirt over her head and gently caressed her full breasts.

I captured her lips once again and we kissed hungrily.

"You always know just what I need." Olivia said as her fingers grazed against my pert nipples.

"I just love you so much, I always want to give you what you need."

"You give me everything. And you've changed your whole life for me."

I caressed Olivia's cheek, holding her eyes with mine.

"You changed my whole life the day I walked into the 1-6. I didn't know at the time I was in love with you, but I was so enamored with your strength and your compassion, and how beautiful and God how sexy you were."

Olivia reached for me pulling me towards her, her mouth finding mine, erupting in to a passionate kiss.

"Stay with me forever." She whispered against my lips.

I kissed her again.

"Forever." I said. "Forever."


	32. Chapter 32

**Another quick one, but I wanted you to know I was alive. :) I'm back from vacation so should be back to my regular writing/posting! -M**

32.

I didn't expect myself to cry the way I did.

The smile on my face, and the relentless tears that flowed down my cheeks as I wiped the sweat from her brow.

My heart pounded in my throat.

The sight of our baby boy being lifted in to the air and then laid on Olivia's chest, made me overcome with emotion.

How could anything be so beautiful? Be so absolutely perfect?

That's all I could say to her, "he's so beautiful, he's so perfect, he's so perfect."

The first time I got to hold him in my arms, my heart melted to his.

I was his forever. I would love him with all of my being forever.

I held him, I held on to her.

I suddenly had everything.

Everything in the world was right there.

Our baby boy.

Olivia.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

I had only planned to work a half a day. I was going to take a leave for the rest of Olivia's pregnancy and then on to maternity leave after the baby was born.

She had spent the morning convincing me that it was ok that I go in to the office. The closer we got to her due date the more hesitant I became to leave her. She insisted she was fine though I know she was up half the night with a backache.

I went to the office promising I would be out of there as soon as I could. I would tie up loose ends, take some work home I could finish up… I had one last meeting scheduled with fellow attorney who was taking on some of my cases when I saw Olivia's name pop up on the screen of my phone.

We had a plan in the last few weeks that if I didn't answer, that if she called right back it was important, it was the baby.

I saw her name flash on my screen once in the middle of my meeting and then seconds later my phone lit up again.

"Can you excuse me for just a moment?" I asked hurriedly as I made my way out of my own office.

I called back, already pacing small circles in the hallway as the phone rang.

"Honey?" I said as soon as I could tell she picked up the phone.

Her water broke…

He was a week and a half early.

"It's ok baby. I'm coming. I'll be there as fast as I can ok. Just hold on! I'll be right there!"

I'm not sure what I said when I left everything and everyone in my office, only grabbing my purse and saying Olivia and the baby repeatedly.

I know they understood.

I had planned to be calm and organized. We had a plan.

All my planning, all of my organizing… It all went to shit.

At least for me it did.

I was panicking. I caught myself panicking.

I talked myself in to taking deep breaths. I made myself calm down.

I begged the cab driver to please hurry.

I couldn't help but remember hoping the cab driver would drive faster the day I rushed to the hospital when Olivia was taken in after being knocked and given a concussion.

I remembered how I was so scared, how I was thinking the worst. Thinking how much I loved her, how much I needed her and if anything had happen to her…

A concussion - and then days later we found out about this little baby that was about to come in to the world.

He was a week and a half early.

Was I ready?

Was she ready?

"Liv? Honey? I'm almost there, only a few more blocks. Are you ok?"

I'm not sure why I asked that question. She wouldn't have told me if she wasn't. Even in labor Olivia would insist that she was fine.

Typical Olivia took the pain as her duty and worried more about me than herself.

Eight hours later… and one last grueling push, the cries of a baby boy filled the room.

I didn't expect to cry the way I did.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

He was only a few hours old as I lay beside her on the bed.

She held him swaddled in her arms.

"So what do you think?" Olivia asked looking over to me. "We've been calling him that for weeks."

"Maybe we should ask him?"

"You think he's going to answer?" Olivia grinned.

"I thought maybe if he was adamantly opposed he might cry or something, at least make a face."

"Ok… little man, what do you think about your name being Henry? Henry Benson–Cabot?"

His little fingers tightened around Alex's finger.

"I think he might be ok with it." Alex smiled.

Olivia smiled.

"Hi there Henry."

He struggled to open his eyes to look up at both of his parents in the dimly lit room.

Olivia leaned down to kiss Henry's head.

"I'm so happy." Olivia whispered.

"I never thought I could be this happy." I said soothing her hair. "Thank you for this beautiful baby boy."

Olivia reached up cupping my face.

"I love you."


	33. Chapter 33

33.

I sat the stuffed elephant in the corner of his crib.

I stood there watching him sleep. Watching his little fingers make slight movements, his eye brows furl in thought, hoping he was lost in sweet dreams.

"Henry I think you are one lucky little boy, because I love you so much. And your mommy loves you so much. And you know what? When you get older you are going to see how amazing your mommy is. She's beautiful, and funny and she's smart. But you're going to see how courageous she is and how compassionate… Baby boy I can't tell you just how in love I am with you and your mommy."

"Well I think Henry should know that his other mommy is beautiful and brilliant…" I turned to see Olivia standing in the doorway watching me. "And that she is so brave... maybe perfect."

I shook my head.

"Ha yes perfect."

Olivia wrapped her arms around me, resting her chin on my shoulder.

"I think you're prefect."

She kissed my cheek softly then we both looked at Henry sleeping.

"It's kind of hard to take your eyes off of him."

I agreed.

"I can't believe he's still sleeping, did you get any rest?"

"Definitely a good power nap."

"I was hoping he wouldn't wake up hungry while you had a moment to sleep."

"He will definitely be hungry when he wakes up. That little man does not miss a meal!"

"Just thank God you won't be breast feeding him when he turns 14!"

"Yeah he may eat us out of house and home one day."

I laughed, then looked down again at our baby boy, watching his chest rise and fall.

"I can't believe he's a month old." I said, pulling Olivia's arms tighter around me.

"Hard to think a month ago there was life before him."

"It definitely didn't measure up." I said as I turned in Olivia's arms, reaching to twist the end of her hair around my finger.

I could never tell Olivia enough how much I loved her, how much I adored her.

How she had changed my life.

Given me such immeasurable love.

"What time is Cassidy supposed to be here?" I asked trying to sound nonchalant.

"It will be at least another hour."

I was unconsciously biting my bottom lip.

"You're nervous for him to meet Henry?" Olivia asked.

I took a deep breath.

"Just a lot of mixed emotions."

"Yeah I know… me too."

I looked at Olivia. She had been so cool and calm about Cassidy. 'If he wants to be a father… she won't stand in his way… today, an hour before Brian Cassidy would meet his son, her face, her voice was filled with doubt.

"Liv?"

She looked away from me.

"He's going to fall in love with him. I mean why wouldn't he? And a part of me wants… I want him to. Doesn't Henry deserve to have his father to love him? Be apart of his life?"

"Ok." I said skeptical of what she would say next.

"But what if he wants more? What if he wants…" Olivia stopped herself from saying it out loud.

I took a step back from Olivia.

Her fears were my fears all along.

I crossed my arms across my chest, guarding my heart.

"He's not legally mine." I said sating my fears aloud.

"Alex."

"Liv, we have the same fears. He can stop me from adopting Henry."

"I told you I wouldn't let anything happen, that Henry is yours."

"Liv, despite your relationship or lack there of with each other, he is Henry's father. And if he doesn't want me to legally be Henry's parent he can protest. He can stop me. He is his biological parent, I'm not."

Olivia looked at to me shaking her head, she knew… she knew.

Henry began to wake diverting both of our attention.

I lifted him from his crib, holding the small little being against my chest.

"I need to feed him before Brian comes."

I shook my head understanding.

"Come with me?" She asked,.

It obviously was an important bonding time breastfeeding Henry. Olivia had tried to always include me when possible. I would sit close to her, and it the beginning help Henry latch on to her breast. I would cradle them both in my arms, let Henry grip my finger, sooth his head…

I followed Olivia to the couch sitting down beside her. I let her get comfortable and ready to take Henry in to her arms.

She made her full breast accessible and I placed him in her arms.

I watched as he nursed and I held my hand against Olivia's hand that was supporting Henry.

I pressed my lips in to the crook of her neck, holding my face against her.

"Everything will be fine baby." She said whispering in to my hair.

I shook my head, then looking down at Henry.

I brushed my thumb gently across his cheek.

"I just hope Cassidy understands how much I love Henry. How much I love you and that you two are my life."

"Alex whatever today brings… let's just hope for the best. Hope for the best for Henry. We'll figure the rest out."

I gave her a solemn smile.

I leaned in kissing Olivia before she handed Henry to me.

He fit so perfectly in my arms, against my chest.

Olivia snuggled in beside me.

I knew I was being sensitive, but I was holding on to my son, holding on to my family for dear life.


	34. Chapter 34

34

I almost jumped out of my skin at the light knock on the door.

There was a lump in my throat and I took a deep breath trying desperately to gain my composure.

Olivia was right everything would be fine.

Henry deserved all the love in the world.

He deserved to have a father that loved him just as much…

I opened the door.

He seemed much bigger, taller as I stood in front of him in my bare feet.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Come in." I said standing to the side.

"I didn't want to ring the bell incase Henry was sleeping."

I gave him a polite smile.

"Liv is actually just changing him… You're welcome to sit."

"This is a great a apartment."Cassidy said, looking around, making his way in to the living room.

"Thanks," I said politely.

He seemed just as nervous to be around me as I was with him.

"I'll let her know you're here."

Cassidy shook his head as he sat on the edge of the couch.

"Hey babe…" I said barely raising my voice.

Liv had changed and dressed Henry.

"Hi mama! Don't I look cute?" Olivia said, holding Henry up to me.

I grinned.

"Very handsome."

"Remember Melinda gave him this…"

"Liv."

"Hmm?"

"Cassidy here."

"Oh… oh ok."

Olivia held Henry close in her arms.

She shook her head.

I leaned in kissing Henry on his head and then I kissed Olivia, my lips lingering against hers.

As I pulled away I mouthed, "I love you."

"Love you," she said softy.

Cassidy stood up when saw us coming.

Liv held Henry and made her way to Cassidy.

"Hi Brian."

"Liv."

"Meet Henry." Olivia said, holding the baby boy up to Cassidy.

"He's so little."

The smile on Cassidy's face was so pure and so full of joy to see him.

"You want to hold him?"

"Um yeah," he said nervously.

Olivia came closer placing Henry in his arms.

" You have to support his neck… see you've got him."

I watched as a smile appeared on both Olivia and Brian's face.

"He's perfect."

"Yeah we seem to think so."

"Liv…"

"I know," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Do you want to sit with him?"

"Yeah ok."

"Here sit in this chair. Just hold him in your arms…. Relax."

Cassidy sat down carefully holding Henry in his arms.

Olivia sat across from him on the couch and I still stood behind them.

"Hi there Henry."

Brian looked at Olivia and smiled again.

"His name fits him."

"He seems to be ok with it."

"Hi there little guy. I'm your daddy."

My heart pounded.

I could no longer see Olivia's face.

Her reaction.

Your daddy.

"I just can't get over how tiny he is."

"He's actually grown a lot. He has a healthy appetite and look at those long legs."

"Like his mama."

"What part the appetite or the legs?" Olivia teased.

Cassidy grinned.

Henry began to fuss a bit.

And I could see panic on Cassidy's face.

"He's ok." Olivia assured him.

"It's ok little guy, it's ok." Cassidy said trying to comfort him as he continued to fuss.

"I think he wants his mama." Cassidy nodded to Olivia

"Actually Alex has the magic touch."

Both Cassidy and Olivia turned to me.

I smiled, making my way to take Henry in to my arms.

I knew what Olivia was doing.

The moment Cassidy placed Henry in my arms he quieted, holding on to my shirt in his hand.

"You do have magic touch." Cassidy said watching me.

I smiled.

"We've had quite a few nights to get it down haven't we Henry?" I asked as I kissed him, and then made my way to the couch beside Olivia.

"You guys look like you're doing good. Henry seems really happy. You both seem really happy."

"We are. Henry has changed everything for us both."

"I gotta be honest, my world is a little turned upside down seeing him, being able to hold him. I mean I thought I could imagine what he would be like… But he's just perfect."

I looked down at the baby boy in my arms. If Cassidy and I agreed on anything it was that Henry was perfect.

"I think I will go and put him down for a nap… let you two catch up."

"Thanks Alex." Cassidy said politely.

I disappeared in to the other room as Cassidy and Liv talked.

"Can I get you something? Coffee? Water?"

"No, no I'm fine."

"Liv."

"Yeah?"

"I've never seen you more radiant, I meant it when I said you seem really happy."

"Thanks." Olivia said smiling shyly. "Henry is everything I every wanted. I kind of feel like he fills up this hole that has been inside of me for a very long time…"

"He seems to be taking to Alex."

"She's been with him from the moment he was born. Actually she was with him before he was born. She took such great care of me. She takes such great care of Henry. "

"I'm not sure I ever saw Cabot as the type with food stains on her shirt and dirty diapers."

"Its just part of it, a part of being a parent."

Cassidy looked at Olivia though he didn't say anything.

"So are you going back under cover?" Olivia asked shifting on the cushion of the couch.

Cassidy ran his hands through his hair buying his time.

"I'm pretty deep in at this point."

"So that's a yes."

"Olivia."

"Brian I just want an answer. And I'm certain I don't need the answer you think I do."

"Liv."

"I'm happy, Henry is happy."

"Here with Alex."

"Yeah here with Alex."

"Olivia I want to be a good dad."

"You can be a good dad. But you don't have to be a typical dad. Just be a good one… Brian I totally expected you to come here and fall in love with Henry. What I didn't expect was for you to say you were settling down and ready to change diapers and 2am feeding."

"I would… if you needed me I would."

"Brian I'm not saying you're not needed."

"You're in love with Alex, hell my son is in love with Alex. You have a happy little life and there's no room for in this situation."

"Yes there is. And I'm giving you the option to have Henry in your life. To be a good dad. "

"I want to be a good dad…"

"I believe you."

"I can't compete with Alex."

"Honestly no you can't. I'm in love with Alex. Alex is a part of Henry's and my life, and if you're in our lives Alex will be in yours too. There's no discussion about that. But you don't have to compete with her."

"But you want me to give Henry up to Alex?"

Olivia looked up at Cassidy, thrown back a bit by his assertiveness.

She bit her bottom lip.

"I just need an answer Olivia."

Touche

She took a deep breath.

"I would like for Alex to adopt him, yes."

"You want me to just give up my son?"

"No, no that's not what I'm saying. I just want Alex to have legal rights to take care of Henry."

"And to be his legal parent."

"Henry deserves to have Alex as a parent."

Cassidy stood up and walked behind the chair, pacing back and forth.

"It's not a decision you have to make today. I was just hoping you would think it through. Think it through for Henry please?"

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

I had closed the door to our bedroom.

Henry lay against my chest sound asleep, completely unaware of any conversation that may be going on for his concern.

I tried to relax, hoping he wouldn't pick up on how tense I was.

I closed the door because I did want Henry to not be disturbed, but I also knew Liv and Cassidy needed to talk.

I looked up to see the door open as Olivia peered through the door.

"Hey you."

"Hey." I said giving her a solemn smile. "Cassidy gone?"

"Yeah he didn't want to wake Henry."

"Everything ok?"

"Maybe."

"Ok?"

"We talked about you adopting Henry."

"Oh and?"

"And you can tell it's breaking his heart, but he wants to do the right thing. He knows how good you are for Henry, for me. He knows we're a family. I think he feels left out of the situation."

"He chose to leave." I rebutted.

"He knows Alex, he knows."

"So where did you leave it?"

"I asked him to think about it. To think about what's best for Henry."

"Did he say he would?"

"I think he will."

I nodded.

Olivia climbed in bed next to me and Henry and I caught myself just holding her hand tightly for the longest time.


	35. Chapter 35

35

"You're in deep thought over there."

"Hmm? Oh yeah I guess I was."

I looked up at Olivia reaching for her to come and sit beside me.

"What were you thinking about?" She asked snuggling next to me on the couch.

"Truthfully? I was thinking about Mexico."

"Mexico? Like our trip to Mexico?

"Yeah, I was thinking about how we went to Mexico to try and forget all of our troubles..."

"You thinking of taking a trip Cabot?"

"Ha, no. Just thinking about being with you."

"You and I on that trip, we were full of pent up emotions and… I was full of emotions."

"I wanted you so badly."

"If I remember correctly you stopped our little encounter."

"You remember why I stopped. I stopped because I loved you and I couldn't just be with you like that… I loved you too much, for too long."

"I knew that and I'm glad you stopped us. I mean obviously not at the time, but I wouldn't change that moment now. Not if it means I wouldn't be right here beside you."

"I feel like we've come along way."

"I would say so, considering you were trying to avoid me a year ago."

"I just didn't know I could have you… I wasted so much time not telling you how much I love you."

"Hey I'm here now… and you're not taking any of your love back. It's mine now."

I grinned.

"I happily and enthusiastically give you all of my love."

Olivia smiled pushing my hair back off of my neck, playing with the strands of my hair.

"Tired?" I asked looking at her heavy eyelids.

"Tired, but happy to just be here with you."

"It's oddly quiet around here."

"Have you noticed Henry has been sleeping longer?"

"I've noticed because I've been sleeping longer!" I said, with an amused laugh.

Olivia leaned in kissing neck, then another, and another just below my ear.

I couldn't help but let out a satisfied breath at the way her lips felt on my skin.

Her teeth drug against the lobe of my ear.

"Don't start something you can't finish," I teased.

"I have every intention of finishing what I'm starting." She said her voice low.

I looked at Olivia.

Obviously having a baby changes your sex life. I had probably gone overkill on telling Olivia how beautiful she was and how sexy I thought she was after Henry was born. I think I had read one to many articles and paragraphs about how a woman feels after she gives birth. Then just being tired set in; Olivia and I were both exhausted…

I still had the urge to touch her, I still was attracted to her in every way, but the month after Henry was born if we both made it in bed next to each other and not falling asleep in some chair that was enough.

Now I was just letting Olivia go at her own pace.

Tonight, Olivia was going at her own pace.

"Kiss me," she said a devilish grin on her face.

I grinned back before quickly capturing her lips with mine.

Our kisses were heated and passionate.

Our tongues twisting

I wanted to kiss her so hard and then so softly.

I couldn't get enough of her tasting her.

When our kiss broke she had that same grin on her face.

"What?"

"You kissed me like that in Mexico."

"I didn't think it was possible to want you more, to be more in love with you than I was that night. Everyday, every second I'm proven wrong."

"We'll just get better and better baby."

I smiled.

We would get better and better.

My fingers intertwining with hers, we took a moment to just look in to each other's eyes.

Sometimes sweet, sometimes intense.

I could see everything in her eyes.

Olivia leaned in and we began to kiss again.

So sweet and sinful.

I loved her.

I lusted after her.

I loved her.

We pushed and pulled each other until I was pressed against her, against the arm of the couch.

Olivia snaked her hand under my thin sweater kneading my silk covered breast.

I leaned up, pulling my sweater over my head.

I was lost in the way she was touching me.

I undid my bra and Olivia's hands went straight back to my breasts, then her mouth…

Oh God her mouth.

Her tongue swirling around my nipple, her mouth devouring me.

She unbuttoned my jeans shoving her hands into my panties, as she grinned feeling how wet I was.

I captured her lips again as I felt her fingers move inside me

I tugged at my jeans trying desperately to get them down my hips, hoping she wouldn't break contact, hoping her hand wouldn't leave me.

Olivia's other hand helped me shove my jeans down my thighs.

She pulled my panties down with one hand and pushed further in to me with the other.

I finally got my jeans off and I rode her fingers, her thumb against my clit.

Jesus I felt so tight.

She felt so good.

"God, Liv… I'm going to come. Please…"

She was relentless.

Thank God she was relentless.

I would come fast.

My body started to tense and shake.

And I came until my body collapsed on top of Olivia's.

I buried my face in to her neck, tasting the salt now on her skin.

"Let's go to bed." I said almost growling again my eyes with hers.

I stood up, my legs still shaky.

Leaving all my clothes where they fell, I reached for Olivia.

She took my hand and followed.

I began to kiss her, walking backwards towards our bedroom.

As I laid her on the bed I reached for the hem of her shirt pulling it over her head.

I slid down the straps of her bra and began to kiss the peaks of her full breasts.

I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to touch her.

I wanted her and every part of her.

I reached down for the waist of her pants when on queue cries rang through out the apartment.

I leaned above Olivia, looking down at her, she was still breathless as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Hey." I said as she looked up at me. "I'm not done with you." I said seductively.

She grinned.

I crawled off of Olivia.

"I'll get him." I said leaning in to kiss her one more time.

When Henry and I returned, Olivia was now naked, propped up against the pillows in bed.

I eyed her and she gave me a look.

"Figured I would give you both a head start," she said referring to her bare breast.

I grinned, then placed our baby boy in her arms and he quickly latched.

I leaned in kissing her head and then let her have her time with Henry.

"Hey, where are you going?" Olivia asked as I was already making my way across the room. "There's no walking away from me when you're naked."

I turned to look at Olivia. "Just going to get a glass of water. And don't you worry when we get our little one back to sleep… well I told you I wasn't done with you yet."


	36. Chapter 36

36.

"Alex, Brian Cassidy is here to see you."

I look up from my legal pad to the familiar voice coming from the phone on my desk.

"Alex?"

I hadn't realized I hadn't responded.

"Sorry Rebecca, yes… you can send him in."

Why was he here?

Out of the blue.

I'm not sure I liked a surprise visit from Brian Cassidy.

No time to panic.

I took a deep breath in when he knocked on the door.

"Hi." I said standing, posturing. "Come in."

"Sorry to just show up at your office, but I was hoping to talk to you without Olivia."

"Ok." I said blankly. I gestured for him to sit as I took my seat behind my desk.

He sat, but quickly leaned in picking up one of the pictures of Henry on my desk.

"He's really grown."

"He's almost 5 months."

"He looks like Olivia."

I couldn't help but smile.

He did, more everyday.

"You should see his facial expressions, they're just like hers."

Cassidy looked at me, shaking his head.

"I have to say I'm surprised to see you here, I thought you weren't in the city."

"I haven't been, just flying under the radar for a few days. Hoping to speak to you, to see Henry and Olivia."

"Cassidy?" I said, catching myself fidgeting with my pen. "I have to ask why you're here?"

Cassidy leaned back in the chair as if to not seem so intense.

"I want to talk to you about Henry."

I wasn't sure if I was in attorney mode or mama mode, either way I could be ready to fight.

"Ok, let's talk about Henry."

Cassidy was still holding the photo of Henry and occasionally he would just pause to look at it.

"I haven't been a very good father so far."

His confession.

I couldn't disagree.

"But, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. You and Olivia have a life together. You have Henry… I was never in the equation from the start."

"Brian," I said trying to be more personable, "Olivia has always wanted you to be in Henry's life. She said that from the very beginning."

"And you? Do you want me Henry's life?"

"I understand why she does. She never had a father and I think she figures that Henry having a father that comes around every once in a while is better than not having one at all."

"But you think Henry would be better off without me?"

"I'm not saying that."

"Olivia wants me to just hand over my parental rights. She wants you to adopt him. That's what you want as well."

"Yes." I said emphatically.

Why would I deny it?

Why back down?

"He's my son Alex."

"I know." I tried to say sympathetically thought it wasn't a great response.

"She wants me to just give him to you. She knows you'll be better for him."

I swallowed hard.

"Brian, I love him. I take care of him. I provide for him and I'm there for him. He's my every thing. He and Olivia are my every thing. I don't want to fight over Henry. Henry doesn't deserve that, Olivia doesn't deserve that and really you and I don't either. Henry deserves to be loved and it is fully my intentions to give him every ounce of love I can, not make life harder for him."

"I love him."

"I don't doubt that."

"But you think I'd make a shitty parent?"

"I think you have to show up to be a parent."

Cassidy placed the picture frame down on my desk and then stood up, walking towards the window.

He had turned his back to me.

"I know about Liam Connors."

A left hook right in to the chin.

I glared at Cassidy as he turned slightly to see the look on my face.

"I know about him escaping and you and Olivia having to be put under protective custody right before Henry was born."

"We were never in danger. It was just precautionary."

I saw Cassidy shake his head.

"Cassidy what is your point in bringing that up?"

"You're not perfect Alex. You have skeletons too."

"And that makes me a bad parent? Because if we're comparing pasts…"

"Not comparing pasts, I just want to make sure that Olivia and my son are safe with you."

"As opposed to what? Being with you?" I asked defensively.

"I can protect them from my past."

"And I can protect them from mine." I fought back.

I stood up folding my arms against my chest. "And why is your concern even for Olivia? Henry of course, but Olivia, why?"

"You don't think I care about the mother of my child?"

"I do and I think you've cared about her for a long time. But your concern for her is suspicious."

"What do you mean suspicious? Because I care about her, love her?"

Cassidy caught what he said.

"Are you sure you came here to talk about Henry?" I jabbed.

"I came to talk about my family."

Oh God, I was going to be sick.

"You mean my family?" I said my voice low.

Cassidy stood up straighter, his hands shoved in his pockets.

"Henry deserves to have his mother and father."

Oh fuck.

It was happening.

A bomb exploded right at my feet and I was shattering in to a million pieces.

"I think it's probably time you left. I'm sure some hooker or dealer is looking for you."

Cassidy just looked at me for a moment and then made his way out of my office, jarring my heart with the slam of the door.

My hand reached for the edge of my desk as I tried to steady myself.

"Oh God."


	37. Chapter 37

37.

I sat paralyzed in my office the rest of the afternoon.

I read the same paragraph for an hour before giving up.

I was angry.

I was angry at Cassidy.

I was angry because I saw it coming.

I was angry because I loved Olivia and Henry so much that I was infuriated that anyone thought they could taken them away from me.

I could hear the music as I slid my key in to the lock.

I opened our apartment door to see Olivia and Henry dancing around.

I smiled.

I could have cried.

"Hi honey!" Olivia said turning down the music. "Look your mama is home!"

She made her way towards me as Henry squealed and reached out his arms for me.

I scooped Henry up in my arms as Olivia kissed me.

My loves.

My family.

As Olivia pulled away I reached for her arm and pulled her in to another kiss.

She didn't question it only kissed me back a bit more passionately.

"How was your day?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Interesting."

Interesting… that was the only word I could come up with.

"Interesting? Really?"

"I'll tell you about it later." I said, preoccupying myself with the baby in my arms that had a handful of my hair.

And telling myself that I would actually get the courage to tell her about it later.

"We talked about ordering Thai earlier… are you hungry?" Olivia asked as she gathered toys in her arms.

"Um yeah that still sounds good."

I wasn't hungry.

In fact I still felt sick.

"Are you ok?" Olivia asked realizing I was still standing in the same place with Henry.

"Yeah, yeah I'm just tired."

Olivia looked at me, studied me.

The detective.

"Honey I'm fine. Just ready to get this suit and these shoes off and just be with the two of you."

"Ok," she said skeptically.

"Here let me take Henry so you can get changed." Olivia said taking Henry from me.

"Come with me."

She knew something was up.

She read me too well.

But she played along.

I was already stripping down as Olivia made her way to the chair in the corner of our bedroom.

I stopped for a moment to notice her sink down in to the chair, to notice how Henry sat so content in her arms.

"He looks tired." I said hanging my suit back on the discarded hanger from this morning.

"He is. My plan to wear him out this evening seemed to work."

"Yeah I got a little glimpse of the dancing you to were doing." I said grinning.

"Purely to entertain Henry of course!"

"Of course."

I threw on a t-shit and a pair of pajama pants.

"You look sexy in that little t-shirt Cabot." Olivia said as her eyes read the words Bahamas across my chest.

I grinned.

I loved that she looked at me that way.

That she made me feel that way.

"He's had his bath. You want to see if you can get him to sleep? I'll order Thai?"

"Perfect," I said leaning in to kiss her one more time, then lifting Henry back in to my arms.

I made my way in to Henry's room where the lights were low. We had a bedtime routine. I would walk back and forth, rubbing his back while whispering about the day or just how much I loved him and his mama.

It soothed him.

It soothed me.

I held him a bit longer after he drifted off to sleep, then put him down in his crib.

"He's asleep." I said making my way to the living room.

Olivia smiled.

"Food should be here soon."

I nodded.

"I'm going to open a bottle of wine." I said already making my way to make my selection.

It wasn't long before the food arrived and Olivia and I were sitting with each other at the table.

I was on glass number two of wine and barely an appetite for dinner.

"So are you going to tell me what's up?" Olivia said clearly noticing. "What was it that made your day so "interesting" and has obviously altered your mood?"

I took another sip of wine.

"Alex?"

I looked up her.

"Marry me," I said softly.

"What? Whoa Alex, where did that come from?"

"I love you." I said almost desperately.

"Baby, I love you too…"

"You've never thought about it? Thought about us getting married?"

"Sure. Maybe. Eventually, but where did that come from? Are why are you in such a rush?"

"I just I want to marry you, be with you for the rest of my life. I want you and Henry to be with me for the rest of our lives."

"Honey, that's the plan. I want the same thing. I plan on being with you for the rest of my life, for loving you relentlessly for the rest of my life." Olivia said intertwining her fingers with mine. "And I plan on us raising our son… but asking me to marry you tonight, it just seems sudden."

Tears were falling down my face.

"Alex? Honey, please tell me what is upsetting you? You know I love you. You know that I want to be with you… What happen today?"

"Its nothing… really it's nothing." I said getting up from the table.

She followed me.

Your love should always follow you.

"Baby I'm here. I'm right here and whatever it is… me help you feel better." Olivia pleaded.

I turned to look at her, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I blew out a breath.

"Cassidy." I said.

"What? She asked puzzled. "Cassidy what?" she asked her voice rising a bit.

"He came by my office today."

Olivia's eyes were widening.

"Why?"

Her question was dry and bold.

"To talk about you and Henry."

"And? What did he say?'

"I think he regrets letting you go. I think he regrets not being a father to Henry. I think he would fight for you if you would let him."

"So he's jealous? He wants what he gave up? What he doesn't have?"

"Yeah I think so."

"And what else did he say?

"He knows I want to adopt Henry… and then he brought up Liam Connors escaping and you not being safe with me."

"Are you kidding me? You're kidding?"

She was getting angry.

"Liv, I told you everything is fine."

"So he came to your office to what threaten you?"

"Liv, he's upset with himself."

"So he had to upset you?"

"Yeah, I think he did."

"I have given him every opportunity to be in Henry's life. He's seen him once! It's not my fault, it's not our fault he can't get his shit together! So going to your office, questioning you and what kind of parent you are to Henry… Jesus!"

"Liv! Calm down ok, Henry is sleeping."

Olivia took a deep breath, composing herself.

She sat down in the chair and for a moment said nothing, though I could tell her mind was racing.

"Honey, I'm fine." I said, trying to reassure her.

"Are you?" She said, looking up at me.

"Yes, when he showed up at my office it threw me off of my axis. Yes, I am a little sensitive when it comes to you and Henry, but it's ridiculous…"

Olivia had slumped back in the overstuffed chair, her hands clasped on her stomach.

"You asked me to marry you Alex." She then said blankly.

"Baby, I was panicking." I said making my way to her, sitting on the coffee table in front of her. "But I don't regret asking you to marry me. I do want you to. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Alex, marrying me is isn't going to make everything better. Brian is still Henry's father and if he wants to make our lives a pain in the ass he can! And God to be honest you asking me to marry you tonight was like playing who's dick is bigger."

"Liv." I said squeezing my eyes shut.

"You marry me, you get the girl and the kid? One point Alex, zero Brian."

"Liv that was not my intention. You know that!"

Olivia stood up making her way to the bedroom.

I followed.

Your love should always follow you.

Olivia was putting on her jeans.

"Liv, what are you doing? Where are you going?"

"I need to think about everything that is happening. How to deal with this."

"You're leaving?"

"I'll be back in a little while. Henry has fresh bottles in the fridge if you need one."

I followed Olivia in to Henry's room where she looked in on our sleeping boy, then followed her as she put her coat on.

"I love you." I said trying desperately not to cry and not caring that it sounded like I was pleading.

Olivia stopped to look at me. "I know you do and I love you so much, but I just need some time to think about you and Brian and what's happening."

Olivia gave me a quick kiss searing my lips, before she left me standing there, and closing the door behind her.


	38. Chapter 38

So so sorry guys for the delay! I was traveling!

38

Cold Thai food in the fridge.

A sleeping, oblivious baby.

Me, lying there, starring at the clock for the last hour.

My eyes were starting to burn, but I had become mesmerized by the glare of the green light that now read 12:56am.

I had cried after Olivia left.

I didn't blame her for needing time to process everything.

It all had been boiling under, ready to for just the right moment to erupt.

Asking her to marry me may have been what caused the eruption.

Why did I do it?

I meant what I said. I do want to marry her. If fact I've never been so sure of something, of wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone. I didn't make the decision hastily. But she was right; it wasn't the right time or place. Fuck, it didn't have an ounce of romance, just my voice in a quiet plea.

And Cassidy.

I wasn't sure if she went to find him.

If she even knew where to find him.

Part of me was scared. If he could rip the rug right out from under me with just words, what could he do to her.

The other part of me hoped she laid in to his ass and the fear of Olivia Benson would prevail.

I just wanted her home beside me.

Even if she was mad at me, or if she was upset… I just wished she were here with me.

I turned over, staring at the ceiling in our dimly lit bedroom.

I thought I could literally feel my bones ache.

Quiet

Everything was too quiet.

Henry had begun sleeping mostly through the night.

We were lucky.

Tonight though, I had to refrain from taking him from his crib and holding him tight.

To comfort me, not him.

I heard the front door open and then close.

A sigh of relief ran through me.

I didn't get up, I would give her space.

She appeared in the doorway of our bedroom after a few minutes of fumbling through the dark apartment.

I looked up at her.

She looked tired.

She had obviously been crying at some point because her eyes were still a bit red and her make-up was gone.

"I'm sorry for walking out." She said, her voice calm.

"I'm sorry for asking you to marry me."

Olivia lips turned up in a smirk.

"Will you come to bed?"

She nodded yes as she pulled her shoes from her feet and began to undress.

"Henry?"

"Sound asleep."

I watched her strip down, never unable to not look at her when she undressed.

"You figure anything out, out there?" I asked.

She picked up her t-shirt lying on the edge of the bed, but I boldly shook my head no.

She obliged crawling in to bed next to me and I pulled the covers up around her.

Her skin was still cold from the night air as I wrapped my arm around her.

"I found Brian."

"I figured that's where you were going… So there's no blood on your hands, I assume you were at least somewhat civil?"

"We managed to calm down and talk. I obviously was angry and went in guns blazing."

"And did you solve anything?"

"You were right. He does regret not being apart of Henry's life. And I think at some point he conjured up or even fanaticized that if he could have me back, he would have Henry and it would all work. But again, I explained for the hundredth time I was with you, that I love you and that he cant just scare you like that because whether he liked it or not, you are Henry's mother." Olivia turned on her side, looking to me. "He's regretting not being apart of our lives, but in the end he's making his own choices. He's choosing to not be here for Henry. He chose to go back under cover when I was pregnant, and to lose me. He has to fight his own demons, not you."

"Yes but every time he feels guilty is he going to come after me? I think that's why I panicked. I think that's why I just blurted out would you marry me because then maybe I could have some rights... I do want to ask you to marry me at some point, but not like that. I was just panicking that I would loose you both."

"I keep giving him the opportunity. I keep saying its never too late and even tell him he can show up when he wants, but the moment he showed up at your office, threatened you... He burned his bridge. Alex…I told him I was going to ask for full custody of Henry.

"You did?"

"I was trying to play fair, but scarring you… coming to your office and telling you he wants his family back… I gave him the opportunity and he has done nothing to be apart of his son's life."

"At what happened? How did he take it?"

"It wasn't pretty, but he also knows I'm right. He knows where he stands, he knows he's made his own bed."

"So will you go to court? Will you file for full custody?"

"Alex, at this point I feel like I have to let him know I'm not joking."

"Aren't you afraid he will fight you?"

"Sure I've thought about it. But besides Henry's DNA, you know he doesn't have a leg to stand on. And truthfully even if he did fight me, at this point I'm pretty certain he would disappear and not follow through."

"So how did you leave it?"

"Crying."

I looked at Olivia.

"We were both in tears. What he wants, I want. I want him to be Henry's father. But I want him to WANT to be Henry's father. And I made it clear that I love you, I am with you and you and I are Henry's parents. I left him to think, I told him I wasn't going to make hasty decisions, but I also wouldn't allow him to turn out lives upside down when he felt like he wanted a family."

"So he's thinking?"

"I guess."

"So you full custody? And do you still want him in Henry's life?"

"My offer still stands for him to show up when he wants, but threatening us when he feels guilty… I won't allow it."

I let out a deep breath.

I wasn't the attorney in this situation, this wasn't work, this was my heart.

"Alex. I told you from day one, he wouldn't get in the way of you being Henry's parent. He didn't play nicely and now I have to do something about it."

"You seem so calm about your decision."

"I'm angry and I'm sad, I'm really sad… But I will protect you and Henry. I will do what I have to do."

I gave Olivia a small smile.

"I wish I could be as brave as you are about this." I said as I pulled her hand against my chest, holding it tight.

"Baby you are brave. Brian just caught you off guard, he sucker punched you."

I looked at Olivia, her weary eyes.

"You know I would do anything for you and Henry right?" I said barely above a whisper.

She shook her head, leaning in to give me a lingering kiss.

"I know baby, I know."

"Liv, I don't know how to not love you, to not be in love with you and you've given me this life. A life I can't live without. Love I can't live without."

"Good. That's what I was counting on." She said, reaching to caress my cheek.

"Olivia Benson, you are the love of my life."

Olivia let a slow grin spread across her face.

"And Alex Cabot you are mine."

I smiled.

I lay there for a moment just looking at the beautiful woman in front of me.

Olivia leaned in and began kissing me.

"Do you remember our first time together?" She asked. "You wanted me to rest and all I wanted was to be with you."

"I remember."

"You relaxed me, so I could sleep."

"I did." I said with a grin.

Olivia slid her hand under my t-shirt, running her hands across my breast, swirling her fingertips around my now hardened nipples.

She then drug her fingernails lightly down my skin, down my stomach before her hand went further south.

"Now it's my turn to help you rest." She said before dipping her hand under the waist of my panties.


End file.
